the zishen identity

What is Politics?

2011-04-15T14:13:00.001+08:00

A son asked his father, “Daddy. What is politics?”

The father said,

“Look, I bring the money home. Therefore I am the Capitalist.
Your mother administrates the money. Therefore she is the Government.
Grandpa watches everything. So he is the Union.
Our maid is the Working Class.
We all want just one thing: your well-being. Therefore, you are The People. And your smaller brother who is still in his nappy, is The Future.”

“Do you understand, my son?”

The little one thinks, and tells his father that he wanted to sleep it over for one night.

During the night the boy wakes up, because his baby brother produces something with an unbearable smell from his nappy and is crying.

As he doesn’t know what to do, he goes into the bedroom of his parents.

But there is only his mother in the bed, and she is so fast asleep that he does not succeed in waking her up.

So he goes into the bedroom of the maid, where he finds his father having fun with her, and grandpa watching them secretly through the window.

All of them are so engaged that they don’t realise that the boy is standing in front of them.

So the boy decides to go to bed again without having been able to solve the problem.

Next morning, the father asks his son if he is able to explain with a few words what politics is.

“Yes!”, answers the son.

“The Capitalist abuses the Working Class.
The Union watches without doing anything,
while the Government sleeps.
The People is completely ignored,
and the Future is in shit.”

That’s Politics!

我想说…

2011-03-10T02:38:00.001+08:00

逃避了整天的现实的我，应该回来了吧。

想借这个机会，感谢今天陪着我的人。

思宁：谢谢你。谢谢你在我最需要你的时候一直陪在我的身边。我知道我是一个比较悲观的人。但，你从来没有放弃哄我开心。你每次不会拒绝我emo的时候去你的房间找你。很快我们的早餐俱乐部又要从新开张了。有你在我身边，不论是吃午餐，在 NTUC 买日常用品，在 Jurong Point 找 Bengawan Solo, 在地铁上 HTHT, 在你房里看‘海派甜心’，晚上走去 North Spine 的麦当劳买 Double Cheese Burger, 等等… 我都很开心。谢谢你每次在我很无助，很需要人陪伴的时候，每次出现在我面前，一直鼓励我，安慰我。我会很珍惜，很珍惜我们的友谊，尤其是我们今天一边看偶像剧，一边唱‘记得’。感谢你！8D I choose you! *花痴*

我想了一会儿了，也想和另一个朋友说声对不起。我知道你很信任我，但我没有办法去不想你。所以，接下来的日子里，我会做坏我自己的行情，冷漠你，让你讨厌我。对不起！这也不是我想要的。但，为了你，我觉得我这个牺牲是值得的。我会很想念，很想念我们之间所发生过的事。更重要的事，我会想念你的。

有那么简单就好了…

为什么？

2011-03-07T04:07:00.001+08:00

我到底在做什么?!

为什么我会为了你而哭??!!

值得吗?

2011-03-07T03:57:00.001+08:00

子申!

为什么你回头!!

为了她,弄到自己这样狼狈，

值得吗??!!

感触

2011-03-06T22:21:00.001+08:00

为什么你要在我离开的时候说爱我?!

2011-01-15T01:41:00.001+08:00

为什么你要在我离开的时候才跟我说你喜欢我?!

如果我现在选择你，我不就是在吃回头草吗？

就当做我们没有缘分吧。就当做我并没有喜欢过你吧。

但，如今，可能吗？我可以把你不当一回事吗？

当初该说的时候，就应该大声的说了，就不用变成今天这样；明明喜欢着彼此，但却不能在一起。

明明喜欢着彼此，但却因为怕付出，怕责任而不敢在一起。

现在，想和你像以前一样，莫些不成熟的人就会在一旁给我眼红，装可怜来博取你的同情，我看到都觉得恶心。

我不想失去你这个朋友。但，我们现在... 还数的上是朋友吗？我现在很不了解你了。你现在就好像是一个匿名的陌生人一样，我根本不了解你的心情。我根本不知道你在想什么。

所以，现在，谁来收拾这些被破坏的友谊？

曾经爱过你

2011-01-12T23:37:00.001+08:00

这首歌是郑源的‘曾经爱过你’。它唱出了我想对她说的话。

“傻傻的想了很久,
却依然想不出分开的理由.
你走的时候用沉默代替了分手,
是你太残忍还是我太认真.
如果爱情可以瞬间忘记
我又何苦那么的爱你
冰冷的空气
穿透我的身体
冰冻我的心
你能看到我留在屏幕上的字
却看不到我滴在键盘上的泪
眼泪的滋味好象苦水
我会记着你的好
一辈子
为你落下最后一滴泪
不再哭泣
也许某天还会笑着想起你
写下的日记都是回忆
只希望你可以在你的心里
留下我的身影...

落下的泪滴是为了你
也为了证明我曾经真的
爱过你...”

想对你说...

2011-01-11T09:28:00.001+08:00

对不起。

我故意疏远了你，不是因为我不喜欢你了，而是因为我了解我们在一起的未来很灰朦。

不过，我敢承认的是我曾经有喜欢过你。

我也敢承认的是我曾经为了你哭过。

当初我喜欢你，可能是因为我欣赏你的好玩，你的随和。但是如今，我当初喜欢你的原因，却变成了我想分开你的理由。你的过于好玩与随和已经到了我无法去接受的地步了。

我也知道很多人很看好我们。也有风声说你对我慢慢的有了好感。我在那一瞬间感到很开心。但，直系的想了想，我们的差异实在太多太多了。

我会很想念，很想念我们在一起快乐的时候。十几二十年后，我会回头看一看，可能那时候的我会后悔没有选择你，也可能我已经在过着无忧无虑的生活。但，我敢跟你保证的事，我会一直记住你的好，和我们在一起的时候得日子。

我会亲自去找你，做一个我们都开心地总结的。

2011

2011-01-01T01:15:00.001+08:00

Happy New Year!

And there goes the fireworks at the open field in front of Khatib Station. Cheers, and words of well-wishes for the new year drowned the usual quietness of this hours. I watched the display in silence, recollecting my 2010, while my besties were taking photographs.

2010 just passed. Like that.

8 months plus at CPF Board, and the rest in NTU.

A very big Thank You to my colleagues at Recovery Department of CPF Board. Thank you for everything that you all have done for me and taught me. Nordin, Wenhui, Mckenzie, Boon Ying and Mr Lee from Area E, thank you. I have enjoyed working with you all very much, and I have learnt loads from you all. All the bestest for the new year! Hope the number of default cases will be lesser! You all will be dearly missed and remembered by me, always.

To Zwicky schoolmates, Jessalynn, Kenneth, Lea, Hong Guang, Alicia, Jiemin, Jessie, Wei Xiang, Ivan. Thank you for making boring lectures and tutorials much much much more enjoyable. To the rest of the Zwickies, all the best for the coming new year!

To Nevaeh, you guys rawks! Totally AWESOME! All the very very best for this year, and all the future sems to come.

To Disney, Block 18, Unisus, UniQkidZ, and the other Hall 1 folks, I have had a great semester living, working, training, playing, and htht-ing with you all! Thank you for adding more colours to my life. Let’s make 2011 a much much better year!

To besties, Dennis, Joanne, Xin Ying, Jin Long, Sheraine, Rui Xiang, Raymond, Jonathan, Yong Peng, thank you for spending the first 20 mins of 2011 with me! XD 2011 will be the bestest year for all of us! Huat aaaahhhh~

蜂涌般的人群之中
头顶上璀璨的光芒
我们高高的举起双手呐喊‘新年快乐’！XD

And to all the rest of the folks not mention above, a very happy 2011 to you!

不能握的手却比亲人更亲厚。

2010-12-30T00:23:00.001+08:00

当你知道你不知不觉的~~喜欢上~~对你不应该喜欢上的人有好感的时候，问题就大了

我觉得还不算得上是喜欢，因为虽然有想念她，但还没有想念到死去活来的地步。

就很想念她，想念那个比亲人更亲厚的她。

但是却是一双不能握的手。

幸福是你们曾经在一起

2010-12-22T10:54:00.001+08:00

这是一个没有太阳灰朦的早晨。

考试完了的心情，就有如窗外没有太阳的早晨一样空虚，好像少了一点什么的样子。

想借这个机会跟一个很好很好的朋友说：回头草每次都是比较好吃的。你也不需要因为他的莫些小动作把自己给搞乱，搞糊涂了。可能这些动作让你在那一瞬间感到很幸福，也可能他的这一些举止是想对你有所表达，但是这一些总要吗？

我知道我自己的爱情生活很不丰富，也许我命中注定在情海中颠簸。我觉得爱情就是当你们在一起的时候，彼此相爱着对方，那就是幸福了。

我想说的是，虽然你们俩都继续过着自己的生活，幸福的是你们曾经在一起过，也轰轰烈烈的爱过彼此，我觉得这样已经足够了。

重要的是，那一段美好的记忆，你们是都不能够忘记的...

我也想象你一样，可以轰轰烈烈的爱一场。可是我承认我有一个‘很难爱’的样子。

就让我继续傻傻的做我自己吧。 :)

I Remember…

2010-12-19T18:30:00.001+08:00

I remember.

I remember a time when there was no math question that I cannot solve.

I remember a time when I am not defeated by even the most challenging math question.

I remember a time when I got first in college for my mid-year.

And now, I remember that all those were a thing of the past.

Now, going through my Calculus notes is like going through an Oxford Dictionary, where many things are nothing but strangers to me. I thought I know them, but when I went into doing problems about them, I came back referring to the notes.

I thought I knew.

The clock is ticking; Tuesday is coming.

I think what I need now is a morale booster, like back in college. I recall my second year one, when I got back my first math class test results, I failed. I got only 4 upon 15 when everybody in class passed. Even the other repeat students. Even the pure year ones. I am the only one that failed. And that is what struck me to work harder, and harder, and by mid-year, I was top. I surprised myself too.

How I wish miracles like this happen to me again.

Now, I cannot even hold my writing material with confidence. Back in college, Mr Francis Tan said this before “Always do your tutorial in pen, class. Don’t do in pencil. That way, it will help improve confidence in you, and also I can see how confidence are you in doing your work.” Now, I not even confident in using the pencil. My hands are reluctant to start writing. I have lost my confidence.

Mrs Kwang has always praised me for having good concepts. But now, I have lost that too.

There was so much in me last time that I cannot find now.

I have lost my… … much-ness.

Nine More, One More

2010-12-16T23:21:00.001+08:00

Nine more days to Christmas.

I have had a hell of a week, with examinations one after another every day.

One more paper to go.

And already I feel like how I felt like after my A levels.

I did not ask her out for Christmas…

… yet.

Escape

2010-11-23T11:41:00.001+08:00

I need an escape from the world. I want to shut my window on the world.

I remember a line from the movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall: If life give you lemons, just say fuck the lemons.

I wish life was that easy.

I want to laze around some more. God will you give me a day or two to do that, so that I would be feeling guilty when I do?

I have disappeared since morning, hiding myself away from the world. Right now, I feel cold. I have accomplished quite some stuffs in the morning, like finish revising for a topic, and redo a tutorial without referring to the solution set. But what is the reason that I still feel lousy? Maybe because I have not adjust back to the study mode, after two years of wearing the green helmet and another eight months plus of calling stupid employers.

I miss my god-life self three years, doing every maths question with no pain and so much ease. And my favourite line “A waste of my talents.” Also another reason why I feel lousy, because of my attachment to previous condition of living.

It’s really cold here.

The Mathematics of Friendship

2010-11-23T00:04:00.001+08:00

I was thinking about what Prof Chan was saying during one of the lectures for foundation mathematics. We were on the topic of Relations, and it bearing the properties of Reflexivity, Symmetry and Transitivity. Then he randomly asked us this question, “So, what about friendship? Does it bear these properties?”

If friendship is reflexive, then am I a friend of myself?

If friendship is symmetric, does me treating you as a friend means the same you treating me as your friend? In other words, do you treat me as your friend like how I treat you as mine?

And if friendship is transitive, if i am friends with you, and you are friends with someone else, then i am friends with that someone else. Well, maybe Friendster will make you believe so.

I am thinking more about the second property, of friendship being symmetric. Do you treat me the same like I treat you? Or am I simply just a tool to you, say to get good grades for your lab, or to get to know someone you like better, or to tap my popularity so that you can boost yours?

Again, sorry for this random entry. It’s not target at anyone whatsoever.

