Today was quiet. I was quiet actually. The whole day in office I never really talk much, just like speak when I'm spoken to. Started talking towards evening. I don't know why; I just don't feel like talking today. Think I am the one that make this so? After all, I am the one that chooses whether I want to be happy or sad. DY was like "Are you okay not? Shouldn't you be happy coming back from Malaysia? Do I need to interview you not?" Apparently, I choose to be quiet. Life isn't the same anymore I guess. I was quite emo yesterday night actually 'cause I think I dropped my Student EZ Link card outside camp after I alighted from the bus. One is I just topped up the card and second is I can't cheat Student fare anymore. Will cost me quite a lot now just for traveling.
Contacted Boon Hui in the morning. Apparently he went to Australia for some exercise and didn't inform us. I have been trying to contact him for the past month. I hoped he is doing well in where he is now.
Gim Hock left for Thailand yesterday for his last exercise before he commission next month. Hope he is doing okay at the moment; i just want him to be safe.
I was thinking of this question this past few days: What if all my friends are gone? Who can I turn to? Someone told me: If they are truly your friends, they will stick around for a while. Is that true? But what if there are no true friends in this world? What if the whole world is nothing but an illusion?
As we go on, we remember all the times we spent together;
And as our lives change come whatever we will still be friends forever.
Familiar eh? It's the chorus of Graduation (Friends Forever) by Vitamin C. I was like listening over and over again on the train that day. It brings back lots of memories, especially from secondary school and BMTC, cause this song was playing during my passing out parade. Really really missed those days in Dragon. Although it's tough, it was that that really bonds and brought us together. Me, Gim, Boon, Ah Beng, Zhen Nan, Xiao Gao, Danton, Gary, Matthew, Wei Hao, Ambert, Giant, Marcus, Evan, Sister, Don, Amos, Chew, Tai, and etc. and etc. Although now I only keep in touch with a few of them like Gim Hock and Ah Beng, I still missed the rest of my platoon mates. Platoon Sergeant Wayne was right: BMT is the part of army that you will remember the most.
This sounds gay but I really missed being with my friends, especially those I don't really meet up with. I feel that I am like pestering some to meet up. What if because of this that they think I'm very annoying and thus spoil the impression that they had in me?
So I guess all I need to do now is just shut the f**k up and wait. They will stick around for a long time if they are my friends. Maybe I'm scared that I'll lose my friends again, like how I lose some in the past few years, like Yi Fen. I met her on the bus in July. I still want to talk to her, but from her body language, I know she doesn't want to talk to me anymore. Guess we didn't break well back in secondary four. As in we didn't end the relationship in a good way. Now I missed her as a friend. I still remember how we used to chase each other around when we were in primary school 'cause I will be like teasing her. Guess those good old days were gone. Nothing, but memories now. Janson too. I think we are okay now, but I still feel a bit awkward. Like we have not really talk to each other in months. I feel that even if I talk to him now it won't be the same as before. Worse, we might even end up quarreling again, which I don't want to 'cause our friendship is ruined enough already I guess. Eng Ling too. I didn't talk about him much before. He's my GPMG Gunner. As in when I was still a rifleman. He's a good guy, and I really really appreciate him looking out for me during trainings. During Platoon Defense Field Camp, I was on medication. He did most of the digging for me while I rest. I am touched by this. Although he sometimes like make fun of me, I know he was just playing. He said to me this when I know I'm going to downgrade: You are always my MG assistant. These words touches my heart. I don't know how to put it but I feel happy that he treated me this way. But, after what happened in August, everything changed. He didn't really talk to me for one whole month. Although he's talking to me now, it somehow feels different already. Zhou Hua. This guy I known in primary four. I think during secondary school days I said something to him that makes him quite mad, 'cause he wasn't in the best of moods that time, and we ended up not talking anymore.
I'm afraid to lose my friends again! Think that's the reason why I'll be like very scared when people don't reply to my messages. When I text message people and didn't get a reply, I'll be like worried and wondering: Why he/she didn't reply me? Is it because they are annoyed by me? Is it because I'm a burden to them? Are they okay? Am I an eye sore to them? Millions of like negative questions will like fly through my brain. The other side of me will be saying to me: Maybe they are busy? Maybe they are attending to something else and their phone is not with them? But I simply can't; the negative thoughts are more and much powerful as compared to those positive onces. Guess it's because of me being afraid of losing my friends. I don't have much friends left, so I'm afraid.
What if all my friends are gone one day? I confirm won't be able to take it one. I'm afraid of being lonely! I'm afraid of being all by myself! Sometimes I really wished that I'm stronger. The more I want to be, the weaker I become. I find comfort in contacting Gim Hock and hanging out with him. But now he is in Thailand. So, guess I won't be hearing from him any time soon. Wonder if he got bring his hand phone along. Wished he was beside me now. At least when I feel emo in Tekong he knows how to comfort me. I really missed this guy. My buddy. My friend. My brother. Sounds gay but I still need to say.
原来我也会害怕寂寞.
[simply emotional zishen]
2 comments:
Hallo da jie, I chanced by your blog while having some free time at work. Urm, I wanna tell you not to be so pessimistic when it comes to friendships. You're definitely a great friend, one who will always be there. I do feel a tinge of regret that we were not very close friends but I believe all those you've fostered close friendships with, will always be there for you. & even though we were not as close, trust me, I will also be here for you, till always (: Cheer up & tk care!
Hey, chanced by your blog and been looking through it. Sometimes we can't help feeling this way and don't it just hurt when your relationship has soured or merely drifted apart with friends you're once close with. However lousy you feel don't think that your friends have forsaken you. Relationships needs to be forged and though we're busy our lives i don't think your friends cannot lend a listening ear for you, even just for a night. There isn't a need to feel so lousy and inferior to everyone. If you feel lousy you might want to consider doing a few things, such as staying away from people who make you feel negative, or you can vent your frustrations by going for jogs in the evening. Alternatively you can find a counselor. Counselors are just like friends you can find for a chat(they are not psychiatrists as commonly mistaken). I don't know all of what you have gone through and i am in no position to really advise you. However do take my suggestions into consideration though i don't know if you even agree with them. Don't go into feeling numb because it will take a lot to jump out of it. Life goes on...we'll just have to take things into our stride. It's not choosing to be happy, it's choosing your perceptions of things and how they make you happy. Life already sucks enough as it is without taking shit from other people.
-Anonymous-
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