你几时才回来?!

我真的好想好想念你.

Why am I doing this again?

The feeling of being alone isn't great at all. Not a single bit. The bus ride to camp was cold. And lonely. Only the presence of my Zen Stone comforted me a little. Throughout the ride, I was looking out of the window. I enjoyed the bus trip nonetheless because of the coldness and lonliness. It's when I shut the whole world up and keep my thoughts to myself.

Loads happened. I still have not get over the incident two weeks ago. Actually I am kind of restricting myself, in case I do harm to someone again. There was a repeat of the incident actually. So I was like thinking "Why am I doing this again?!" when I was talking to Sam. I am very disappointed in myself. For the first time in ages, I ran. The wind blow against my face. The tasted the salt of my sweat as it rolls down the front of my head. Why? Why am I doing this again?! Zishen, you are WEAK!

The rest of the week was rather routine. Again. Took leave on Friday.

How Much is Friendship Worth?

"No wonder they always don't want to tell you things!"

This line hit me hard. Really hard. As if someone just throw a extra super big rock at me. I didn't know what to say anymore. The journey back home was kind of tense for me. I just looked out of the bus window blankly, thoughts running through my mind. Am I that unreliable? If I am so, why are they still around me and faking our friendship? I realised now that I am like the lowest in the chain. I am not told of all the happenings, or the juicest gossips among us. So much for being in intelligence. Ironic.

After what happened today, I think the group won't trust me as much anymore. So. I guess I won't be hearing from them in a while. Now I understand what they meant by "Your friend today may be your enemy tomorrow. "

Let this be a test of the eight years friendship that we share ba.

This Week

It has been a rather hard-to-get-by week for me, since I booked into camp on Saturday. The thought of me doing duty again tomorrow when I have used done one a few days ago is quite "agony". That's a new word that I liked to use since I heard it from my officer after this morning's endurance run. He was using to describe that the running route was not that good to run on. because of the slopes. So now I am like using "agony" to say that I'm very worked up.

I just got back from nights out with Zhi Wei. We went Clementi Central to eat Mos Burger. He ate a hot dog sandwich, which he don't even know what the meat is, while I just have a fish burger. Also, we shared a box of fifteen butterfly prawns. Afterwhich we went to play arcade. I tried Time Crisis 4 today and just ten seconds into the game I have already lost one life. I was like thinking how am I going to survive if I were suppose to go fight for a war. After Time Crisis was Maximum Tune. I almost win the race man, then at the last corner, my turn was too wide while Zhi Wei cut in from the inner side. I was like NOOOOOOOO~ like how Darth Vader did in episode three. Then Zhi Wei get one more play. Sob Sob.

He went to buy food for his bunk mates after that. We stopped by Fairprice to look around. I want to eat ice cream but he tell me I will die one after eating Mos Burger. In the end I bought one carton of Pepsi and a Kinder Joy for Sam, because he bought me Yam Yam that day. Just my way of thanking him back.

I think I had been trouble to Sam, because I kept waking up super early in the morning, and thus disturbed him from his sleep. Then I think I used the laundry line that was initially his last time. Also, now he has to like ask whether I still need the lights and whatsoever when last time he could just do what he want. I don't know. That's what I think.

Sam usually talks to his girlfriend over the phone until quite late at night. I wonder when will it be my turn. I quite admire Sam. He is a nice guy to be with. And a good friend.

[simply loser zishen]

The Broken Vase

A broken vase can never be fixed. Even if you try to fix it back with glues and stuffs, it won't be as perfect as before.

I have not been blogging for ages. So it's kind of hard for me to start the ball rolling again. I am thinking of how I should begin my entry. So in the end, something my friend, Shermaine, said to me this evening, well, I guess that would be great to begin this entry with. She was using it to describe why she wouldn't want to patch with her ex-boyfriend, because she don't believe that the relationship will ever be the same as again.

Anyway, I changed my duty with Sergeant Xin Yi just to meet up with her today, to go cheer for her lion dance team at Cheng San Community Centre at Ang Mo Kio. She asked me along because her ex-boyfriend is in the team, and I'm there more for deterence I guess. It's good to see her anyway. I think she slimmed down a bit, probably from the stress of the near coming examinations. She was wearing a hot pink shirt today which I think was very cool, and her enthusiasm and cheerful feel sort of like lightened me a little. So, yeah, we went for dinner at MacDonalds, because I don't want to eat Pepper Lunch, which she claimed was very nice, but I insisted that I don't want to. A little bit un-gentlemen on my side. Just a little I guess. So, yeah, we went back to our "lao di fang" i.e. MacDonalds. I always liked the seaweed shaker fries, and my all time favourite, McSpicy with cheese! Shermaine can't make up her mind on whether to have beef or chicken. In the end she chose McChicken. And also found out today that she doesn't like garlic and vinegar when I asked her why she didnt take the garlic chilli from the self-service counter (is that what you call it? the booth with the straws and pepper thingy at MacDonalds?)

