"What is the first thing that you will do when you learn that you are going to die?" He asked me on the train when we were on our way home.
"Helped me tell her that I love her." I said.
"See?! You are selfish! The first thing that comes to your mind is her. What about your parents, your family?!" He replied almost immediately, and I need to say it really caught me off balance. I don't know what to say anymore, so I just stood them and listen to him talk while I'm consumed in my own thoughts.
"You are selfish!"
Those words are still screaming in my head now, even though they are said to me on the night of Saturday. I can still imagine myself back there on the train. Well. I don't know. I do miss my family a lot these days. I missed the times when we use to be together, be it just sitting around and watching TV or going out shopping. But sometimes I hate it and would get quite fed up with my mum nagging at me being fat, and like comparing me with other people. I hate it! Can't I just be who I am? What's wrong with being yourself? Your very own self? I know she has high hopes on me, but that doesn't mean she needs to control very part of my life. So sometimes, I'm scared of going home. She will just say the same things over and over again. Guess Facebook is right after all; I need my own space. I'm getting use to sleeping in bunk myself, like I can do whatever I want and nobody will care about me, and also I have my own space to 'emo', and think about my life.
I think my life is... ... a rather low one. Low life. I guess what I told my college class mates were true: Life is like a vacuum cleaner; it sucks. I not saying that I'm not happy with my life, but my life is up to this point is more of doing things to please other people. I have not been doing things to please myself. So I'm more like someone being manipulated around.
I'm looking forward to seeing her soon anyways. It has been a while since we last met, and I'm always happy about meeting her, because we don't meet up much. I have been thinking about her almost every time. I really missed her... ...
So does thinking of her makes me a selfish person?
[simply selfish zishen]
1 comment:
dude, how can thinking of someone make you selfish? maybe it'll make you more susceptible to getting run down by a truck because you weren't looking at the traffic lights, but as far as I know, being selfish is when you only think for yourself. at most, you can say you're lovesick.
if you feel you're not doing enough for yourself, then do something about it. there's time. and if you're being manipulated, do what you can to stop it.
cheer up, aye? your life ain't low.
jishun
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