I just feel lousy. T.T

为什么??!!!!!

2010-11-07T21:19:00.002+08:00

WHY ARE YOU DOING THESE TO ME!!!

WHY YOU 说一套，做一套!!!!!

WHHHHYYYYYY!!!!

:((

彩虹与星星

2010-11-06T07:38:00.005+08:00

I delicate this post to a good friend, who I had endless heart-to-heart talks with, and who I share countless secrets with.

I just woke up a few minutes ago, and I saw this quote on Twitter:

If you love two people at the same time, choose the second one.

Because, if you truly loved the first one, you wouldn't have love another one.

I know you know what I'm talking about.

同时喜欢彩虹和星星的你，必须要做出一个决定。

同时喜欢彩虹和对两方都不公平。我知道要你现在做出一个选择，对你来说很难，但是我想让你知道不管你的决定是什么，我都一定会在旁边帮你加油的。

Also, I want you to sort out first, difference between 暧昧，爱情 and 同情。

For me, 我喜欢烟火。Fireworks. Everyone loves firework, 因为一年看的到它机会才不到几次。And every time it comes out, it only lasts for a while. If now there were fireworks everyday, some people will find it very boring or 无聊.

My love for her is like fireworks. I don't see her, or hang out with her very often, but I know that if I do, I know I would have a great time, even if it's only for a while. But the sad part is, quite a number of people loves fireworks too. :(

Whatever you do, please don't 陷太深 like me. I don't want you to get hurt from all this. And be happy about what you are doing. Miracles happen.

你是喜欢白天的彩虹呢，还是较爱晚上一闪，一闪， 亮晶晶的小星星呢？ :)

What am I trying to prove?!

2010-09-03T01:44:00.002+08:00

Seriously, what am I trying to prove? What am I trying to achieve after doing all those things?! Unjustified. Unexplainable. Am I doing those things because I want to do it? Or is it that I'm doing it because people are expecting me to do it? Or perhaps it's just selfish me trying to entertain my own crowd and add to the pile of mess that's already there, which no one bothers to clean up, yet instead, add on to the mountain of trash that's already there? So at the end of the day, what on earth am I trying to prove???!

Sorry for this random entry.

My Letter to Nevaeh

2010-07-31T15:22:00.004+08:00

Dear Nevaeh,

I woke up this morning to find that you guys are not beside me no more; I'm back in my own room. I have missed my bed for the past two weeks in camp, but now I missed you guys even more. I missed seeing our bags scattered all over the chalet's floor; I missed queuing up like one hour plus for the toilet; I missed all the HTHT that we have had, and most of all I missed you guys. Although the first day we all are not very 'high', but look at us today: best 'jia ba' OG, and champion for beach games.

I can't thank you guys enough for the wonderful time that you all have given me. You guys will always be remembered and be missed by me.

Zishen

Distance Fares - What it Really Means

2010-07-08T08:35:00.005+08:00

From 3 July 2010, all commuters will be charged a fare according to the total distance travelled, on the bus, LRT and MRT. The introduction of Distance Fares will bring about a more integrated fare structure that will allow commuters to make transfers without incurring additional cost (bring in more revenue for us by passing on to commuters the additional cost). With Distance Fares, fares are computed on a journey basis with a extra-super expensive boarding charge on the first trip, without a boarding charge being imposed for every transfer trip that makes up your journey. This way, you can choose the travel option that suits you best while we enjoy collecting the revenue no matter which route you try to go.

With the completion of the Circle Line from Dhoby Ghaut to Bartley (which is so expensive that we have to change to this fare system to earn back the cost of the project), the transport options for commuters have widened greatly (and so is our profits). For example, residents living in Bishan now have the additional option of taking the train when travelling from Bishan to MacPherson. The opening of the Circle Line from Harbourfront to Marymount next year will open up even more travel options for commuters, especially so after the ga'ment gave out $200 to everybody.

Distance Fares is a major step towards integrating Singapore's public transport system and gives commuters greater flexibility, choice and convenience (and greater amount of fares too!).

(Extracted from http://www.publictransport.sg/publish/ptp/en/distance_based_fares.html)

2010-07-07T19:21:00.002+08:00

I finally found the time and willingness to change my blogs template today. My sister left for KL yesterday, so I had the luxury of using her laptop while she's gone for the week. My desktop broke down a couple of weeks ago due to the motherboard, and I didn't find it value for money to replace it, cos I'll be getting my own laptop soon for my upcoming studies, and also my desktop is nearing seven years old. What it was originally was a Dell Dimension 4600, but now when I looked at it, nothing reminds me of that except the casing and a spoiled circuit board.

I went down to NTU to submit my bursary application today. Looks like they are still halfway through refurnishing the place for the Youth Olympic Games. The shuttle bus that Jintai and I took on the way out was filled with GOAT (Groups Of Ah Tiongs!) Looks like they really do have brains, but I heard from most of my friends, especially my colleague Wei Wei, that they have really weird ways of living. So keep your fingers crossed; I'll be meeting them soon.

Afternoon was spent at home, watching movies and reorganising the blog, to make it less... emotional? Anyways, it was good taking a day off work. I have not take a break like this for the longest time.

Looking forward to university life. And orientation.

My Life's a Path

2010-07-05T17:29:00.003+08:00

In a blink of an eye, it is all going to be over soon. My tour at the CPF Board will soon come to an end. Through thick and thins, I have come this far. Looking back now, it seemed like only yesterday that I came in. From strangers to colleagues, from acquaintance to friends, relations formed and bonded this few months is unforgetable. I have learned a lot from the people over here, and I hoped that they have learned something from me too. Even if it's just a lame joke that came out from me, I hopedthat five to ten seconds of laughter will bring joy and fun to them for the next five to ten days.

The fact that I'm not on holiday today reminded me that I am no longer a youth, or a teenager anymore. I'm going to be 22 years old this coming 13 October. This again reminds me of how much I have grown. It's all happening so fast, I realise, when you turn around and look back at the path that you have journeyed. I saw myself, finishing A levels, enlistment, POP, rifleman, AIT, turn-ops parade, down-pes, INT ASA, best soldier of the month, taiwan, H1N1, ORD, CPF RYD, nominated best nsf of the year, and now, 8th month in CPF Board. What I'm seeing down my path is now NTU MAS. Am I ready?

Le travail peut être amusant!

2010-03-03T20:02:00.000+08:00

Le temps a passé aujourd'hui extrêmement rapide au travail! Il est excellent, car bien que je suis un peu occupé, je suis heureux. Au moins je n'ai pas à agir occupé, qui est comme la chose la plus dure à faire! Les employeurs sont toujours stupides, comme toujours. Wen Hui est très très heureux aujourd'hui, parce que tous les employeurs qu'elle attendait arrivés le matin à sa rencontre. Quant à moi, je suis d'accord avec Mary Poppins aujourd'hui: Dans tous les emplois qui doit être fait, il ya un élément de plaisir. Lorsque vous trouvez du plaisir, le travail d'un match. Et puis, chaque tâche que vous entreprenez, devient un morceau de gâteau! J'étais jongler entre les appels téléphoniques, et l'envoi des lettres, et autres courses, des formes d'ajustement, aux services bancaires de chèques.

J'ai déjeuné aux deux états-majors de nouveaux temporaire du Département procédure judiciaire, et bien sûr, Winston. Le déjeuner était à Amoy Street Food Center. Et après cela, il est de retour au travail. De temps à autre, quelqu'un va sortir une blague pour tout le monde pour en rire. Elle aide certainement l'après-midi des plus agréables.

Quatre mois de plus avant mon départ pour les études. Je ne me sens vraiment prêt pour le moment.

Weekend of 16 and 17 Jan

2010-01-18T09:05:00.003+08:00

Silence greeted my entrance into office in the morning. The office was rather empty, which is not surprising at this time of 8.10am. Passing by Jeremy while going to my desk on the far end, I greeted him 'Good Morning' with a smile. He looked up from his computer, nodded in enknowledgement, and muttered a 'morning' so soft that I can't really hear. The silence added more to the coldness in the office, especially on a Monday morning. The journey to office by train this morning was not the most pleasant one; a geek was leaning his whole body on a pole and playing PSP. Bacause of him leaning on the pole, people who are boarding cannot move in and so everyone was jammed at the entrance of the train. He was too engrossed in his PSP to notice that he was blocking everybody's way in. I was standing beside him, not having anything to hold on to, and thus was trying very hard not to fall when the train is pulling to a stop when nearing stations. Looks like Phua Chu Kang's A Happy Journey Starts Like That project wasn't a very successful one. Anyway, nearing my desk, I saw one pile of letters, undersigned by Wen Hui. I can't help but smile to myself. I have no idea why I smiled when I saw those letters, but I just did. I folded and mailed them out immediately. A few phone enquires and dishonored cheques more or less concluded the morning part of my work today.

Sunday, 18 Jan 2010

I slept in til 8 plus in the morning, because I know that I won't be able to for the next five days. After a quick shower, I tried to tidy up my room, especially my desk. My mum likes to put everything in the world on my desk: pins, masking tapes, my baby brother's story books, and so on and so on. Plus some stuffs of my own and my clothes, my desk is like a mountain of junks. I managed to clear some of the stuffs from my desk. My book cupboard is like a museum: National Geographic dated 2004, Readers' Digest dated to as early as 1999... ... I treated them like treasure last time. Now they are just junks. I took them all out and ask my mum to sell them to the ga nang gu ni man when he come along. I harvested my crops on Island Paradise on Facebook, before leaving for Tan Tock Seng Hospital to visit my aunt. She can't see properly with her left eye now, and the doctor had wanted her to be warded to be put under observation for like five days. Visiting at Tan Tock Seng Hospital has become very troublesome now; you need to register atthe counter, queue for the lift, wear mask, and there are security guards and a few police officers around to maintain order. My aunt couldn't reconginise me when I call her from the distance. Only when I went nearer to her that she knows it's me.

I talked to her for quite a while, because I know that she is bored. Since 2005, she has spent most of her time in hospital, due to her illness. 2005 was quite a struggle for her. But I guess she is getting use to it already I guess. I left around 3.30pm and went back home. I told a detour to MPH at Novena Square to browse for some books. I reached home around 4 in the evening, and went on to watch Star Wars: Clone Wars series, because it's only a few more episodes before I finish watching the entire season. I went over to Khatib's NTUC after watching to buy some stuffs. Came back, a game of Red Alert 3 before ironing my clothes for work tomorrow, and finish tidying up my desk, before calling a day and went to sleep.

Saturday, 17 Jan 2010

I woke up almost immediately when my handphone's alarm rang. I'm meeting Joe for Macdonald's breakfast at Compass Point. On the bus journey to Seng Kang, I was enjoying the warmth of the sun through the tinted windows on the bus. There wasn't much vehicles on the express way this early, so the bus was able to get to Seng Kang quite fast. I sat myself outside Mr Bean to wait for Joe. I expected him to be late, and true enough, he lived up to my expectations. By the time he arrived, he was already close to being 20 minutes late. He brought me cup noodles from Taiwan. Well, I guess more of bowl noodles. we managed to find seats after a while at Macdonalds. If Macdonalds breakfast is in concern, I guess it's always Big Breakfast. I bought two sets of it with medium Milo rather than regular coffee. It's my treat to Joe for his birthday and I guess for thanking him with the 'bowl' noodles. He told me about his trip to Taiwan, Thailand and everything else in camp that happened in my absense. After breakfast, we went to Best to loiter around. I told him that I wanted a lot of things: PSP, PS3, Aino, Speakers, cruise, camera... ... then he was like "You siao huh? Want so many things for what?" The concept of unlimited wants and limited resources still exist. We parted after that because he's going to meet his girlfriend. By the time I reached home it's afternoon already, and as I promised my mum, I helped her clean the toilet in the afternoon. The paints on the ceiling are all coming off already, and I need to use a big brush to scrup them down. It was like snowing, but quite irritated kind. I spent a while in the toilet.

