Selfish

"What is the first thing that you will do when you learn that you are going to die?" He asked me on the train when we were on our way home.

"Helped me tell her that I love her." I said.

"See?! You are selfish! The first thing that comes to your mind is her. What about your parents, your family?!" He replied almost immediately, and I need to say it really caught me off balance. I don't know what to say anymore, so I just stood them and listen to him talk while I'm consumed in my own thoughts.

"You are selfish!"

Those words are still screaming in my head now, even though they are said to me on the night of Saturday. I can still imagine myself back there on the train. Well. I don't know. I do miss my family a lot these days. I missed the times when we use to be together, be it just sitting around and watching TV or going out shopping. But sometimes I hate it and would get quite fed up with my mum nagging at me being fat, and like comparing me with other people. I hate it! Can't I just be who I am? What's wrong with being yourself? Your very own self? I know she has high hopes on me, but that doesn't mean she needs to control very part of my life. So sometimes, I'm scared of going home. She will just say the same things over and over again. Guess Facebook is right after all; I need my own space. I'm getting use to sleeping in bunk myself, like I can do whatever I want and nobody will care about me, and also I have my own space to 'emo', and think about my life.

I think my life is... ... a rather low one. Low life. I guess what I told my college class mates were true: Life is like a vacuum cleaner; it sucks. I not saying that I'm not happy with my life, but my life is up to this point is more of doing things to please other people. I have not been doing things to please myself. So I'm more like someone being manipulated around.

I'm looking forward to seeing her soon anyways. It has been a while since we last met, and I'm always happy about meeting her, because we don't meet up much. I have been thinking about her almost every time. I really missed her... ...

So does thinking of her makes me a selfish person?

[simply selfish zishen]

Thoughts

After physical training in the morning, I went back to wash up. Ang called me. I didn't recognise the number at first, but I recognise the voice when I called back. He just don't change much, does he. I sometimes feel that he know me too much, even when I didn't tell him much about what I am doing. He likes to question my every action. Well, it's fun sometimes. At least I know he cares. But sometimes he cares too much.

Work. More or less the same as before, just that I have a different feel about the office now. The branch is like not the same as when I first came in. When I first came in, I feel more happy. But now it's not as lively as it use to be. I don't know; maybe it's just me.

The guys left early today for nights off. Sometimes I really hope that they understand the situation that I am in, when I say I don't know to go out cos I want to save money. Anyways, me and Su Ze watched finish Rush Hour 3 and a bit of House Bunny before he was called back for a meeting.

Am on duty tomorrow. Hope everything goes well.