I asked her about her school work and her preparation for her big examination this year. She's nervous about it she told me. She said she doesn't want to end up like her cousin, who didn't do so well. And she just rejected a scholarship to study music, saying that she doesn't want to do music for the rest of her life. Her eating speed was quite slow, but it's good just sitting down and chatting with an old friend. But not that old, as in I know her since May 2007, and we kind of have a bad start actually.

Anyway, after dinner, we went to Cheng San Communtiy Centre for the competition. We climbed the super long stairs and only when we were on top did we see another path that don't need to climb. Then Shermaine was like complaining, "Why you bring me walk this kinda path?!" We arrived just on time, so we have to stand because all the seats were taken. She kept hesitating to go over to greet the team because the-one-that-she-doesn't-want-to-see is there also.

"Why don't you want to go over? Just say hi and come back? It won't hurt." I said.

"Na," she replied, "I don't believe in patching up this kinda things. A broken vase can never be fixed. Even if you try to fix it back, it won't be as perfect as before."

"And I don't believe in friends after breaking either."

And so that's that. Thoughtout the competition I was just talking to her, asking her how the scores are counted and stuffs along that line. We left after the second last team was done, and before that, she was tricked into going to the-one-that-she-doesn't-want-to-see to take a picture with him, which she rejected. She was expecting Calvin to save her, but he just stood there and smile. She told me Calvin liked her, but I didn't ask her why aren't they together. They looked happy when they with each other. I hoped my presence there today hasn't spoil anything.

We were walking to the bus stop when she saw her bus, 25, coming. "Okay. That's my bus. Thanks. Bye." she said to me, and then off she went. I hastened my steps and managed to wave her goodbye from outside the bus. I sent her a sheepish message after her bus sped off the bus stop, thanking her for bringing me out today, otherwise I would be rotting at home until it is time to book in. I wanted to help her in maths, like before in college, but I've lost my god-like ability to do maths. Last time I tired to help her but in the end I was staring blankly at a one mark question. I think if Mrs Kwang learn about this, she will definitely scold the hell out of me and say, "Where are your concepts?! No concepts!"

During the bus ride back to camp, I can't help but kept thinking of the broken vase that Shermaine mentioned earlier. Does every girl thinks this way? That a broken relationship is like a broken vase? But the guy won't try to fix the vase back if he doesn't like the vase at all. If the guy trys to fix the vase back, this mays that he still likes the vase and want it back, and so should be given another chance to prove himself. Yeah. But the vase will never be the same. Think the guy should go and buy anther vase and make sure he doesn't break it. And the No-Friend-After-Break concept. I hope other girls won't think this way, especially her. Now, I don't dare to tell her even more. What if she thinks like what Shermaine does? Then I would loss another friend. I have lost enough people in my life already! I don't want to loss another just because of what I have said. A tear escaped my eye on the bus. I hoped no one saw that.

[simply loser zishen]

Her Smile

When she turned and smiled back at me, I know that I will not be seeing that smile for another couple of months.

*** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** ***

Peishan found me first. I was looking for her in the crowd that was coming up from the platform level at Somerset stattion when she came bouncing up to me. She flashed me a smile, before I did the same. Her smile is very beautiful, especially when the dimple forms on her left cheek.

We walked to Cineleisure and like always, I like listening to her talk. About her driving lessons in the morning, about her family, especially her father and so on. It's still quite early, so the ticket booth on the fourth floor was like, empty. Three kids were buying their movie tickets and it wasn't long before it's our turn. She wanted to watch Ice Age 3 initially but she was afraid that the movie has finished showing since it stared quite a while ago. But, yeah, the movie is still showing, but she has already watched it a few weeks back. So it's Harry Potter and the Half Blooded Prince today. She chose us couple seats at the the second last row.