At night, I met Elton for movie at Yishun's Golden Village. I wanted to go to Ang Mo Kio Hub's Cathay initially, but Elton says he don't feel like travelling that far because he wasn't feeling very well. We watched The Spy Next Door, by Jackie Chan. It was like the Pacifier, so it was quite predictable. Anyway, Jackie Chan is rather old already, so I guess he won't be doing much movies in future. (One more fall then that might be it) After movie, we went over to Northpoint's food court for dinner. I haven't been eating at Northpoint's food court in ages, ever since I graduated from college. The batter fish rice was $4.50 now, compared to $3.80 two years ago. And the fish has become smaller to that two years ago. At least the standard of the meal is still okay. I don't know what Elton ate, but it looks like rojak less everything but with some fried beancurd and cucumber. After that we went over to Harvey Norman. Elton needs to buy the vacumm cleaner bag. We went to the bus terminals after that. Elton couldn't catch his bus in time, so we were standing around waiting. I told him that I think she knows that I love her already. He was like, "Come on loh. Who doesn't know?!", "She knows. So what?! She will kill you meh?". I told him, "So what? So I need to do area cleaning to clear up what remains of our friendship loh." By this time, he was shaking his head and signing already. Signing, because he is disappointed in me, I guess. He told me he just spent $30 on the miserable Doramon toy from Macdonalds to please his dream girl. $30 on a toy that is worth less than $1. It shows how much he like this girl. I guess we are pretty much on the same boat. Well, not really the same, at least he is much much more good looking than me. My bus came, so I waved him goodbye and hurried off. I'm thinking on the bus. I forgot what I'm thinking, but I was just thinking.

On MSN later in the night, Kenny was telling me that he felt bad not being able to meet me everytime I asked him out. I missed Kenny as a friend but I know he has his own commitments and stuffs to undertake, so I don't really blame him or what. I'm just feeling disappointed that's all. He asked me what I did see in him that I wanted to be his friend. I don't know how to answer him then and there. What are the things that you see in people that you want to be their friend?

I guess I need to sleep on that one tonight.

Her and Her

2010-01-14T09:05:00.004+08:00

I just realised that I have not been publishing the posts that I have written back home on Windows Writer. Much happened this pass few weeks, but I was too lazy to blog about them I guess, with work commitments and so on. I am getting use to work more now, now that I have make some friends. I met Winston who just finished his service in the army too, and is Lim Young's volleyball junior back in Hwa Chong. I forgot the other guy's name, but he just finshed private degree and waiting for his results which will be released in end Febuary. Now that it's the off peak period of our work, we will like 'pop' over to each other's desk to 'talk cock' with each other. They are not intending to stay for long, and will most likely leave when their contract terminates in Febuary. I was like trying to talk them into staying. I know this isn't like the perfect job - having to call employers, and sometimes having to endure through their complaints and scolding - but every job has it's own negative aspect. Like Zhi Wei for example, being a tutor for little kids, who needs to answer to their parents if something goes wrong. Like Ming Dong, who needs to worry about sales quota at Singtel. Like Yanci, who needs to worry about whether he has prepared the paperworks properly. And so on and so on. I just 'pop' over their desks again, and Winston told me he just sent his resume to another company already. 'Just send only lah; not like they will accept me.' he says. I guess there's no harm done testing your market value. But still, I have this little hope that they will change their mind and stay.

Anyway, yesterday I got my second pay for the last two weeks of December, and because the last two weeks were four and a half day work week, I didn't earn as much. I treated myself to Burger King breakfast this morning, after having endured through crazy employers, who blame the whole world on how bad their situations are, but themselves. Typical Singapore uncles; they have money for 4D, Toto, gambling and so on, but no money to pay bills. When you call them, they will give lame excuses like times are bad, and scold us for keep calling them for the payments, and not taking pity on their situation. But it's thanks to them that I got this job. Peak period is over for now, so there's nothing much for me to do. I have settled all I can and pass it to my collegaue, who will handle the rest. I am going off earlier today to go back camp for B2's Farewell. Before that I'm meeting Zhi Wei, Danton, and Bing Wen to go Clementi Central to play Time Crisis - like what we use to do every Wednesday last time. Oh my god I'm already missing those days; it's either golden roaster, sumo house, or mos burger for dinner first, then Crisis 4, then NTUC before going back to camp. It seems like only yesterday that we have done all these.

I'm been thinking about stuffs this few nights, since last Saturday. I saw her on Saturday night. I extended my hand for a hand shake. She waved back to me, and then we went off in our own direction. Why does she refused a simple hand shake? I kept encouraging myself, giving myself false hopes: 'Maybe she didn't see?', 'Every girl will have reacted the same way she does.', 'At least she was smiling when she saw me.' I felt sour after that and went on feeling emotional for the rest of the day. The next day, Sunday, I saw her again, going up the stairs back home. She didn't see me. But now, I was feeling like the end of the world already because there was this other girl whom I always talk to, and suddenly I was thinking about her more this few days. I feel comfortable talking to her, and she will always reply me almost immediately. I know that I can always turn to her when I'm feeling down and need someone to talk to. But now, I think I have crossed the line and begin to feel this attachment to her already. What should I do now? Is this even love, or fondness to start with? I feeling very very confused now. It's hard to just let go of this five years which I suffered in silence, the pain that I could not open my mouth and tell her that I love her, the pain that I can only sit beside her as a friend and not hold her hand, the pain that I could not get myself more involved in her life... ... I feel that by now, if she still doesn't know that I have been secretly loving her, she would be quite a fool actually. But I suspect that she already knew that for quite some times already. Everyone is like telling me "Give up on her lah! She takes you for granted and doesn't really care much about you." I wanted to prove everyone wrong. I wanted to show everyone that she does care, that's why my attachment grew stronger. But as days goes by, I can't help but think like everyone else does. Is it time to let go? I have not even tell her. I guess I'm still not brave enough to face the answer that she would give. Even if she says yes, I don't know what will become of us. Will we be happy? If her answer is no, who is going to clear up what remains of our friendship? And her too. Why am I thinking of her?! She is a good friend! If I choose to go after her, I will destroy everything that I hold with her.

Sometimes, I really wish that life could be simple. Plain. And transparent.

[simply zishen]

This Weekend

2009-12-20T20:11:00.001+08:00

Weekends always pass so fast. Before I know it, it’s already Sunday evening, and it’s Monday tomorrow, which means work! I envy the rest of the mates, clearing their leaves and offs. I suppose they envy me too that I ORD already. But what’s there to envy about ORD? Freedom? Civilian life is not as free as it looks like.

Anyway, Saturday was spent at home, using computer and sleeping, cos going out will mean spending money. Even if you don’t spend on buying things, you will still need to pay for meals and transportation. At least I need to wait until I get my first pay end of the month. I need to go and submit my time sheet tomorrow after at International Plaza. Saturday night was spent at grandma’s place. I spent most of the evening talking to my aunts downstairs while my cousins played ball at the badminton court.

Today is Xin Ying’s birthday, and she invited the secondary people to her house for a mini birthday party. I met Jin Tai and Dennis at Northpoint to buy present first. We don’t know what to get for her, so in the end we settled for a set of speakers from Cyberactive. The best part was the shopping for the wrapper at Popular. Because the speaker set was so big, we don’t know what size should we buy.

It’s fun seeing the secondary school mates again. People like Huixian, Sheng Loo, Willy, Kelvin, and Yong Peng. The whole afternoon at Xinying’s place was spent playing Texas Poker. It’s Jin Tai first play today, but he won the most. So lucky!

We went off around 5 in the evening. I went to mail out the Christmas cards which I have wrote and went to grandma’s place after that. I talked to my grandma, and she was telling me about saving money. “Always keep half of what you earn.” I wanted to do that too. But maybe it’s because of me not being determined enough to do so, that’s why I’m still broke. Dinner was… instant noodles and two hotdogs, and some left over chicken from Friday.

I miss my friends.

Second Day of Second Week

2009-12-15T20:04:00.001+08:00

The train I took in the morning was very packed. So packed, that I do not even have room to take out my book and read. It was until Novena that a handful of people alight that I took out my book to read. I was kind of sleepy also, because I didn’t sleep well last night; kept waking up every now and then. When my alarm rang at 6.30 in the morning, I was like “So fast morning already?!”

I reached Tanjong Pagar just before 8 a.m. Work doesn’t start until 8.30, so I just sat myself on one of the benches outside Capital Tower, and watched the fountain dance, and people rushing by me in this early morning rush hour. Everything seemed so routine. Same people, same environment, same happenings. Everyday. How I wish I am not in this routine. I can’t believe that I’m actually saying this, but I kind of miss the army. I miss being with the guys. Although we always complain among each other, saying things like “No welfare!” or “No freedom!”, I think it’s because of all these no welfare, no freedom and other difficult times that we are able to bond, as we have one common goal in mind: ORD. Days in branch was so much easier to get by: first parade at 7.30 followed by physical training, 9.30 report to branch, lunch together at 1, pang kang at 5. Work is fun, when you have your friends beside you, and just having fun while working through little jokes and laughter. And I’m missing that already. I think that this is the nature of humans right? Or at least the nature of me. The nature of not treasuring what’s happening at the moment, and kept recollecting how wonderful the past was. There is this saying in Buddhism: … All suffering of mankind is produced by attachment to a previous condition of existence. In other words, if we eliminate out expectation as to how the future ought to be a continuation of the past, we guarantee ourselves more peace of mind. I hope I can do that, and like soon.

Phone calls again in the late part of the morning. I can’t believe that there are still people owing payments, even for the month of October. I just cannot understand it. They remind me of my father, who always like to leave bills unpaid. Unlike him, I like to make it a point to clear all this bills first before any other things else.

Lunch was (well, you’ve guessed it) alone again. Today I went to Amoy Food Centre for lunch, because I don’t want to be stuck in air-conditioned place like for the whole day. Although the walk to the food centre is a rather short one, I enjoyed it nonetheless. At last! The warmth of the sun! I had wanton mee, as usual. I realized that I have not been eating any rice for a while. It was Yong Tong Hu for yesterday’s lunch, instant noodles for yesterday’s dinner, and now today, wanton mee! (And it looks like it’s going to be instant noodles again for dinner tonight.) Anyway, I went loitering again after my meal. See?! Everything is so routine! At least this routine is still quite new to me. A few more months down the road I will be quite bored with it!

I finished making phone calls by early afternoon. So for the rest of the afternoon I was running small errands for my colleagues, like mailing letters, banking in cheques, sending out faxes and so on. I bought a cup of coffee when the snack trolley came around at 3.40 in the afternoon. I was yawning away many times throughout the day already, so a steaming cup of coffee should just be the cure for that. Plus a peanut pancake that I bought from Jollibean while coming back to office from lunch. The combination was goes quite well, especially in the coldness of office. Why can’t office be livelier, like back in S2 Branch? Opps. Attachments to a previous living condition. Live in the present!! But the present wasn’t as fun as the past. From a line in a song by Cyndi Wang, “Memories are fonder than reality.” Sign. I just met Zhi Wei on Saturday night for dinner at Bugis, and met Benjamin two weeks ago for beer with sergeant Cheuk Yin they all. I miss the rest of the people whom I have not met for a while. I asked Gim Hock out last Friday evening, but he wasn’t free. I asked Qing Yang to bring me go St James to club, he said he quit clubbing already. At least I’ve booked Elton for Alvin & The Chipmunk 2, which is coming out soon. Late afternoon today was quite… empty; there wasn’t much to be done. I hope it’s going to be like that for a while. I hate it when I have to be responsible for a lot of things, like that back in S2 Branch: Photo montage, OA accounts creation, updating of OA, video montage, media stickers, and etc and etc. I hope I’m going to be like what I am now: running little errands and phoning a few easy-to-handle people. There was this saying: In Singapore, if you are not the best, then you are one of the rest. I rather be one of the rest sometimes, especially when being the best involves doing so many things. But hey! I was best before! Yah; Best Soldier of the Month. I still find the story of how I got Best Soldier Award funny. I can still remember it the day Sng told me. I was like laughing my head off. Anyway, I tried to pass the late afternoon by “acting busy” typing this entry on Microsoft Word. My seat is back facing the bosses, so typing a “document” on Microsoft Word should be okay I guess. I’m beginning to ice-break with my fellow colleagues; we are talking a bit more now, and cracking one or two jokes. I really do things start to improve soon, so that I can forget about how good branch was. You know what I miss about branch the most? I think it’s a big big big hug from DY Joe! I really really need a big big hug from him soon, if not I will break down.

Christmas is coming soon. I have bought a handful of Christmas cards to be mailed out. I still need to get stamps though. 7 Eleven stops selling stamps already, so I guess I need to go to the post office to get them. I love posting out letters and cards, instead of emails, because it feels more personal. But sadly, when I asked people for their home address, chances of them giving it to me is almost zero. So I only have a handful of people whom I have the home address to mail to. So, for those who wants a Christmas card from me, better give me your home address before the end of this week!

