Gimme Gim

Today is quite a slack day. I was using the Internet most of the time throughout the day at work. My company went for deployment already, so guess I won't be able to see them for the next couple of weeks.

I went off around 5.30pm. I am suppose to meet Gim Hock for dinner but I don't know exactly what time he book out, so I decided to go home like wash up and change first before meeting him. Well, when I am waiting for the train at Bukit Batok, he called, say he just book out. Initially the plan was to eat at Yishun. But I'm still at Bukit Batok and it won't be reasonable for him to wait for me at Khatib, so I tell him to go home and rest first then I meet him at Sengkang instead. Yishun like also very boring already; nothing much to do.

And loser me; I missed the bus by like 100 metres. In the end I had to wait like 15 minutes for the next one to arrive. So stupid; waste my precious time! The bus journey to Sengkang was spent mostly on browsing my handphone and text messaging Lijun, or more commonly known to us as 大姐, 'cause I need to find out some things for myself.

Gim Hock appears to be the same since last time I saw him, which is like 2 months ago. I don't know whether that's good or bad. Anyway, I am more than happy to see him again. And I think he's a damn popular person; everytime I go out with him, we are sure to bump into someone he knows one. We both are very indecisive people 'cause we can't decide on a place to eat. It took us a while to finally decide to eat Sakura Thai Chinese Food in Compass Point. There's like one group of people like custered outside, making us like confused 'cause we don't know whether they are queuing up or not. 'Cause we two person only, we got our seats pretty fast. We are like talking a lot a lot about army stuffs while waiting for our food.

After dinner, we went loitering around Best and Action City. It's almost ten already and most of the shops had already closed. Gim went over to 7 Eleven to grab a drink first before we head to the interchange to wait for our buses. Gim insisted on waiting for mine with me first. Two of his buses went off before mine came. Goodbye with him was never the fun part. On the bus, just seeing his back view distancing was already hard enough. I hope I can see him soon.

Gim: Thanks for coming out today. Just simply thanks. I don't know what else to say already. I will always remember the times we spent together, the tough times we have endured. You have come a long long way and before you know it, you are getting commission. I truly am proud to be your buddy in BMT, and I wished that we were still there, together, side by side... until the very end of time... I'm sorry I can't be any better. I'm sorry for making you worried for me. I'm sorry for being your burden. I wished I was stronger. Stronger like you...

Lijun: Although I say I don't really care, I guess it's not true. But I don't know. Sometimes I wished I could just give it up altogether since he puts it in such a way that his girlfriend is much more important now as compared to our friendship. I really really don't appreciate this from him, after all that I have done. Perhaps it's truly meant to be this way, like you and him before me. Maybe you are right. You are right about the first thing I asked you just now.

Zhi Xiang: I just wanna say sorry. I don't know what I'm sorry for, but I just feel that 我对不起你. So, sorry.

Marilyn: Thanks, for your concern. Appreciated. You have been a great friend since secondary school and I appreciate you keeping watch over my back everytime.

[simly loser zishen]

Weekend of Formula 1 Fever

This weekend is the Formula One, or more commonly known as F1, Singapore Grand Prix race. So it makes it justifiable for us Singaporeans to enjoy this weekend of F1 fever with our friends from all over the world who had came to watch the race with us. I'm no different from the rest. It's like... ... a festival, a bazzar, and I feel that I should be part of it. So I make it a point that I must go for the Singapore Motor Show 2008 since I don't have tickets for the race and I haven't miss any of the Motor Show since like a few years back.

Thus I have been like looking for people to go with me, and the first person I had in mind was Gim Hock, because he promised me he would come with me the last time we went out to watch Money No Enough 2 at Plaza Singapura. Unfortunately, he left me a message on my handphone yesterday, saying that he had guard duty to do and so can't make. I was like... rather disappointed actually, but I don't blame him. He had his own life too, so why should I intervene into his life if I'm nothing more but a burden? The next person I had in mind was my usual-hang -out group, Jin Tai, Jin Long, Dennis. Jin Long initially said yes, but this morning he text me to say that he is busy and won't be able to make it. Jin Tai and Dennis came along. I suppose I'm happy with them, especially when I tell them what to expect for NS since they are enlisting in like one and a half week's time. We also discussed a bit about the F1 race, just random stuffs.

