Uncomfortable with Achievements

Looking at my friends and people around me has been difficult these days. I think it's because of what they are able to achieve which I myself cannot. Maybe I'm jealous of their achievements. Wait a minute. I AM jealous of what they have achieved. Sheng Yu Desmond and the rest of the college guys are sergeants now, some even future officers. Look at me, I'm just a LCP. I downgraded because of eczema. I'm no longer combat fit. I look down on myself for that. Sheng Yu comforted me ytd, say I have achievements too what (say my maths is good, in fact one of the top few in college). SO WHAT?! I can't solve anything now. I was studying with Guo Tai that day and I cant even solve one problem! No more god-like! WHAT HAPPENED?! I losted what i used to have, what i used to be good at! I'M A LOSER! And I'm fat! I mean look at me. I'm 80kg okie! I'm fat! I'm ugly! So what if my maths USED TO BE good? We still end up going to uni!

I'm the kinda guy tat looks on the dark side. Admit it mann. I am a loser. Plain and Simple! People can have great achievements, even a small achievement like losing weight, but why can't I?! I guess my only source of comfort is food. Whenever I see food, I will be very happy. I don't care about gaining weight when i have food. But after finishing the food that i ate, i would feel guilty and would like hmmm. . . want to force out the food i ate.

I look at myself. I hate myself. I hate myself for who I am, what I am doing. Why should other people, especially her, like me when I myself hate myself?! I find myself sometimes like reach a dead end with no way to go. I blogged because of her. It's bacause of her blogging that I started to blog. I did alomst everything to impress her. But I know she didn't notice that way.

I'm insignificant. I'm just. . . a loser. nothing more. nothing less. Plain and simple.