Train ride home was spastic: damn packed! I don’t even have room to put my hand into my pocket to take out my MP3 player to change song. It was until Orchard that most people alighted. Lucky for me, mum cooked dinner tonight (no need to cook instant noodles!) After dinner, used com, like always. I hope it’s just placebo, and not a fever that I’m having now. Maybe I worry too much.

I miss my friends.

Second Week after ORD & of Work

2009-12-14T19:35:00.003+08:00

Monday morning feels like... Monday morning. The feeling of wanting to sleep in some more and not go for work no matter how loud your alarm is ringing. Nonetheless, I pushed myself out of bed and get myself really for work. Train ride today seems a little faster, especially compared to last Monday, which was my first day of work at CPF Board. I'm probably too engrossed in reading my book on the train.

Morning was rather... occupied, I would say. I was helping out mailing out a mountain of letters. Because there are several stuffs needed for each set of mail, and with only me doing it, I took the whole morning. Not that I mind; at least I have something to do, other than making telephone calls to stupid employers!

I had lunch alone today. Again. Sometimes having lunch alone isn't a bad idea: you eat what and where you feel like eating, and not have to listen to other's comment. I went to one of the food stores at the train station and had Yong Tao Hu. It's a bit more expensive as compared to what I always eat at Amoy Food Centre, but I guess it's still quite worth it. Somemore, it's air-
conditioned, and there are plenty of seats to go around (don't need to put tissue paper!). After lunch, I still had around 40 minutes to kill, so I went loitering around the area. Most of the time I was in MJ Multimedia watching new released DVDs like Harry Potter and the Half Blooded Prince, Transformers 2, G Force, G.I Joe, and etc. I got bored after a while, because the shows
kept repeating the same part over and over again. I wanted to get some DVDs which are on sale, but thought again. Not now, I told myself. At least wait until the day I get my first pay cheque.

Afternoon was rather... restless. I didn't do much. Opps. I was just at my work station "acting busy" and surfing internet secretly. How I wish time flies quicker! Time pass so slowly, like a snail.

I hope that all will turn out well. The next day. The next next day...

5 More Days.

2009-11-29T09:18:00.001+08:00

Five more days to ORD. Time flies so fast. Wasn’t it only yesterday that I finished my A Levels exams and enlisted into the army? I can still remember all that I have went through. Nonetheless, I’m glad that this chapter of my life is coming to a close.

Saturday, 28th Nov

It’s the third day of Sitex. I’ve asked Zhi Wei on Wednesday to go with me on Friday actually. But he got date with Jane on Friday already, so we decide on Saturday evening after his work.

I waited for them at the station for like one hour plus! Ahhhhh! Then I was wearing the ‘So he killed your dad.’ Tee Shirt that Danton bought for me, then was quite ‘attention-seeking’, cos passers-by will just walk by and stare at my shirt. Even got one guy came up to me and say ‘That’s a nice t-shirt you are wearing.’ and asked me where I bought the shirt.

Around seven thirty, they finally came. Jane also want to get a new printer, and have her eyes set on HP already. For me, I was kinda set for Epson, cos after using it in office for the past one year I find it rather good to use. I wanted one with WIFI one initially, but even if got, I wouldn’t have any use of it. So I bought the Epson TX110 for $98, with free $20 NTUC voucher. Jane bought a HP one with WIFI, cos she say a lot of people sharing the printer.

On the way out we saw the lucky dip for ladies only. Then we thought is like sure win one, so we asked Jane to go and dip. In the end, nothing. After that we went to Burger King for dinner. Burger King was super crowded! I had turkey balcon while Zhi Wei and Jane had mushroom swiss. After dinner, we went back.

2009-10-04T21:22:00.000+08:00

你几时才回来?!

我真的好想好想念你.

Why am I doing this again?

2009-09-20T20:19:00.002+08:00

The feeling of being alone isn't great at all. Not a single bit. The bus ride to camp was cold. And lonely. Only the presence of my Zen Stone comforted me a little. Throughout the ride, I was looking out of the window. I enjoyed the bus trip nonetheless because of the coldness and lonliness. It's when I shut the whole world up and keep my thoughts to myself.

Loads happened. I still have not get over the incident two weeks ago. Actually I am kind of restricting myself, in case I do harm to someone again. There was a repeat of the incident actually. So I was like thinking "Why am I doing this again?!" when I was talking to Sam. I am very disappointed in myself. For the first time in ages, I ran. The wind blow against my face. The tasted the salt of my sweat as it rolls down the front of my head. Why? Why am I doing this again?! Zishen, you are WEAK!

The rest of the week was rather routine. Again. Took leave on Friday.

How Much is Friendship Worth?

2009-09-05T20:24:00.002+08:00

"No wonder they always don't want to tell you things!"

This line hit me hard. Really hard. As if someone just throw a extra super big rock at me. I didn't know what to say anymore. The journey back home was kind of tense for me. I just looked out of the bus window blankly, thoughts running through my mind. Am I that unreliable? If I am so, why are they still around me and faking our friendship? I realised now that I am like the lowest in the chain. I am not told of all the happenings, or the juicest gossips among us. So much for being in intelligence. Ironic.

After what happened today, I think the group won't trust me as much anymore. So. I guess I won't be hearing from them in a while. Now I understand what they meant by "Your friend today may be your enemy tomorrow. "

Let this be a test of the eight years friendship that we share ba.

This Week

2009-07-29T20:49:00.002+08:00

It has been a rather hard-to-get-by week for me, since I booked into camp on Saturday. The thought of me doing duty again tomorrow when I have used done one a few days ago is quite "agony". That's a new word that I liked to use since I heard it from my officer after this morning's endurance run. He was using to describe that the running route was not that good to run on. because of the slopes. So now I am like using "agony" to say that I'm very worked up.

I just got back from nights out with Zhi Wei. We went Clementi Central to eat Mos Burger. He ate a hot dog sandwich, which he don't even know what the meat is, while I just have a fish burger. Also, we shared a box of fifteen butterfly prawns. Afterwhich we went to play arcade. I tried Time Crisis 4 today and just ten seconds into the game I have already lost one life. I was like thinking how am I going to survive if I were suppose to go fight for a war. After Time Crisis was Maximum Tune. I almost win the race man, then at the last corner, my turn was too wide while Zhi Wei cut in from the inner side. I was like NOOOOOOOO~ like how Darth Vader did in episode three. Then Zhi Wei get one more play. Sob Sob.

He went to buy food for his bunk mates after that. We stopped by Fairprice to look around. I want to eat ice cream but he tell me I will die one after eating Mos Burger. In the end I bought one carton of Pepsi and a Kinder Joy for Sam, because he bought me Yam Yam that day. Just my way of thanking him back.

I think I had been trouble to Sam, because I kept waking up super early in the morning, and thus disturbed him from his sleep. Then I think I used the laundry line that was initially his last time. Also, now he has to like ask whether I still need the lights and whatsoever when last time he could just do what he want. I don't know. That's what I think.

Sam usually talks to his girlfriend over the phone until quite late at night. I wonder when will it be my turn. I quite admire Sam. He is a nice guy to be with. And a good friend.

[simply loser zishen]

The Broken Vase

2009-07-25T22:54:00.005+08:00

A broken vase can never be fixed. Even if you try to fix it back with glues and stuffs, it won't be as perfect as before.

I have not been blogging for ages. So it's kind of hard for me to start the ball rolling again. I am thinking of how I should begin my entry. So in the end, something my friend, Shermaine, said to me this evening, well, I guess that would be great to begin this entry with. She was using it to describe why she wouldn't want to patch with her ex-boyfriend, because she don't believe that the relationship will ever be the same as again.

Anyway, I changed my duty with Sergeant Xin Yi just to meet up with her today, to go cheer for her lion dance team at Cheng San Community Centre at Ang Mo Kio. She asked me along because her ex-boyfriend is in the team, and I'm there more for deterence I guess. It's good to see her anyway. I think she slimmed down a bit, probably from the stress of the near coming examinations. She was wearing a hot pink shirt today which I think was very cool, and her enthusiasm and cheerful feel sort of like lightened me a little. So, yeah, we went for dinner at MacDonalds, because I don't want to eat Pepper Lunch, which she claimed was very nice, but I insisted that I don't want to. A little bit un-gentlemen on my side. Just a little I guess. So, yeah, we went back to our "lao di fang" i.e. MacDonalds. I always liked the seaweed shaker fries, and my all time favourite, McSpicy with cheese! Shermaine can't make up her mind on whether to have beef or chicken. In the end she chose McChicken. And also found out today that she doesn't like garlic and vinegar when I asked her why she didnt take the garlic chilli from the self-service counter (is that what you call it? the booth with the straws and pepper thingy at MacDonalds?)

I asked her about her school work and her preparation for her big examination this year. She's nervous about it she told me. She said she doesn't want to end up like her cousin, who didn't do so well. And she just rejected a scholarship to study music, saying that she doesn't want to do music for the rest of her life. Her eating speed was quite slow, but it's good just sitting down and chatting with an old friend. But not that old, as in I know her since May 2007, and we kind of have a bad start actually.

Anyway, after dinner, we went to Cheng San Communtiy Centre for the competition. We climbed the super long stairs and only when we were on top did we see another path that don't need to climb. Then Shermaine was like complaining, "Why you bring me walk this kinda path?!" We arrived just on time, so we have to stand because all the seats were taken. She kept hesitating to go over to greet the team because the-one-that-she-doesn't-want-to-see is there also.

"Why don't you want to go over? Just say hi and come back? It won't hurt." I said.

"Na," she replied, "I don't believe in patching up this kinda things. A broken vase can never be fixed. Even if you try to fix it back, it won't be as perfect as before."

"And I don't believe in friends after breaking either."

And so that's that. Thoughtout the competition I was just talking to her, asking her how the scores are counted and stuffs along that line. We left after the second last team was done, and before that, she was tricked into going to the-one-that-she-doesn't-want-to-see to take a picture with him, which she rejected. She was expecting Calvin to save her, but he just stood there and smile. She told me Calvin liked her, but I didn't ask her why aren't they together. They looked happy when they with each other. I hoped my presence there today hasn't spoil anything.

We were walking to the bus stop when she saw her bus, 25, coming. "Okay. That's my bus. Thanks. Bye." she said to me, and then off she went. I hastened my steps and managed to wave her goodbye from outside the bus. I sent her a sheepish message after her bus sped off the bus stop, thanking her for bringing me out today, otherwise I would be rotting at home until it is time to book in. I wanted to help her in maths, like before in college, but I've lost my god-like ability to do maths. Last time I tired to help her but in the end I was staring blankly at a one mark question. I think if Mrs Kwang learn about this, she will definitely scold the hell out of me and say, "Where are your concepts?! No concepts!"

During the bus ride back to camp, I can't help but kept thinking of the broken vase that Shermaine mentioned earlier. Does every girl thinks this way? That a broken relationship is like a broken vase? But the guy won't try to fix the vase back if he doesn't like the vase at all. If the guy trys to fix the vase back, this mays that he still likes the vase and want it back, and so should be given another chance to prove himself. Yeah. But the vase will never be the same. Think the guy should go and buy anther vase and make sure he doesn't break it. And the No-Friend-After-Break concept. I hope other girls won't think this way, especially her. Now, I don't dare to tell her even more. What if she thinks like what Shermaine does? Then I would loss another friend. I have lost enough people in my life already! I don't want to loss another just because of what I have said. A tear escaped my eye on the bus. I hoped no one saw that.

[simply loser zishen]

Her Smile

2009-07-24T19:25:00.004+08:00

When she turned and smiled back at me, I know that I will not be seeing that smile for another couple of months.

*** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** ***

Peishan found me first. I was looking for her in the crowd that was coming up from the platform level at Somerset stattion when she came bouncing up to me. She flashed me a smile, before I did the same. Her smile is very beautiful, especially when the dimple forms on her left cheek.

We walked to Cineleisure and like always, I like listening to her talk. About her driving lessons in the morning, about her family, especially her father and so on. It's still quite early, so the ticket booth on the fourth floor was like, empty. Three kids were buying their movie tickets and it wasn't long before it's our turn. She wanted to watch Ice Age 3 initially but she was afraid that the movie has finished showing since it stared quite a while ago. But, yeah, the movie is still showing, but she has already watched it a few weeks back. So it's Harry Potter and the Half Blooded Prince today. She chose us couple seats at the the second last row.