This year's Motor Show is a BIG disappointment! I expect it to be of the same standard as that of the last one since it's like the F1 weekend, and there are tourists around. I bought the tickets and it was like $6 only, and it came with a coupon for a free mini cornetto ice-cream. I was like wondering why is it so cheap this year as compared to that of in 2006, where it costs me 20 bucks. It was only upon entering the exhibition hall that I realise the difference. Firstly, this year is like missing out on a lot of 'big players' like Mazda, Toyota, Suzuki, Ferrai, and etc, as oppose to 2 years ago. Secondly, the cars on display is like, almost the same onces two years back with only a few new models. Soooo disappointing!! And the funny thing is that we actually laid eyes on one Isuzu lorry. Dennis say it's like super economical because it can fetch both people and cargo. Here's the lorry:

The Isuzu Lorry

Anyway this year's main highlight is sQuba, the first car in the world that can go underwater. This concept came from one of James Bond's movie, where he drove one car underwater. So now, driving underwater has become reality when it's only a 神话 last time. Anyway I told a photo of it:

sQuba

Dennis wasn't feeling well when we went off from the Motor Show to Marina Square to shop for a motivation gift for his girlfriend. So he went off early, while Jin Tai and I went to J.CO for donuts and ice chocolate, before we go home first to rest a while before going for dinner. I was talking to Wei Bing for a while on MSN actually when I reached home, about the Motor Show and the sQuba. He says the car isn't of much use unless people are starting to stay underwater, which I think is rather true. He's going for movie this evening to watch Best Friend's Girl. I quite like admire him actually, although I don't really know him very well. But we are chatting often now on MSN, so should have chance to know him better.

Dinner was Sakae Sushi at Causeway Point with Jin Tai. The queue was like damn long so we decided to go walk around the mall first. I was doing the talking most of the time, like telling me not to be like me, like regret about my life and everything, telling him not o be a loser like me. We went all over the place. First was MJ Multimedia to browse DVDs, then Courts to look at electronics appliances, followed by Nokia for handphones etc. Continued talking about our problems in out lifes in Sakae over a couple of sushi. Jin Tai insisted on treating. We went home after that. Oh. And before that I bought this book Being Happy from Popular first. Apparently I need to learn how to be happy.

So here I am again, blogging about how 'happy' I am today. Actually I am kinda confused: How do we know who our true friends are? Gim Hock has been like replying randomly to my messages. Like I text him today and then he will only reply like two days later. I hoped he is not under too much stress. I wanted to call him several times to like find out whether he is okay or not, but I'm scared that he is busy and so in the end I didn't call him. What if I'm really a burden to him although he himself say no true? I'm really impressed how he juggle between his own training, his family, his girlfriend, and etc. So sometimes I feel that I shouldn't like 烦 him. Zhi Xiang also. I think I owe him really big time for everything that he had done for me, even simple stuffs like area cleaning. Today he's suppose to be celebrating his father's birthday with his family. I just asked him on MSN about how the celebration went. It's almost an hour now and he hasn't reply yet. I hope he is like playing his PSP and not ignoring me. I think I'm like... too close for comfort, since two months ago. I tend to look for him more because like there's not much people that I can talk to already. I don't know but I am like beginning to treat him like my own brother already.

I'm confused. Over little things and actions from people, especially those whom I'm close to. I feel... lousy and inferior.

I'm trouble, I'm stupid and I'm a loser. It's basic genetics. Can't help it.

[simply loser zishen]

This Week... ...

Wednesday.
Nights off was like kinda weird. First is Matthew didn't join us because he is on guard duty and secondly Jurist came along with us... ... uninvited! Not that I mind, but his decision to join us is kinda of a last minute thing. I forgot what the place is called but it's the india muslim kinda prata house across Beauty World. I am like extra-super hungry with all the 'suffering' back in S1 Branch, and I haven't had my dinner somemore. We ordered one ayam mutabak to share among the four of us. Then Zhi Xiang ordered one Roti John, Ming Dong and Jurist ordered one egg prata and two plain prata each while I ordered two egg prata and two plain onces. Jurist was like busy text-messaging with his girlfriend then in the end quarrel, over a stupid meet up. I hate it when he smokes, especially in front of us non-smokers. I told them about S1 Branch and Zhi Xiang told me about their ICCT training. He make it sounds damn fun that I wanted to join them. Sign. I'm stuck.

Thursday.
Chief Clerk send me off to S2 Branch, which is like so much better than S1. Like hmmm... ... more like friendly environment and the specialists there are like my age and A levels also, so we got along quite well. They even treat me to 香港街, followed by PS3 play time at sergeant leong's house. I feel like... ... like too close for comfort. The specialist are way too nice and like I'm not really comfortbale with it. Need to have some getting use to.

