I Remember…

I remember.

I remember a time when there was no math question that I cannot solve.

I remember a time when I am not defeated by even the most challenging math question.

I remember a time when I got first in college for my mid-year.

And now, I remember that all those were a thing of the past.

Now, going through my Calculus notes is like going through an Oxford Dictionary, where many things are nothing but strangers to me. I thought I know them, but when I went into doing problems about them, I came back referring to the notes.

I thought I knew.

The clock is ticking; Tuesday is coming.

I think what I need now is a morale booster, like back in college. I recall my second year one, when I got back my first math class test results, I failed. I got only 4 upon 15 when everybody in class passed. Even the other repeat students. Even the pure year ones. I am the only one that failed. And that is what struck me to work harder, and harder, and by mid-year, I was top. I surprised myself too.

How I wish miracles like this happen to me again.

Now, I cannot even hold my writing material with confidence. Back in college, Mr Francis Tan said this before “Always do your tutorial in pen, class. Don’t do in pencil. That way, it will help improve confidence in you, and also I can see how confidence are you in doing your work.”  Now, I not even confident in using the pencil. My hands are reluctant to start writing. I have lost my confidence.

Mrs Kwang has always praised me for having good concepts. But now, I have lost that too.

There was so much in me last time that I cannot find now.

I have lost my… … much-ness.