After buying tickets, we went to Xin Wang to have lunch since we still have time. I couldn't make up my mind on what to eat, so I just anyhow choose the Luncheon Meat with Egg Noodle soup while she had Beef Hor Fun. So it's just talking, and more talking for the rest of the meal. She didn't know that her Beef Hor Fun came with fried onions. So when her meal came, she was carrying the oh-my-god kind of look on her face. I forgot how particular she was when it comes to eating. Then half way through eating, she had to make a couple of phone calls to settle some emergency for her hall.

Half Blood Prince was kind of... plain. There is like no climax for the movie. But I enjoyed it anyway. Throughout the movie, I kept stealing glares at her. She looks more mature with her specs on in the cinema. After movies we went for dessert at the dessert store at Hereen. We shared a serving of Mango Snow Ice together. Quite sweet. And yeah, more talking. I think she was doing most of the talking. I was more of listening. And I like it. It's good just listening to her talk. I hoped I was a good listener.

I sent her off to work after dessert. She showed me her punch card area and stuffs. We parted outside the female toilet, cos she needs to change for work. She bidded me goodbye and went off to change. When she turned and smiled back at me, I know that I will not be seeing that smile for another couple of months. It doesn't kill to wait for her to come out, I told myself. So I waited outside for her. She came out like 15 minutes later, smiled and said "Eh. You are still here. Thanks for waiting." I followed her downstairs to her work area and we parted... ...

Reluctantly, on my side.

[simply loser zishen]

Selfish

2009-04-20T21:19:00.005+08:00

"What is the first thing that you will do when you learn that you are going to die?" He asked me on the train when we were on our way home.

"Helped me tell her that I love her." I said.

"See?! You are selfish! The first thing that comes to your mind is her. What about your parents, your family?!" He replied almost immediately, and I need to say it really caught me off balance. I don't know what to say anymore, so I just stood them and listen to him talk while I'm consumed in my own thoughts.

"You are selfish!"

Those words are still screaming in my head now, even though they are said to me on the night of Saturday. I can still imagine myself back there on the train. Well. I don't know. I do miss my family a lot these days. I missed the times when we use to be together, be it just sitting around and watching TV or going out shopping. But sometimes I hate it and would get quite fed up with my mum nagging at me being fat, and like comparing me with other people. I hate it! Can't I just be who I am? What's wrong with being yourself? Your very own self? I know she has high hopes on me, but that doesn't mean she needs to control very part of my life. So sometimes, I'm scared of going home. She will just say the same things over and over again. Guess Facebook is right after all; I need my own space. I'm getting use to sleeping in bunk myself, like I can do whatever I want and nobody will care about me, and also I have my own space to 'emo', and think about my life.

I think my life is... ... a rather low one. Low life. I guess what I told my college class mates were true: Life is like a vacuum cleaner; it sucks. I not saying that I'm not happy with my life, but my life is up to this point is more of doing things to please other people. I have not been doing things to please myself. So I'm more like someone being manipulated around.

I'm looking forward to seeing her soon anyways. It has been a while since we last met, and I'm always happy about meeting her, because we don't meet up much. I have been thinking about her almost every time. I really missed her... ...

So does thinking of her makes me a selfish person?

[simply selfish zishen]

Thoughts

2009-04-01T20:36:00.002+08:00

After physical training in the morning, I went back to wash up. Ang called me. I didn't recognise the number at first, but I recognise the voice when I called back. He just don't change much, does he. I sometimes feel that he know me too much, even when I didn't tell him much about what I am doing. He likes to question my every action. Well, it's fun sometimes. At least I know he cares. But sometimes he cares too much.

Work. More or less the same as before, just that I have a different feel about the office now. The branch is like not the same as when I first came in. When I first came in, I feel more happy. But now it's not as lively as it use to be. I don't know; maybe it's just me.

The guys left early today for nights off. Sometimes I really hope that they understand the situation that I am in, when I say I don't know to go out cos I want to save money. Anyways, me and Su Ze watched finish Rush Hour 3 and a bit of House Bunny before he was called back for a meeting.

Am on duty tomorrow. Hope everything goes well.

Tuesday Blues?

2009-03-31T22:50:00.003+08:00

Maybe it's me myself this time; I choose not to be too happy today. Just like the feeling of being emotional, as in not to the extreme, but more like contain within myself.

Nothing much happened today I suppose. Went to run with Dy and Bing Wen outside. When we reached the turning point, I like going to die already. Think I drank too much water before we start.

I recalled what Wei Lun told me when we last met; he told me "Zi Shen, your blog huh very emo leh; read until I want to cry already." I was like reading my blog now, and I almost cried myself too. Must my life be this sad?

Monday Blues

2009-03-30T18:59:00.001+08:00

Feeling quite down today.

So much for expecting nothing?

Thoughts

2009-03-29T20:58:00.002+08:00

Dad isn't free to fetch me to camp today. So, of course, I have to go to camp myself. Not a bad idea actually; I need to escape from the world and have a little bit of space for just myself.

Have been having mood swings quite often last week. I sometimes feel like I'm not giving in 100 % into what I should be doing and what people expects me to do. Like, I would just do the minimum to like keep myself 'alive'. I'm not committed enough I guess. I think I should also change the way that I talk to people also. It's time to get more serious. As in about life, about work.

Was on the train just now. I let myself drown in my own thinking, music from my MP3 blasting through the ear piece as pictures of thoughts fills my head. Was thinking about my family. We have been going through quite a lot these past few months. I feel sorry for myself and my family sometimes because like I can't do much now to help improve the family. I wished I was better. I was at King Albert Park 's Cold Storage last Wednesday, buying some snacks for my office. I was like pushing the trolley up and down the alleys . I recalled how me and my dad use to go to NTUC every Sunday last time to shop. I would like just dump everything I want into the trolley because I don't need to pay. Now, everything that I picked up from the shelf, I would have to think whether it is really needed. I missed shopping with my dad, not because he's my ATM, I just missed him as a person.

At least the Sentosa trip yesterday with Dennis, Jin Tai, Jin Long, Clement, and Xin Ying lets me 'escape' from this cruel world for a while. Was fun just lying there and doing nothing much except for lazing around. They kept asking me about her. Dennis was like 'How long you like already? 5 years already leh still don't know to say huh.' Yeah. Five years. And I still have yet to tell her. Cathay Picture House and Plaza Singapura. Our 'lao di fan'. Every time I pass by that area, I will always think of the movies that we have watched together there, and the meals that we had eaten. Miss her. I hope she is doing well.

So here I am, in office. Have no idea what will happen tomorrow. Well; expect nothing, they say, because you will be disappointed if tomorrow isn't what you've expected... ...

2009-03-12T21:48:00.003+08:00

Dy and the rest just went out for LAN. I didn't want to go, cos we just went yesterday, so a bit no point. So, yeah, was talking to some friends on E-Buddy the whole evening, and also checking on my Facebook.

Thought of her suddenly, so went to search for her on Facebook. She was tagged on a video so I went to watch. It shows her some of her friends. She was happy. It's good to know that she's happy. I'm happy for her. At least that's what I see. I haven't contacted her in quite a while. Feel like seeing her again.

Five years already, and I still have not tell her.

[simply loser zishen]

I want to be Better Again!

2009-03-10T20:27:00.003+08:00

Quite moody today. Ran one round with Dy then stopped. I don't know why I stopped. After that when Dy went back, I ran 2.4 myself. When I ran, my mind fills up with pictures. Fills up with thoughts. Of my life. Of my friends. Of what I have done. My mind just... ... ran as I run.

I messaged Daniel in the morning. Suddenly think of this old friend. He's in the navy now. Well. I hope... ... he is doing well.

I tried to keep to myself in the morning. Only keep add in a few comments when the others talk.

Played soccer in the evenings.

I hope things will get better.

[simply loser zishen]

I want to be Better

2009-03-09T18:47:00.002+08:00

I don't know. But I'm feeling kind of down right now. Is it because of what just happened?

But. Nothing happened? So why am I feeling sad?

I just saw my ex-PC wrote on my Facebook wall.

"... My MG Assistant."

I don't know. But a tear escaped my eye.

I wished that I was better. I really do.

Sometimes I feel like what-a-loser-I-am.

I wished that I was stronger. I really do.

My upper study kept telling me, and telling everyone in fact, that I am a very happy person, cos I keep smiling and joking around and have that kind of happy-go-lucky mood every time.

But. Below those wide smiles, happy faces, and funny jokes, I see another person. A person who struggles with his emo-ism. A person who is a waste of sperm. A person who is weak. A nobody. A disgrace. A loser.

I want to be better. Why can't I like be others?! Why am I so weak???!!

Everybody's special, they say.

Yeah. I'm special too. Cos I'm the freaking loser! Yeah. That's what makes me special. Can't things just go right for a while???!!

[simply loser zishen]

2009-02-05T17:11:00.000+08:00

I will remember everyone that left.

First Entry of 2009

2009-01-10T13:18:00.002+08:00

First and foremost, a very happy new year to everyone! I have been rather engaged in playing games and so I didn't really blog during these times.

Everything is just fine. Well, kind of. Lots of people are having their 21st Birthday party soon and so am brainstorming just now on what to get for them. I suppose I can't get really good stuffs for them 'cos my allowance isn't that much.

Loads of stuffs happened. That's all I can say.

[simply zishen]

'Shan' Shine

2008-12-07T23:08:00.004+08:00

Finally I've got life again! No more stuck at home playing Red Alert 3. I met Jin Tai in the afternoon to go Queensway to shop for shoes. Laughs. We meet at Khatib Station first, before taking 855 to Queensway. Talked about the usual army stuffs on the bus. Walked around the first floor only (now that I notice). So yeah, he bought one pair of shoes at $81, after a 20% discount. Adidas shoe, with red and blue strips. After that we went to eat Subway, just across the street. The drink is like plain water. But am in a rush for time, so no time to complain. Think they put too much water to the drink.

Initally wanted to take bus 61 to Harbourfront then take train to Somerset to meet Peishan. Lucky Jin Tai told me got direct bus to town. So we went to the bus stop. Finally found the bus that goes to town, bus 123. So took a 15 minutes ride to town with Jin Tai. We parted at Somerset Station. I thought I was suppose to meet Peishan at Somerset so I waited them. Laughs. I forgot that we were suppose to meet at Dhoby Ghaut instead, until I called her to ask where is she. So I say I will take the train to meet her. And loser me; I took the wrong train! I took the one going down to Orchard! Laughs. So 'pai seh'! So yeah, by the time I linked up with her, I'm almost half an hour late already.

So yeah we went to buy tickets for Four Christmases. Quite a funny movie. But now I forgot what I laughed at already. I only remember they said this: You can't spell 'Familes' without 'lies'. Laughs. After movie, it's around 6.30pm. So we went for dinner. I suggested Plaza Singapura since there got more things than Picturehouse. In the end we ate Cartel. Peishan had Pork Ribs while I had Ham & Egg Sandwich. I have not seen Peishan so happy in like ages. She looks damn happy today. And yeah, she can't finish her Pork Ribs, as usual. I tried one mouthful. Not bad. She says the bread is too hard and the soup is not good. My sandwiches tasted kinda salty also. Laughs.

Walked around after dinner. Peishan is looking for big shades. So yeah, we went around looking for some. She likes one from Guess. I like it too, especially with the letter G at the sides. Did more window shopping. Saw one Little Miss Sunshine at Carrefour, then she was like telling me she got one of those to use at her hall, to match the book I bought for her last time. Laughs. She also talk to me about her senior's hamster which she needs to 'pet-sit' for a while.

Went home after that. Train ride home was okie. I only remember us quarreling about whether her dad's car was blue or green; She says it's blue, but it looks more green to me. Laughs. Yeah, we had a good laugh. So doesn't matter. It's really really nice to see her happy.

Shan Shines Today! :)

[simply HAPPY zishen]

Saturday, 6th Dec

2008-12-07T08:23:00.003+08:00

It's a Saturday, but I was rotting at home all day long. Red Alert 3 brings out the 'no-lifer' in me; I can just sit there for hours playing it.

Finally went out in the evenings, to meet Jinlong and the rest for dinner. Jinlong is damn happy, 'cause he POC already, then now on block leave until 22th Dec, before he report to his new unit. Jintai didn't come yesterday. We had 'zhu chao' at 925 there. Quite happy to see the guys.

