Her and Her

I just realised that I have not been publishing the posts that I have written back home on Windows Writer. Much happened this pass few weeks, but I was too lazy to blog about them I guess, with work commitments and so on. I am getting use to work more now, now that I have make some friends. I met Winston who just finished his service in the army too, and is Lim Young's volleyball junior back in Hwa Chong. I forgot the other guy's name, but he just finshed private degree and waiting for his results which will be released in end Febuary. Now that it's the off peak period of our work, we will like 'pop' over to each other's desk to 'talk cock' with each other. They are not intending to stay for long, and will most likely leave when their contract terminates in Febuary. I was like trying to talk them into staying. I know this isn't like the perfect job - having to call employers, and sometimes having to endure through their complaints and scolding - but every job has it's own negative aspect. Like Zhi Wei for example, being a tutor for little kids, who needs to answer to their parents if something goes wrong. Like Ming Dong, who needs to worry about sales quota at Singtel. Like Yanci, who needs to worry about whether he has prepared the paperworks properly. And so on and so on. I just 'pop' over their desks again, and Winston told me he just sent his resume to another company already. 'Just send only lah; not like they will accept me.' he says. I guess there's no harm done testing your market value. But still, I have this little hope that they will change their mind and stay.

Anyway, yesterday I got my second pay for the last two weeks of December, and because the last two weeks were four and a half day work week, I didn't earn as much. I treated myself to Burger King breakfast this morning, after having endured through crazy employers, who blame the whole world on how bad their situations are, but themselves. Typical Singapore uncles; they have money for 4D, Toto, gambling and so on, but no money to pay bills. When you call them, they will give lame excuses like times are bad, and scold us for keep calling them for the payments, and not taking pity on their situation. But it's thanks to them that I got this job. Peak period is over for now, so there's nothing much for me to do. I have settled all I can and pass it to my collegaue, who will handle the rest. I am going off earlier today to go back camp for B2's Farewell. Before that I'm meeting Zhi Wei, Danton, and Bing Wen to go Clementi Central to play Time Crisis - like what we use to do every Wednesday last time. Oh my god I'm already missing those days; it's either golden roaster, sumo house, or mos burger for dinner first, then Crisis 4, then NTUC before going back to camp. It seems like only yesterday that we have done all these.

I'm been thinking about stuffs this few nights, since last Saturday. I saw her on Saturday night. I extended my hand for a hand shake. She waved back to me, and then we went off in our own direction. Why does she refused a simple hand shake? I kept encouraging myself, giving myself false hopes: 'Maybe she didn't see?', 'Every girl will have reacted the same way she does.', 'At least she was smiling when she saw me.' I felt sour after that and went on feeling emotional for the rest of the day. The next day, Sunday, I saw her again, going up the stairs back home. She didn't see me. But now, I was feeling like the end of the world already because there was this other girl whom I always talk to, and suddenly I was thinking about her more this few days. I feel comfortable talking to her, and she will always reply me almost immediately. I know that I can always turn to her when I'm feeling down and need someone to talk to. But now, I think I have crossed the line and begin to feel this attachment to her already. What should I do now? Is this even love, or fondness to start with? I feeling very very confused now. It's hard to just let go of this five years which I suffered in silence, the pain that I could not open my mouth and tell her that I love her, the pain that I can only sit beside her as a friend and not hold her hand, the pain that I could not get myself more involved in her life... ... I feel that by now, if she still doesn't know that I have been secretly loving her, she would be quite a fool actually. But I suspect that she already knew that for quite some times already. Everyone is like telling me "Give up on her lah! She takes you for granted and doesn't really care much about you." I wanted to prove everyone wrong. I wanted to show everyone that she does care, that's why my attachment grew stronger. But as days goes by, I can't help but think like everyone else does. Is it time to let go? I have not even tell her. I guess I'm still not brave enough to face the answer that she would give. Even if she says yes, I don't know what will become of us. Will we be happy? If her answer is no, who is going to clear up what remains of our friendship? And her too. Why am I thinking of her?! She is a good friend! If I choose to go after her, I will destroy everything that I hold with her.

Sometimes, I really wish that life could be simple. Plain. And transparent.

[simply zishen]