原来我也会害怕寂寞...

I just got back from the movies with Zhi Xiang and Jun Rong at Cineleisure. Show for the day is WALL E. And I just found out in the afternoon I'm broke (because I lost my combat pay!), so I have think more before spending from now. WALL E quite nice. It really like let me reflects on how we want our future world to be like. Well before watching the movie we had pasta for dinner. I spent like $14.10 just for pasta! If this goes on I'll be so broke soon! I need to remind myself of how much I spent so I wont spend so much.

I was loitering around HMV before I meet them. HMV has become one of my favourite places since a few months ago; I enjoyed just going through the CDs on display, I enjoyed letting the loud music just filling me up. I feel like buying some movies to watch, but yah, budget (so need to practice control a little).

Being with Zhi Xiang and Jun Rong makes me feel inferior. It's like most of the time they are talking between themselves and like they will tell me about what they say a bit later. Walking back to the station after supper (yes, we had supper, and I ordered a Ice Jelly Cocktail) was somehow the same; Jun Rong passes some comments to him, and initially I wanted to ask what they were talking about but in the end did not. Guess after the incident last month, everything had changed; not only my relationship with the 6SIR people, but also my fellow tekong mates. I feel that they are blaming me for what had happened, and they are like at their best not to get involved too much with me because the 6SIR people will think that I am talking bad behind their backs or that I am up to something again. Maybe Zhi Xiang asked me out just for the sake of asking me out because like he already said already in front of the guys then I like say I want while Matthew and Ming Dong can't make it, and so, it's suppose to be me and him ultimately, and as he can't reject me now, so he puts in a Jun Rong as a shield from me.

I knew it all along. I'm just a backup plan. For a long time, I had never go out and return home being happy. I missed the feeling of being happy! Where are my friends?! Where are my true friends?! Why are all my so-called friends calling me when they need my help or when they are trying to sell me stuffs or when they have some fortune teller that is very good to introduce me or when they need a backup plan just in case?!! WHY?!! WHY?!! WHY??!!!

原来我也会害怕寂寞... all I need is a couple of true friends that I can hang out with.

"This is a cruel world."

These words ran over and over my head again and again, like the announcement at the train station. Platoon Sergeant is right. How sure am I that people will help me back when I help people? How sure am I that people will give in to me when I give in to people? I realised it only now. I'm so stupid! I'm so naive!!! I do things with other people in mind. But do they even think of me?!! Are they even concern about my interest??!!!!

"This is a cruel world." I hate myself. I hate myself for who I am. I hate myself for what I have done. Why am I so solf-hearted?!! Why am I always considerating the interest of other people when they don't? Why am I so weak?!!!

Some people will say "We are here to help others, so returns and rewards shouldn't be the concern." If we are here to help others, THEN WHAT THE FUCK ARE THE OTHERS HERE FOR??!! Just because I can do well in certain things doesn't mean that I have to do it all the time! Why am I always the one doing things while the others can rest?! Why? Why?! WHY??!!

God just have to make the world cruel.

I still remember what Uncle Jackson told me last year: 世界上没有永远的敌人，也没有永远的朋友. I am starting to agree with him. Forever friends is kinda bullshit. Take me and Janson for example. We seldom talk now. Even if he message me or call me, I'll always speak coldly to him or just give him attitude. If I'm just one of him backup plans so be it. I don't really care. There was this entry in a past copy of Readers' Digest about 25 Life's Toughest Questions, and if I remember correctly, question seven was "When do you know that a friendship has ended?" and the answer to the question is "When you have this suspicion that it never really begun." I was letting my thoughts run wild that day and I think I can say that for Janson and me; maybe our friendship didn't actually begin in the first place; maybe he befriended me because he knows that I can help him in mathematics.

That brings me back to what I mentioned earlier about me being too good to people.

Guess that's my problem: I'm too nice to people, especially to those people whom I shouldn't be too nice to.

But given my looks, I guess if I'm not nice to people, I won't have much friends anymore.

I dunno what to do already.

"This is a cruel world."

I missed my friends! Jin Long, Jin Tai, Dennis, Sze Wei, Gim Hock, Xin Ying, Rui Xiang, Elton, Shermaine, Daniel, Peishan, Wei Lun, EVERYONE!!!

[simply loser zishen][extra-super depressed][tired][sick]