We went to play LAN after dinner. We play CS first. I was like totally trashed by them. Sometimes I got lucky. After that we play Command and Conquer Generals. Sze Wei and me verus Jinlong and Jonathan verus CJ and Dennis and Raymond. Jinlong is in the middle of the map, so he kana targeted from everywhere. Me and Sze Wei won in the end. I use the US Air Force Generals, so I'm air attack is up there. Laughs.

[simply zishen]

Raindrops Keep Fallin' On My Head

2008-11-30T13:55:00.004+08:00

Raindrops keep falling on my head... ... and apparently, there's nothing I can do about it... ...

Anyway, here's the song:

Raindrops keep falling on my head...

And just like the guy whose feet

are too big for his bed, nothing seems to fit.

Those raindrops are falling on my head, they keep falling.

So I just did me some talking to the sun.

And I said I didn't like the way, he got things done...

sleeping on the job...

those raindrops are falling on my head, they keep falling.

But there's one thing I know:

The blues they send to meet me won't defeat me.

It won't be long till happiness sleps up to greet me.

Raindrops keep falling on my head

but that doesn't mean my eyes will soon be turning red.

Crying's not for me cause I'm never gonna stop

the rain by complaining.

Because I'm free. Nothing's worrying me.

Raindrops Keep Fallin on My Head - B.J.Thomas

Sitex 2008

2008-11-29T22:23:00.004+08:00

By the time I woke up today, I was a little past 10 already in the morning. I have no idea why am I still sleepy, 'cause yesterday I slept at around 1 in the morning after meet up with Aldric they all for supper.

Am meeting Wei Hao at 1230 at Bugis supposedly to go Singapore Expo for Sitex Show. In the end, we pushed it back one hour 'cause Wei Hao came back from guard duty quite late. We had Long John Silvers at Bugis there for lunch. Wei Hao said need to have something good during the weekends when we book out. Yeah, talked about what happened to us for the last couple of months ever since we parted from Tekong.

Sitex is hell of a crowded, that's all I can say. The deals there are quite good also. Wei Hao bought one Micro SD Card and a head set. I wanted to buy the Creative Speakers that is one sale; it's selling for $69 instead of the usual $89. My speaker at home also a bit old already. Wei Hao was like telling his are like 5 years old already. I still remember that time during the March's PC Show at Suntec, we each bought one Samsung i8 digital camera. He says he will be back tomorrow when his mother approved his printer. So today is more like his 'recce' session with me. Actually, I am also thinking of going back for the speakers. Furthermore it's the last day, so maybe there's a better deal or something.

Came back home to wash up a bit, then went over to grandma's house. It's has been ages since I've been there to visit granddad and grandma. Chatted with grandma for quite a while. I like listening to grandma's stories and her experiences, 'cause I'll always learn something from it. Since quite a young age, me and my siblings are rather close to grandma, especially since my mum starts working last time. So, yeah, we were talking.

Quite a lot happened this month, which I never blog about. Am actually trying to recollect what happened and blog it out. I didn't blog much for this month of November 'cause I was too engaged in playing Red Alert 3. Not bad a game actually. But because of it, I became no life; everyday I'll be playing it for quite a while, until my mum also nag me not to play. All I can say is this month has not been very good. Sad month, November.

I'm like living a lie actually I must say. You all can see me, like smiling everyday, like happy-go-lucky. But actually I have troubles also. Got a few nights this week I have been like crying myself to sleep, and will be like 'emo-ing' alone in my bunk. Sigh. Things sometimes just don't go as you wanted it to be... ...

[simply emotional zishen]

F R I E N D S

2008-11-03T18:28:00.006+08:00

Today was quiet. I was quiet actually. The whole day in office I never really talk much, just like speak when I'm spoken to. Started talking towards evening. I don't know why; I just don't feel like talking today. Think I am the one that make this so? After all, I am the one that chooses whether I want to be happy or sad. DY was like "Are you okay not? Shouldn't you be happy coming back from Malaysia? Do I need to interview you not?" Apparently, I choose to be quiet. Life isn't the same anymore I guess. I was quite emo yesterday night actually 'cause I think I dropped my Student EZ Link card outside camp after I alighted from the bus. One is I just topped up the card and second is I can't cheat Student fare anymore. Will cost me quite a lot now just for traveling.

Contacted Boon Hui in the morning. Apparently he went to Australia for some exercise and didn't inform us. I have been trying to contact him for the past month. I hoped he is doing well in where he is now.

Gim Hock left for Thailand yesterday for his last exercise before he commission next month. Hope he is doing okay at the moment; i just want him to be safe.

I was thinking of this question this past few days: What if all my friends are gone? Who can I turn to? Someone told me: If they are truly your friends, they will stick around for a while. Is that true? But what if there are no true friends in this world? What if the whole world is nothing but an illusion?

As we go on, we remember all the times we spent together;
And as our lives change come whatever we will still be friends forever.

Familiar eh? It's the chorus of Graduation (Friends Forever) by Vitamin C. I was like listening over and over again on the train that day. It brings back lots of memories, especially from secondary school and BMTC, cause this song was playing during my passing out parade. Really really missed those days in Dragon. Although it's tough, it was that that really bonds and brought us together. Me, Gim, Boon, Ah Beng, Zhen Nan, Xiao Gao, Danton, Gary, Matthew, Wei Hao, Ambert, Giant, Marcus, Evan, Sister, Don, Amos, Chew, Tai, and etc. and etc. Although now I only keep in touch with a few of them like Gim Hock and Ah Beng, I still missed the rest of my platoon mates. Platoon Sergeant Wayne was right: BMT is the part of army that you will remember the most.

This sounds gay but I really missed being with my friends, especially those I don't really meet up with. I feel that I am like pestering some to meet up. What if because of this that they think I'm very annoying and thus spoil the impression that they had in me?

So I guess all I need to do now is just shut the f**k up and wait. They will stick around for a long time if they are my friends. Maybe I'm scared that I'll lose my friends again, like how I lose some in the past few years, like Yi Fen. I met her on the bus in July. I still want to talk to her, but from her body language, I know she doesn't want to talk to me anymore. Guess we didn't break well back in secondary four. As in we didn't end the relationship in a good way. Now I missed her as a friend. I still remember how we used to chase each other around when we were in primary school 'cause I will be like teasing her. Guess those good old days were gone. Nothing, but memories now. Janson too. I think we are okay now, but I still feel a bit awkward. Like we have not really talk to each other in months. I feel that even if I talk to him now it won't be the same as before. Worse, we might even end up quarreling again, which I don't want to 'cause our friendship is ruined enough already I guess. Eng Ling too. I didn't talk about him much before. He's my GPMG Gunner. As in when I was still a rifleman. He's a good guy, and I really really appreciate him looking out for me during trainings. During Platoon Defense Field Camp, I was on medication. He did most of the digging for me while I rest. I am touched by this. Although he sometimes like make fun of me, I know he was just playing. He said to me this when I know I'm going to downgrade: You are always my MG assistant. These words touches my heart. I don't know how to put it but I feel happy that he treated me this way. But, after what happened in August, everything changed. He didn't really talk to me for one whole month. Although he's talking to me now, it somehow feels different already. Zhou Hua. This guy I known in primary four. I think during secondary school days I said something to him that makes him quite mad, 'cause he wasn't in the best of moods that time, and we ended up not talking anymore.

I'm afraid to lose my friends again! Think that's the reason why I'll be like very scared when people don't reply to my messages. When I text message people and didn't get a reply, I'll be like worried and wondering: Why he/she didn't reply me? Is it because they are annoyed by me? Is it because I'm a burden to them? Are they okay? Am I an eye sore to them? Millions of like negative questions will like fly through my brain. The other side of me will be saying to me: Maybe they are busy? Maybe they are attending to something else and their phone is not with them? But I simply can't; the negative thoughts are more and much powerful as compared to those positive onces. Guess it's because of me being afraid of losing my friends. I don't have much friends left, so I'm afraid.

What if all my friends are gone one day? I confirm won't be able to take it one. I'm afraid of being lonely! I'm afraid of being all by myself! Sometimes I really wished that I'm stronger. The more I want to be, the weaker I become. I find comfort in contacting Gim Hock and hanging out with him. But now he is in Thailand. So, guess I won't be hearing from him any time soon. Wonder if he got bring his hand phone along. Wished he was beside me now. At least when I feel emo in Tekong he knows how to comfort me. I really missed this guy. My buddy. My friend. My brother. Sounds gay but I still need to say.

原来我也会害怕寂寞.

[simply emotional zishen]

Friends

2008-11-02T09:13:00.004+08:00

Friends stick together till the end.

I am missing a lot a lot of my friends. There are things which I want to tell every one of my friends. I sometimes wished that I was stronger. Like, to be more independent and not rely on my friends. But I will often find myself thinking about them, worrying for them. Are they doing good? Are they having troubles? Do they need my help? As at this moment I hoped that most of my friends are doing fine. I know; they need a break too.

Friends stick together till the end. To the very end.

Let's see who did.

[simply zishen]

[sorry for this random entry]

Recollection

2008-11-02T07:36:00.005+08:00

I was away from Singapore this few days 'cause I went to Kuala Lumpur and Melaka with Zhi Xiang, Matthew and Ming Dong. We left Singapore on the afternoon of 29th Oct for Kuala Lumpur, which we arrived around 8 pm. After checking into our hotels, we went Chinatown. Lots of stuffs on sale, but most vendors are like selling the same stuffs. The next day we went to places like Batu Cave, Central Market, KLCC, Times Square and etc. I'm quite proud of ourselves 'cause like we travel around on their public buses and monorails. Third day we went to Melaka and visited some of the places ot interest with a tour guide before we brought us to the hotel. At night we went to Jonker Walk, which is like their night market. The place is like damn happening, with a singing competition going on and so on. We left the next day for Singapore, which is like yesterday.

We passed Singapore's Custom around 4.30pm yesterday. We reached Queens Street around 5 plus and took train back home. I met up with Herrick and Jintai at night to have dinner and ice cream.

I was looking through Friendster and Facebook yesterday night, and found out some stuffs. Actually I'm kind of slow to only notice it now.

Gim Hock is leaving for Thailand. All the best to him!

[simply confused zishen]

These 2 Days...

2008-10-27T08:47:00.003+08:00

I'm here to reiterate what happened this two days.

Sunday 26th Oct

I was planning a cohesion for the dragon folks in the morning. Was thinking of Sentosa. So I did up a proposal. Need to let Gim Hock read my idea first. I have yet to email him 'cause it's not really finished yet.

Afternoon. I went to sell my Nokia 6500 slide for $220 at Toa Payoh. I don't really need the phone anyways and furthermore my family is going through some problems now. I loitered around Toa Payoh area for a while more before heading to Orchard. Am meeting Alvin, Kang Wei and Zhi Xiang for movie. Reached Orchard quite early so went window shopping. Was loitering around before I decided to go Paragon to see whether Peishan is there True enough; she's there at the service desk, doing some work. When I called her, she was like stunned. We chatted for a while. She said Paragon has changed a lot. Now when she talks to a customer she needs to stand up and etc. I don't want to disturb her so I took my leave to go HMV. I was like standing there watching Iron Man for a while.

Meet up with Zhi Xiang and Alvin at Somerset Station at 3pm. Kang Wei messaged to say that he will meet us at Cineleisure Orchard. Alvin and Kangwei was playing arcade before we went upstairs to watch movie. We watched 20th Century Boys. I don't know why so many people say not nice loh. I find it like damn power loh, especially like when you like really want to find out what will happen next. Then some parts are also funny. Then it's a to be continued movie. The next part is th 21st Century Boys, which will release on 31st Jan next year. Alvin was like 'Steady huh. Steady huh.' when we were moving out of the cinema. I take that as a promise that the 4 of us will watch the second part together...

Was having a hard time deciding on where to have dinner, especially when all of us are indecisive people. In the end we went the little food court at Lucky Plaza's basement. Zhi Xiang was having Tom Yam Soup, then he was like sweating all the way when he's eating. I had Chicken Chop rice and Kang Wei had some Teochew dried meepoh. After that we went shopping at Ngee Ann City's Art Friend. Me and Zhi Xiang were like looking at everything, as in like look look, see see, then comment. Most of our comments are like 'Wow! So expensive huh.' Kang Wei bought some stuffs. Alvin and Zhi Xiang went home after that while Kang Wei continue his shopping elsewhere. I went to meet Champ and Chen Leong 'cause they are celebrating Champ's birthday in town. Was window shopping with them. I have not seen them in don't know how many donkey years already. When their other friend came along I took my leave. They are going to Ding Tai Feng then I was like don't feel like spending so much money already. Plus, it's Champ's birthday and since he had already decided on the place I guess that I shouldn't ruin their plans because of me.