Friday (Today).
I am getting a hang of making camp pass in S2. I made the COS passes today, although some not in very good condition. Today is Battalion Safety Day, so got some games and competition in the hall. Alpha won quite a number of prizes for the games and competiton, and I'm quite happy for them. So they had early book out at 4pm. Sign. I'm still working and today I spoiled one laminator today. Super guilty, even when the sergeants tell me not to worry about it.

Anyway I'm not supposed to blog to much about these stuffs. 5.35pm like that I went off. Alpha people has booked out already. I got changed and went for dinner with Sergeant Chong Yi, Alvin and Kang Wei. We ate Sumo House at Clementi there, because it's the cheapest Japanese food. We talked about stuffs over the bus ride there, over dinner, and of course on the train ride home with Kang Wei. I've got to admit that I learnt a lot of stuffs from Kang Wei, from the things that he told me. He told me today:

Mistakes are not meant to be erased...
It's either you learn from that one mistake and not make another again,
or you make more mistakes to make that mistake less prominent...

But still I guess I'm more or less the loser I am. I still feel lousy and inferior.

I guess that's just me. I know who I am; I'm stupid and I'm trouble and I'm a loser. It's basic genetics. Can't help it.

[simply loser zishen]

I Hope She Remembered...

3 more weeks to my birthday... ...

I was clearing my drawer just now and I chanced upon the card that she wrote to me last year on my 19th birthday. There was a photograph of me and her which we took together some time back and of course, I read what she wrote to me. Over. Over. Over. And over again... ...

I have not contacted her for like 2 months already. It's not that I don't want to contact her; 我怕她觉得我烦. What if she doesn't look at me the way I look at her? What if it was me who was thinking too much all the while?

Anyway, it's 3 more weeks to my birthday. I hope she remembers... ...

I'm booking in already. I still have lots and lots of things on my mind. I missed my being with my family. My family has changed. I don't feel the warmth there used to be. I missed being with my friends. Yesterday was supposed to watch Dieaster Movie with Zhi Xiang, thanks to someone who need to do guard duty 出stun, so he has to go back to stand in for him. I feel... lousy. Why must we land into this kind of shit? Aren't we suppose to be better off?

我感到很自卑。I need an eraser to erase the mistakes that I have made... ...

[simply loser zishen]

对不起...

我觉得我对不起了很多很多人，很多很多朋友。I looked back at myself, my life. If my life were a movie, I guess that it will be the worst selling movie that no one wants to watch; It's the kind of movie that will end up in the night market that sells for $1 per copy and even so, no one wants to buy it; Channel 5 will not even think of screening the movie; 8 Days will not even give me half a star for having the courage to show such a loser movie.

So I changed my blog title; I think it suits me, a loser, better.

Zhi Xiang: I'm... sorry. I know I've created a big mess, and I am selfish enough to leave you with it, to create up the mess that I've created. 6 months we have stayed in the same bunk, you are more than just a bed buddy to me; you are a good friend. I treat you like my own brother. When there's shit like area cleaning and everything, we will go through it together. Now I'm no more there, I'm really sorry about leaving you behind to 背my黑锅. Sorry. 对不起...

I had this strange habit of going to Khatib MacDonalds and go upstairs and look around the premises. I guess I was hoping to find someone there. Someone I know. When I do see someone I know, I will be like... brighten up a little.

I want an eraser to erase the mistakes that I have made...

[I have not finish this entry]

[simply loser zishen]

世界上没有永远的敌人，也没有永远的朋友...

I have, like, 400 over friends on Friendster; I have countless contacts on MSN messager. But what's the use? What's the point? I'm still alone. Like now; I just opened several chat windows with a few 'friends'. It's almost half an hour already, only one reply. One. So what's the use of having so many friends on Friendster and MSN? It means nothing. Nothing.

世界上没有永远的朋友. And like what Jin Tai told me over and over again: 朋友是假的; 世界上没有真正的朋友. 我现在才领悟到这个道理. I have been lying to myself. I have been deceiving myself from this cruel world. I had this false hope wishing that the world is full of hope. Until now. The world has turned it's back on me.

There is light at the end of the tunnel. At least in times of trouble I know who my friends are, who my true friends are... like Gim Hock. From strangers, to section mates, to acquaintances, to friends, to buddy, to brothers... I missed his company.

Perhaps the reason that I'm blogging now it's because I can't find someone to listen to my problems. And I tend to get rather emotional when talking. All I need is for someone to listen to me. All I need is a true friend. Is that too much to ask?!

Sorry for this random entry.

[simply loser zishen]

原来我也会害怕寂寞...

