Tuesday Blues?

Maybe it's me myself this time; I choose not to be too happy today. Just like the feeling of being emotional, as in not to the extreme, but more like contain within myself.

Nothing much happened today I suppose. Went to run with Dy and Bing Wen outside. When we reached the turning point, I like going to die already. Think I drank too much water before we start.

I recalled what Wei Lun told me when we last met; he told me "Zi Shen, your blog huh very emo leh; read until I want to cry already." I was like reading my blog now, and I almost cried myself too. Must my life be this sad?

Monday Blues

Feeling quite down today.

So much for expecting nothing?

Thoughts

Dad isn't free to fetch me to camp today. So, of course, I have to go to camp myself. Not a bad idea actually; I need to escape from the world and have a little bit of space for just myself.

Have been having mood swings quite often last week. I sometimes feel like I'm not giving in 100 % into what I should be doing and what people expects me to do. Like, I would just do the minimum to like keep myself 'alive'. I'm not committed enough I guess. I think I should also change the way that I talk to people also. It's time to get more serious. As in about life, about work.

Was on the train just now. I let myself drown in my own thinking, music from my MP3 blasting through the ear piece as pictures of thoughts fills my head. Was thinking about my family. We have been going through quite a lot these past few months. I feel sorry for myself and my family sometimes because like I can't do much now to help improve the family. I wished I was better. I was at King Albert Park 's Cold Storage last Wednesday, buying some snacks for my office. I was like pushing the trolley up and down the alleys . I recalled how me and my dad use to go to NTUC every Sunday last time to shop. I would like just dump everything I want into the trolley because I don't need to pay. Now, everything that I picked up from the shelf, I would have to think whether it is really needed. I missed shopping with my dad, not because he's my ATM, I just missed him as a person.

At least the Sentosa trip yesterday with Dennis, Jin Tai, Jin Long, Clement, and Xin Ying lets me 'escape' from this cruel world for a while. Was fun just lying there and doing nothing much except for lazing around. They kept asking me about her. Dennis was like 'How long you like already? 5 years already leh still don't know to say huh.' Yeah. Five years. And I still have yet to tell her. Cathay Picture House and Plaza Singapura. Our 'lao di fan'. Every time I pass by that area, I will always think of the movies that we have watched together there, and the meals that we had eaten. Miss her. I hope she is doing well.

So here I am, in office. Have no idea what will happen tomorrow. Well; expect nothing, they say, because you will be disappointed if tomorrow isn't what you've expected... ...

Dy and the rest just went out for LAN. I didn't want to go, cos we just went yesterday, so a bit no point. So, yeah, was talking to some friends on E-Buddy the whole evening, and also checking on my Facebook.

Thought of her suddenly, so went to search for her on Facebook. She was tagged on a video so I went to watch. It shows her some of her friends. She was happy. It's good to know that she's happy. I'm happy for her. At least that's what I see. I haven't contacted her in quite a while. Feel like seeing her again.

Five years already, and I still have not tell her.

[simply loser zishen]

I want to be Better Again!

Quite moody today. Ran one round with Dy then stopped. I don't know why I stopped. After that when Dy went back, I ran 2.4 myself. When I ran, my mind fills up with pictures. Fills up with thoughts. Of my life. Of my friends. Of what I have done. My mind just... ... ran as I run.

I messaged Daniel in the morning. Suddenly think of this old friend. He's in the navy now. Well. I hope... ... he is doing well.

I tried to keep to myself in the morning. Only keep add in a few comments when the others talk.

Played soccer in the evenings.

I hope things will get better.

[simply loser zishen]

I want to be Better

I don't know. But I'm feeling kind of down right now. Is it because of what just happened?

But. Nothing happened? So why am I feeling sad?

I just saw my ex-PC wrote on my Facebook wall.

"... My MG Assistant."

I don't know. But a tear escaped my eye.

I wished that I was better. I really do.

Sometimes I feel like what-a-loser-I-am.

I wished that I was stronger. I really do.

My upper study kept telling me, and telling everyone in fact, that I am a very happy person, cos I keep smiling and joking around and have that kind of happy-go-lucky mood every time.

But. Below those wide smiles, happy faces, and funny jokes, I see another person. A person who struggles with his emo-ism. A person who is a waste of sperm. A person who is weak. A nobody. A disgrace. A loser.

I want to be better. Why can't I like be others?! Why am I so weak???!!

Everybody's special, they say.

Yeah. I'm special too. Cos I'm the freaking loser! Yeah. That's what makes me special. Can't things just go right for a while???!!

[simply loser zishen]