Am on my way home when Jin Tai messaged to say that the guys are meeting up at 925 to talk cock. So took a detour and went to 925 to meet my usual hang out mates: Dennis, Jin Long, Jin Tai, and Xin Ying. The guys just enlisted, so they are like thrilled to discuss what they had experienced. Most of the time I was listening to them. I had been through what they are going to go through so I know exactly how they feel. 12 plus, we went back home. I'm very tired already. Yawnzz.

Saturday 25th Oct

Went to Toa Payoh with Jin Tai. He need to buy some stuffs and I need to hunt for a good place to sell my phone. Sighs. My dad's boss have not give him his pay for don't know how long already. So was walking around Toa Payoh asking every ventor I see about the maximum price my phone can fetch. In the end I never sell today 'cause I forgot to bring out my charger.

Went to Chervons' Emart thereafter 'cause Jin Tai want to buy things for his book in on Monday. After that went Jurong area eat lunch before he meet his friend. I went Orchard's HMV to browse for CDs again. Have the urge to buy but no money already.

Came back Khatib and went to buy cake for Mum, 'cause her birthday mah yesterday. Then went to grandma's house to celebrate with the rest of my relavtives.

[simply happy zishen]

Alpha Cohesion @ Sentosa

2008-10-24T22:52:00.003+08:00

Today was Alpha's Cohesion at Sentosa Costa Sand Resort. I have not have so much fun in a very very very long time... ... Thanks to all Alpha out there that make this happened! I had lots and lots and lots of fun! Anyway I had took tons of photographs and I certainly will remember this day.

Anyways I finally understood one thing today: I choose whether I want to be happy or not. So today I choose to be happy!! Even though I just went around taking photos, I am happy about what I am doing.

So when the world turns its back on you, you turn your back on the world! Cheeerrs!

[simply HAPPY zishen]

Reflections

2008-10-19T16:22:00.003+08:00

Nothing much happened today. Initially I asked Zhi Xiang in the morning whether he wanted to watch movie in the afternoon 'cause he was like telling me he don't know what to do today also. I guess it's next book out.

So here I am. I just returned from grandma's place. Am a bit bored down there actually, and tired. I just feel like blogging. Well I guess I've made it part of my life now. I just need to tell people how I feel about what has been going on in my life. I guess I'm that kind of person that am afraid to be alone. I have always been alone since grade five, ever since my mum starts working. I guess I'm afraid to be like that again, although I'm kind of free to do with I desire.

I remember this place. It's the bus interchange at Sengkang, the waiting place for bus service 965. This is the place where I last saw Gim Hock, on 30th Septmber. The place where we parted after our last meet up for dinner. He promised me that we will meet up soon. I hope he keeps his promise.

I'm online most of the time now because I was hoping that he would come online. It's not me to stay up after eleven at night 'cause it's just not me. But now I find myself online until one plus two in the morning. Zhi Xiang will know. Part of the reason that I'm online is because he's online. I will know where to find him. Laughs.

I think that I am really thinking too much, especially so for Gim Hock and Zhi Xiang. I don't know why.

even couples also need time off for themselves, wad more friends? esp guys lah. some guys r juz so blunt sometimes they would b totally oblivious to others feelings

so ya lor.. dont b upset or disappointed. if they're truly ur friends, they'll stick around for a long time to come

These are Waye Ning's word. So even though Gim Hock never really message me what-so-ever, I am glad 'cause I know that he is okay and that's why he didn't contact me. Furthermore he has his girlfriend. So I shouldn't be like suoffcating him or disturbing his life. Zhi Xiang has his life too.

I'm just too close for comfort to them, ever since I lost a friend.

[simply lonely zishen]

Cohesion Day

2008-10-19T00:32:00.002+08:00

Today is kind of like a cohesion day. Quite tiring also, 'cause woke up like quite early to go to Hort Park at Queens Way there for Division Family Day. Actually it's kind of stupid, 'cause like we go there for the sake of going there (like go there show face only). But I managed to get permission from DY to go off early to renew my passport, 'cause am going to Malaysia with Zhi Xiang they all. So, for the morning, I was like walking around the park with Shengyu and Desmond. Then we went to watch the performance at the Multi Purpose Area, 'cause like outside very hot then we sit inside enjoy the fan. The entertainer was like very gay! Well, he's the entertainer so he needs to be that way; don't blame him, he's earning a living also. What surprised me most is when Ang was like making fun of me again. I was like rather surprised 'cause he hasn't been talking much to me since what happened back in August and whenever I tried to talk to him he will only like give me those one-word answers or nod head or shake head. He won't really talk to me until when the need comes. But today, he was like making fun of me again. Not that I mind; I'm quite happy actually that he did.

So I went off half way, around 10 plus wiht Zhi Xiang they all, to go settle our holiday stuffs. We dropped by ICA building first to renew my passport. Matthew was like complaining that last time when he came he was like waiting freaking long for his turn, when we took only like half an hour now. Then we went to 707 Travel that we went yesterday to place out bookings. Matthew and Ming Dong were like asking about everything. Me and Zhi Xiang were like listening beside. I don't really care much about a few bucks. I'm quite tired actually so I was like lying on the table and Zhi Xiang was like frequently checking on me to see whether I got listen to what is said. I was like thinking: with Matthew around should be okay, 'cause he will like make sure that everything is okay. The Free and Easy Package costs $188 4D3N KL Malacca. So we are leaving on 29th Oct, then come back on 1st Nov.

After that Zhi Xiang went around picking up advertisements for his mum before we dismissed from there. Took 100 with Zhi Xiang. He's watching Southpark on his PSP then was telling me about Lost. It's good to just listen to him talk; makes me feel like... wonderful. I was like sleeping 'cause I'm tired and I don't want to disturb Zhi Xiang watching Southpark. He woke me up when we reach the MRT which I alight and took to Sengkang to meet Shengyu they all to go Uncle Jackson's place.

Uncle Jackson's house is like our gambling den. My main purpose of going there is to give him the shoe he asked me buy for him. I was kind of bored in the afternoon 'cause everyone is like gambling, majong etc. Text messaged Gim Hock to ask whether he want to meet me 'cause I feel like looking him up since he lives in Sengkang also but he's not home so gave up the idea. I played Majong with Roger Shi Ping and Yi Kuang in the evenings. Won $14. Laughs. I have to admit that I have improved a bit ever since Uncle Jackson shamed me in Majong last year at the chalet. I have learnt a lot from him, from Majong to life's problems.

Went back around 8 plus. Met up with Jinlong Huixian and Xin Ying at Northpoint's MacDonalds to 'talk cock'. So, yup, I just came back. Actually am kind of expecting Zhi Xiang to be online. I don't know but MSN feels different without him online. Wait. Wait.

Am missing a lot of friends.

[simply tired zishen]

These 2 Days...

2008-10-17T21:45:00.002+08:00

Thursday 16th Oct
S2/S3 Branch Cohesion

Yesterday we had branch cohesion at Aranda Country Club. We were told to meet in the morning 'cause apparently it's still a working day. I met Cheuk Yin first at Pasir Ris station, and he was telling me about girls passing by here are like very 'chio'. Laughs. Met up with the rest in a short while. Nicholas was late so we waited for him while looking at Cheuk Yin eating his MacDonalds breakfast. Met up with the S3 folks before we prodeed to Pasir Ris Park to play sorcer. Steven make spoil my slippers! Hmph! Am kind of angry 'cause I've been wearing the slippers for like 3 years already, and I like it very much. So was walking bare footed all the way back to Downtown East to get slippers. The slippers at Cheers are cheap, but very gay! All of them are like pink! In the end, I bought one from next door. Costed me $7.90. Went to play arcade at the new E! Hub. E! Hub is like build for those Sec 1, 2 and 3 people and those primary school kids.

Went to the chalet after that. So yup did what we did at every other chalet; Wii, XBox, Majong, Gamble, BBQ... I was doing media coverage most of the time. Not really in the mood to enjoy. Want to play Majong with them, but they play every big. Lucky I never play; Encik lose like hundred over dollars. Slept quite early like 10 plus, 'cause quite tired and nothing much to do.

Friday 17th Oct
Holiday Hunting II

Woke up around 8am. Throughout the night I was like sleeping on the floor at chalet, and was like waking up every 2 hours. Checked out from the chalet around 9.30am. We parted after breakfast at Downtown East's Food Court.

Met Zhi Xiang, Matthew and Ming Dong to hunt for holidays packages again, but this time we went to Golden Mile, 'cause all the better Malaysia deals are there. We went to eat Lao Beijing Hi Tea Buffet first 'cause Matthew jio, say yesterday the TV got introduce then like very nice and affordable also. Quite nice. After which we went to Golden Mile to ask around about their Free and Easy Packages to KL. The 707 Travel one is the cheapest. like around $150 only for 4D3N. We went back there after 'cause Zhi Xiang is meeting friend and Matthew is going to teach tuition. I dropped by Junction 8 on my way home 'cause I needed to but a new bag (all my bag all spoil already!) BHG got a sale going on so went there. Bought a Nike sling bag. $49.90. And a new shorts. $9.90.

Chat with an Old Friend

Was talking to Waye Ning just now. I didn't expect her to be reading my blog, but apparently she did. Was quite happy that she did. After all, she is the knowledgeable one. She taught me quite a lot today:

u're e only one who can make urself happy. or not. u know.

life's like that. ppl come n go. things happen all the time. nothing can affect u badly unless u allow it to.

dont care how ppl look at u. u're e way you are, not for others but for urself.

as long as u're true to urself, no one else can fault u on anything.

even if u cant, put it at the back of ur mind. dont let past mistakes affect ur life forever

make urself a happier person okay.

Thanks Waye Ning. I'll keep what you told me today in mind. Appreciate you taking precious time off your heavy workload to tell me all that. Let's go visit Mrs Lee together with the rest soon okie!

[simply glad zishen]

Holiday Hunting

2008-10-11T22:44:00.002+08:00

Today I went holiday hunting with Ming Dong and Matthew. Zhi Xiang can't join us since he's deployed. So suay! Train services was disrupted from Sembawang to Khatib. Argh! So angry. So I took 851 to Ang Mo Kio then take train. And apparently, everybody is like doing the same thing so the bus is kind of pack.

Reached Chinatown MRT station around 1pm to meet Matthew and Ming Dong. The afternoon was used to hunt for a holiday package. We are like walking everywhere between People Parks Complex and Centre. Initially I managed to convince them to go on a cruise trip. But October is packed and everything's full! In the end we decided to go the Golden Mile to hunt for Free and Easy KL travel this coming Friday.

Am excited 'cause tomorrow am going to Sakura International Buffet! Woohhoooo!

Ohh. I have typed an email with I want wanted to tell Janson and has forwarded to him already. It's all up to him now.

Am happy now 'cause I am happy and there's nothing that anyone can do about it. Miss Jintai and Dennis. They enlisted on Thursday.

[simply happy zishen]

Reading my Past Entries

2008-10-08T14:34:00.002+08:00

I was just reading my past entries and recalled some of the past events mentioned. I feel emo again. About my past. My earlier entries were like more of what-happened-for-the-day kind of entries. As it goes on, I started putting in how I feel about certain events. And I realise most of the entries in 2007 was about studying at Khatib MacDonalds with Janson. Only now did I realised how much time have I spent studying with him last year. But look at us now: we are not talking to each other. Maybe it's more of I don't want to talk to him. Apparently he is not the only one with big ego.

Err... so what am I emo-ing about now? Actually, I also don't know. Like just feel emo reading my past entries.

[simply loser zishen]

癒しの瞬

2008-10-05T17:13:00.003+08:00

Today's title is in Japanese. It's a title of a soundtrack from Hero, the Japanese movie. From what Kang Wei says, 癒しの瞬 means something like 'healing blink'.

I guess I'm 'healing' from my emo-ness. Slowly. I think I learn something from the past few months: Friends stick together to the end, and no one should be left behind or forgotten. I will remember those who had left my life, and the times we have shared... Although I can't stop my friends from coming and going, but I wouldn't miss it for the world. I know who are my true friends now. And I am happy actually.