I just got back from the movies with Zhi Xiang and Jun Rong at Cineleisure. Show for the day is WALL E. And I just found out in the afternoon I'm broke (because I lost my combat pay!), so I have think more before spending from now. WALL E quite nice. It really like let me reflects on how we want our future world to be like. Well before watching the movie we had pasta for dinner. I spent like $14.10 just for pasta! If this goes on I'll be so broke soon! I need to remind myself of how much I spent so I wont spend so much.

I was loitering around HMV before I meet them. HMV has become one of my favourite places since a few months ago; I enjoyed just going through the CDs on display, I enjoyed letting the loud music just filling me up. I feel like buying some movies to watch, but yah, budget (so need to practice control a little).

Being with Zhi Xiang and Jun Rong makes me feel inferior. It's like most of the time they are talking between themselves and like they will tell me about what they say a bit later. Walking back to the station after supper (yes, we had supper, and I ordered a Ice Jelly Cocktail) was somehow the same; Jun Rong passes some comments to him, and initially I wanted to ask what they were talking about but in the end did not. Guess after the incident last month, everything had changed; not only my relationship with the 6SIR people, but also my fellow tekong mates. I feel that they are blaming me for what had happened, and they are like at their best not to get involved too much with me because the 6SIR people will think that I am talking bad behind their backs or that I am up to something again. Maybe Zhi Xiang asked me out just for the sake of asking me out because like he already said already in front of the guys then I like say I want while Matthew and Ming Dong can't make it, and so, it's suppose to be me and him ultimately, and as he can't reject me now, so he puts in a Jun Rong as a shield from me.

I knew it all along. I'm just a backup plan. For a long time, I had never go out and return home being happy. I missed the feeling of being happy! Where are my friends?! Where are my true friends?! Why are all my so-called friends calling me when they need my help or when they are trying to sell me stuffs or when they have some fortune teller that is very good to introduce me or when they need a backup plan just in case?!! WHY?!! WHY?!! WHY??!!!

原来我也会害怕寂寞... all I need is a couple of true friends that I can hang out with.

"This is a cruel world."

These words ran over and over my head again and again, like the announcement at the train station. Platoon Sergeant is right. How sure am I that people will help me back when I help people? How sure am I that people will give in to me when I give in to people? I realised it only now. I'm so stupid! I'm so naive!!! I do things with other people in mind. But do they even think of me?!! Are they even concern about my interest??!!!!

"This is a cruel world." I hate myself. I hate myself for who I am. I hate myself for what I have done. Why am I so solf-hearted?!! Why am I always considerating the interest of other people when they don't? Why am I so weak?!!!

Some people will say "We are here to help others, so returns and rewards shouldn't be the concern." If we are here to help others, THEN WHAT THE FUCK ARE THE OTHERS HERE FOR??!! Just because I can do well in certain things doesn't mean that I have to do it all the time! Why am I always the one doing things while the others can rest?! Why? Why?! WHY??!!

God just have to make the world cruel.

I still remember what Uncle Jackson told me last year: 世界上没有永远的敌人，也没有永远的朋友. I am starting to agree with him. Forever friends is kinda bullshit. Take me and Janson for example. We seldom talk now. Even if he message me or call me, I'll always speak coldly to him or just give him attitude. If I'm just one of him backup plans so be it. I don't really care. There was this entry in a past copy of Readers' Digest about 25 Life's Toughest Questions, and if I remember correctly, question seven was "When do you know that a friendship has ended?" and the answer to the question is "When you have this suspicion that it never really begun." I was letting my thoughts run wild that day and I think I can say that for Janson and me; maybe our friendship didn't actually begin in the first place; maybe he befriended me because he knows that I can help him in mathematics.

That brings me back to what I mentioned earlier about me being too good to people.

Guess that's my problem: I'm too nice to people, especially to those people whom I shouldn't be too nice to.

But given my looks, I guess if I'm not nice to people, I won't have much friends anymore.

I dunno what to do already.

"This is a cruel world."

I missed my friends! Jin Long, Jin Tai, Dennis, Sze Wei, Gim Hock, Xin Ying, Rui Xiang, Elton, Shermaine, Daniel, Peishan, Wei Lun, EVERYONE!!!

[simply loser zishen][extra-super depressed][tired][sick]

What A Sunday...

Mango. Cake.

I wished that things were just like a piece of cake.

Plain. Simple.

But in reality, it is not so. . .

My distant cousin in Malaysia is getting married today, and most of my family and relatives went for the wedding lunch in Muar. I didn't go. One, it's like I don't feel like going, because I don't really like to travel such long distance in a car and two, I can't go because I didn't apply leave. So I stayed home with 大姐.