After buying tickets, we went to Xin Wang to have lunch since we still have time. I couldn't make up my mind on what to eat, so I just anyhow choose the Luncheon Meat with Egg Noodle soup while she had Beef Hor Fun. So it's just talking, and more talking for the rest of the meal. She didn't know that her Beef Hor Fun came with fried onions. So when her meal came, she was carrying the oh-my-god kind of look on her face. I forgot how particular she was when it comes to eating. Then half way through eating, she had to make a couple of phone calls to settle some emergency for her hall.

Half Blood Prince was kind of... plain. There is like no climax for the movie. But I enjoyed it anyway. Throughout the movie, I kept stealing glares at her. She looks more mature with her specs on in the cinema. After movies we went for dessert at the dessert store at Hereen. We shared a serving of Mango Snow Ice together. Quite sweet. And yeah, more talking. I think she was doing most of the talking. I was more of listening. And I like it. It's good just listening to her talk. I hoped I was a good listener.

I sent her off to work after dessert. She showed me her punch card area and stuffs. We parted outside the female toilet, cos she needs to change for work. She bidded me goodbye and went off to change. When she turned and smiled back at me, I know that I will not be seeing that smile for another couple of months. It doesn't kill to wait for her to come out, I told myself. So I waited outside for her. She came out like 15 minutes later, smiled and said "Eh. You are still here. Thanks for waiting." I followed her downstairs to her work area and we parted... ...

Reluctantly, on my side.

[simply loser zishen]

Selfish

"What is the first thing that you will do when you learn that you are going to die?" He asked me on the train when we were on our way home.

"Helped me tell her that I love her." I said.

"See?! You are selfish! The first thing that comes to your mind is her. What about your parents, your family?!" He replied almost immediately, and I need to say it really caught me off balance. I don't know what to say anymore, so I just stood them and listen to him talk while I'm consumed in my own thoughts.

"You are selfish!"

Those words are still screaming in my head now, even though they are said to me on the night of Saturday. I can still imagine myself back there on the train. Well. I don't know. I do miss my family a lot these days. I missed the times when we use to be together, be it just sitting around and watching TV or going out shopping. But sometimes I hate it and would get quite fed up with my mum nagging at me being fat, and like comparing me with other people. I hate it! Can't I just be who I am? What's wrong with being yourself? Your very own self? I know she has high hopes on me, but that doesn't mean she needs to control very part of my life. So sometimes, I'm scared of going home. She will just say the same things over and over again. Guess Facebook is right after all; I need my own space. I'm getting use to sleeping in bunk myself, like I can do whatever I want and nobody will care about me, and also I have my own space to 'emo', and think about my life.

I think my life is... ... a rather low one. Low life. I guess what I told my college class mates were true: Life is like a vacuum cleaner; it sucks. I not saying that I'm not happy with my life, but my life is up to this point is more of doing things to please other people. I have not been doing things to please myself. So I'm more like someone being manipulated around.

I'm looking forward to seeing her soon anyways. It has been a while since we last met, and I'm always happy about meeting her, because we don't meet up much. I have been thinking about her almost every time. I really missed her... ...

So does thinking of her makes me a selfish person?

[simply selfish zishen]

Thoughts

After physical training in the morning, I went back to wash up. Ang called me. I didn't recognise the number at first, but I recognise the voice when I called back. He just don't change much, does he. I sometimes feel that he know me too much, even when I didn't tell him much about what I am doing. He likes to question my every action. Well, it's fun sometimes. At least I know he cares. But sometimes he cares too much.

Work. More or less the same as before, just that I have a different feel about the office now. The branch is like not the same as when I first came in. When I first came in, I feel more happy. But now it's not as lively as it use to be. I don't know; maybe it's just me.

The guys left early today for nights off. Sometimes I really hope that they understand the situation that I am in, when I say I don't know to go out cos I want to save money. Anyways, me and Su Ze watched finish Rush Hour 3 and a bit of House Bunny before he was called back for a meeting.

Am on duty tomorrow. Hope everything goes well.

Tuesday Blues?

Maybe it's me myself this time; I choose not to be too happy today. Just like the feeling of being emotional, as in not to the extreme, but more like contain within myself.

Nothing much happened today I suppose. Went to run with Dy and Bing Wen outside. When we reached the turning point, I like going to die already. Think I drank too much water before we start.

I recalled what Wei Lun told me when we last met; he told me "Zi Shen, your blog huh very emo leh; read until I want to cry already." I was like reading my blog now, and I almost cried myself too. Must my life be this sad?

Monday Blues

Feeling quite down today.

So much for expecting nothing?