Initially, Zhi Xiang wanted to watch WALL E. But the plan was cancelled because Matthew couldn't make it and ming Dong had stuffs to settle. I was thinking of asking Daniel, but from his blog, he had already watched with his girl. So in the end, nothing. Nothing.

Eventually, I managed to get Roystonn to come out. He stays across the street so it's easiler to meet up. He said he needed some new and cute tee shirts, because he's running out of it. Me too; I'm running short of clothes also. We went to Bugis Street. Cheaper and more choices available. We walked the first level first. Roystonn managed to find some shirts that he like but they are like too expensive for him. He say that's his problem; like those shirt he laid his eyes on will be very expensive. In the end we found one shop on the second floor that offers a rather reasonable price for the shirt. We each got one shirt for ourselves.

This is mine.

I like wearing black cuz I look slimmer. I like the red cartoon on the black blackground.

We went to eat at Bugis Junction. Ramen. First time I eat ramen there. Quite nice. We had a little catch up session; he told me about his life at Nee Soon Camp as a techinican. He had curry pork ramen. He say it's damn spicy, but taste very good. I had chicken teriyaki ramen and cuttle fish. The chicken teriyaki was a bit sweet, but still can make it.

After lunch cum tea break, we went to Bras Pasar Complex to look at some guitar. Roys like say he dunno whether to buy guitar or PSP with his coming pay. In the end he bought some things which I dunno what they are. When we came out from the shop, I pointed the Pop Central to him then I tell him it's like 4 floors high. Then he was like dun believe me so we went in to check. Well it is.

We walked back to Bugis Junction. I say I wanna go Gramophone to buy movies to watch. I was like hunting all over the place before I decided to buy It's a Boy Girl Thing. I liked that movie because it's rather funny. I still remember I watched the movie at Cathay Causeway Point with Kee Wei before he enlisted.

It's a Boy Girl Thing

Anyways, I watched finish already. So it's available for borrowing.

Initally wanted to visit 二姨 at TTSH because I dunno she discharged already. Lucky for me, 大姐 called to say she's at Bishan Junction 8 then wanted to help me buy dinner then she told me 二姨 at 三舅母 there stay. So I went home. Yup, watched the It's a Boy Girl Thing right away. Stayed at home for the rest of the night, chatting, and installing Norton Internet Securtiy 2008. Mum was not feeling well when she came back. Luckily Dad came back from work early then can 哄弟弟 go and sleep.

Anyways, I should have blogged this like sometimes back. I collected all the Coke Glass from MacDonalds during the Beijing 2008. Here's a photo:

The Limited Edition Glass

I realise that I have been rather stupid. Blinded. Like I realise I do a lot of things just to please her and match her eyes. It's rather stupid... but I like that...

[depressed][tired][sick][no life]

Uncomfortable with Achievements

Looking at my friends and people around me has been difficult these days. I think it's because of what they are able to achieve which I myself cannot. Maybe I'm jealous of their achievements. Wait a minute. I AM jealous of what they have achieved. Sheng Yu Desmond and the rest of the college guys are sergeants now, some even future officers. Look at me, I'm just a LCP. I downgraded because of eczema. I'm no longer combat fit. I look down on myself for that. Sheng Yu comforted me ytd, say I have achievements too what (say my maths is good, in fact one of the top few in college). SO WHAT?! I can't solve anything now. I was studying with Guo Tai that day and I cant even solve one problem! No more god-like! WHAT HAPPENED?! I losted what i used to have, what i used to be good at! I'M A LOSER! And I'm fat! I mean look at me. I'm 80kg okie! I'm fat! I'm ugly! So what if my maths USED TO BE good? We still end up going to uni!

I'm the kinda guy tat looks on the dark side. Admit it mann. I am a loser. Plain and Simple! People can have great achievements, even a small achievement like losing weight, but why can't I?! I guess my only source of comfort is food. Whenever I see food, I will be very happy. I don't care about gaining weight when i have food. But after finishing the food that i ate, i would feel guilty and would like hmmm. . . want to force out the food i ate.

I look at myself. I hate myself. I hate myself for who I am, what I am doing. Why should other people, especially her, like me when I myself hate myself?! I find myself sometimes like reach a dead end with no way to go. I blogged because of her. It's bacause of her blogging that I started to blog. I did alomst everything to impress her. But I know she didn't notice that way.

I'm insignificant. I'm just. . . a loser. nothing more. nothing less. Plain and simple.