That day I saw her. She's with another guy. I ought to be jealous. But strangely, I'm not. I'm actually happy, like just to see her. And I don't feel anything le. Normally when I'm with her or if I see her, I will be like.... woohoo! But now, that 'woohoo' feeling is gone. And I am delighted. 拿得起，放得下，是快乐之本。I understand now.

I want to thank those who had called me, text messaged me and/or comfort me on MSN. Thank you. Gim Hock. Zhi Xiang. Li Min. Jason. Sheng Yu. Wei Lun. Marilyn. Elton. Matthew. Just to name a few, in no particular order. A very big thank you from me!

My birthday is coming soon. So am looking forward to it! ;) Let's see how many people actually remembered.

[simply loser zishen]

Li Min:

2008-10-03T23:36:00.003+08:00

Thanks, Li Min, for everything that you've said to me just now. It has certainly makes me feel better... ...

Anyways I had dinner with my sergeant, Cheuk Yin, just now at West Mall and he told me about stuffs too.

And I didn't realise that I'm on the same train as Peishan; she was just in the next cabin.

Anyways, thanks, Li Min.

[simply loser zishen]

The Missing Part...

2008-10-01T17:40:00.003+08:00

I was text messaging Gim today. I guess I am like growing a bit too close for comfort to him. Apparently he's one of the very few people that I can turn to now. I skipped today's outing with Dennis and Jin Tai, because I don't feel like going Queensway and I feel like watching House Bunny. They called me up around 11am and say that they don't mind watching after they had done their errands. I told them never mind, because like I just met them on Saturday so it's justifiable to meet other of my friends.

Sad to say, I am a loser; I called up and text messaged to a lot of people. No one reply. No one picked up the phone. No one. No one. Elton is the only one who reply my message, and I truly am glad that he did. If not I would be like 'emo-ing' at home again.

So, while waiting for Elton at Yishun GV, I was text messaging Gim Hock, and he was like telling me "Dun be so pessimistic k?". I was telling him about this world being cruel and unfair and apparently there is nothing really forward looking about, except maybe his commission. I guess I am afraid to loss this friendship of mine with Gim, like how I lost mine with Janson. Apparently, I am growing too close for comfort to Gim because of that. When he don't reply to my messages, I would feel sad; When he messaged me about him being stressed, I want to be beside him to comfort him; When he tell me he has do to guard duty and can't attend his granddad's birthday party, I had that urge to replace him for his duty; When he calls me up, I feel over the moon, even more happy than striking lottery; When I see something nice, I want to buy it for him; When he tells me about his training, I wished that I can be with him... I guess that's why I have been emo-ing about, our friendship, our brotherhood... ... Without him, I feel empty...

Anyways Elton was like 20 minutes late. I was like telling him about how I hate late comers. He say "Still early lah! The movie won't start so early one." And yes that was the case; when we entered the cinema, they are still screening the advertisements and after like a few, Elton will turn to me and say "See?! Haven start yet!". I was like smiling to myself. We watched House Bunny, and it's like damn funny. When I hear Elton laughed beside me, I feel happy, like very joyful and suddenly I was like forgot about all my worries and problems. It just makes me want to laugh together with him. I'm contented with just this, with just a friend beside me, as we laugh together.

After movie, we loitered around Popular for a while before he says he had a stomachache and we walked all the way down to the first floor one 'cause the second floor is full and the third floor is closed. After which we went KFC 'cause I want to 'dapao' Zinger home. And then we parted at OCBC.

Goodbyes were never easy for me, especially with friends that I don't usually meet up with. I just need to be with my friends...

[simply loser zishen][depressed][empty]

Gimme Gim

2008-09-30T23:23:00.003+08:00

Today is quite a slack day. I was using the Internet most of the time throughout the day at work. My company went for deployment already, so guess I won't be able to see them for the next couple of weeks.

I went off around 5.30pm. I am suppose to meet Gim Hock for dinner but I don't know exactly what time he book out, so I decided to go home like wash up and change first before meeting him. Well, when I am waiting for the train at Bukit Batok, he called, say he just book out. Initially the plan was to eat at Yishun. But I'm still at Bukit Batok and it won't be reasonable for him to wait for me at Khatib, so I tell him to go home and rest first then I meet him at Sengkang instead. Yishun like also very boring already; nothing much to do.

And loser me; I missed the bus by like 100 metres. In the end I had to wait like 15 minutes for the next one to arrive. So stupid; waste my precious time! The bus journey to Sengkang was spent mostly on browsing my handphone and text messaging Lijun, or more commonly known to us as 大姐, 'cause I need to find out some things for myself.

Gim Hock appears to be the same since last time I saw him, which is like 2 months ago. I don't know whether that's good or bad. Anyway, I am more than happy to see him again. And I think he's a damn popular person; everytime I go out with him, we are sure to bump into someone he knows one. We both are very indecisive people 'cause we can't decide on a place to eat. It took us a while to finally decide to eat Sakura Thai Chinese Food in Compass Point. There's like one group of people like custered outside, making us like confused 'cause we don't know whether they are queuing up or not. 'Cause we two person only, we got our seats pretty fast. We are like talking a lot a lot about army stuffs while waiting for our food.

After dinner, we went loitering around Best and Action City. It's almost ten already and most of the shops had already closed. Gim went over to 7 Eleven to grab a drink first before we head to the interchange to wait for our buses. Gim insisted on waiting for mine with me first. Two of his buses went off before mine came. Goodbye with him was never the fun part. On the bus, just seeing his back view distancing was already hard enough. I hope I can see him soon.

Gim: Thanks for coming out today. Just simply thanks. I don't know what else to say already. I will always remember the times we spent together, the tough times we have endured. You have come a long long way and before you know it, you are getting commission. I truly am proud to be your buddy in BMT, and I wished that we were still there, together, side by side... until the very end of time... I'm sorry I can't be any better. I'm sorry for making you worried for me. I'm sorry for being your burden. I wished I was stronger. Stronger like you...

Lijun: Although I say I don't really care, I guess it's not true. But I don't know. Sometimes I wished I could just give it up altogether since he puts it in such a way that his girlfriend is much more important now as compared to our friendship. I really really don't appreciate this from him, after all that I have done. Perhaps it's truly meant to be this way, like you and him before me. Maybe you are right. You are right about the first thing I asked you just now.

Zhi Xiang: I just wanna say sorry. I don't know what I'm sorry for, but I just feel that 我对不起你. So, sorry.

Marilyn: Thanks, for your concern. Appreciated. You have been a great friend since secondary school and I appreciate you keeping watch over my back everytime.

[simly loser zishen]

Weekend of Formula 1 Fever

2008-09-27T22:47:00.007+08:00

This weekend is the Formula One, or more commonly known as F1, Singapore Grand Prix race. So it makes it justifiable for us Singaporeans to enjoy this weekend of F1 fever with our friends from all over the world who had came to watch the race with us. I'm no different from the rest. It's like... ... a festival, a bazzar, and I feel that I should be part of it. So I make it a point that I must go for the Singapore Motor Show 2008 since I don't have tickets for the race and I haven't miss any of the Motor Show since like a few years back.

Thus I have been like looking for people to go with me, and the first person I had in mind was Gim Hock, because he promised me he would come with me the last time we went out to watch Money No Enough 2 at Plaza Singapura. Unfortunately, he left me a message on my handphone yesterday, saying that he had guard duty to do and so can't make. I was like... rather disappointed actually, but I don't blame him. He had his own life too, so why should I intervene into his life if I'm nothing more but a burden? The next person I had in mind was my usual-hang -out group, Jin Tai, Jin Long, Dennis. Jin Long initially said yes, but this morning he text me to say that he is busy and won't be able to make it. Jin Tai and Dennis came along. I suppose I'm happy with them, especially when I tell them what to expect for NS since they are enlisting in like one and a half week's time. We also discussed a bit about the F1 race, just random stuffs.

This year's Motor Show is a BIG disappointment! I expect it to be of the same standard as that of the last one since it's like the F1 weekend, and there are tourists around. I bought the tickets and it was like $6 only, and it came with a coupon for a free mini cornetto ice-cream. I was like wondering why is it so cheap this year as compared to that of in 2006, where it costs me 20 bucks. It was only upon entering the exhibition hall that I realise the difference. Firstly, this year is like missing out on a lot of 'big players' like Mazda, Toyota, Suzuki, Ferrai, and etc, as oppose to 2 years ago. Secondly, the cars on display is like, almost the same onces two years back with only a few new models. Soooo disappointing!! And the funny thing is that we actually laid eyes on one Isuzu lorry. Dennis say it's like super economical because it can fetch both people and cargo. Here's the lorry:

The Isuzu Lorry

Anyway this year's main highlight is sQuba, the first car in the world that can go underwater. This concept came from one of James Bond's movie, where he drove one car underwater. So now, driving underwater has become reality when it's only a 神话 last time. Anyway I told a photo of it:

sQuba

Dennis wasn't feeling well when we went off from the Motor Show to Marina Square to shop for a motivation gift for his girlfriend. So he went off early, while Jin Tai and I went to J.CO for donuts and ice chocolate, before we go home first to rest a while before going for dinner. I was talking to Wei Bing for a while on MSN actually when I reached home, about the Motor Show and the sQuba. He says the car isn't of much use unless people are starting to stay underwater, which I think is rather true. He's going for movie this evening to watch Best Friend's Girl. I quite like admire him actually, although I don't really know him very well. But we are chatting often now on MSN, so should have chance to know him better.

Dinner was Sakae Sushi at Causeway Point with Jin Tai. The queue was like damn long so we decided to go walk around the mall first. I was doing the talking most of the time, like telling me not to be like me, like regret about my life and everything, telling him not o be a loser like me. We went all over the place. First was MJ Multimedia to browse DVDs, then Courts to look at electronics appliances, followed by Nokia for handphones etc. Continued talking about our problems in out lifes in Sakae over a couple of sushi. Jin Tai insisted on treating. We went home after that. Oh. And before that I bought this book Being Happy from Popular first. Apparently I need to learn how to be happy.

So here I am again, blogging about how 'happy' I am today. Actually I am kinda confused: How do we know who our true friends are? Gim Hock has been like replying randomly to my messages. Like I text him today and then he will only reply like two days later. I hoped he is not under too much stress. I wanted to call him several times to like find out whether he is okay or not, but I'm scared that he is busy and so in the end I didn't call him. What if I'm really a burden to him although he himself say no true? I'm really impressed how he juggle between his own training, his family, his girlfriend, and etc. So sometimes I feel that I shouldn't like 烦 him. Zhi Xiang also. I think I owe him really big time for everything that he had done for me, even simple stuffs like area cleaning. Today he's suppose to be celebrating his father's birthday with his family. I just asked him on MSN about how the celebration went. It's almost an hour now and he hasn't reply yet. I hope he is like playing his PSP and not ignoring me. I think I'm like... too close for comfort, since two months ago. I tend to look for him more because like there's not much people that I can talk to already. I don't know but I am like beginning to treat him like my own brother already.

I'm confused. Over little things and actions from people, especially those whom I'm close to. I feel... lousy and inferior.

I'm trouble, I'm stupid and I'm a loser. It's basic genetics. Can't help it.

[simply loser zishen]

This Week... ...

2008-09-26T22:46:00.004+08:00

Wednesday.
Nights off was like kinda weird. First is Matthew didn't join us because he is on guard duty and secondly Jurist came along with us... ... uninvited! Not that I mind, but his decision to join us is kinda of a last minute thing. I forgot what the place is called but it's the india muslim kinda prata house across Beauty World. I am like extra-super hungry with all the 'suffering' back in S1 Branch, and I haven't had my dinner somemore. We ordered one ayam mutabak to share among the four of us. Then Zhi Xiang ordered one Roti John, Ming Dong and Jurist ordered one egg prata and two plain prata each while I ordered two egg prata and two plain onces. Jurist was like busy text-messaging with his girlfriend then in the end quarrel, over a stupid meet up. I hate it when he smokes, especially in front of us non-smokers. I told them about S1 Branch and Zhi Xiang told me about their ICCT training. He make it sounds damn fun that I wanted to join them. Sign. I'm stuck.

Thursday.
Chief Clerk send me off to S2 Branch, which is like so much better than S1. Like hmmm... ... more like friendly environment and the specialists there are like my age and A levels also, so we got along quite well. They even treat me to 香港街, followed by PS3 play time at sergeant leong's house. I feel like... ... like too close for comfort. The specialist are way too nice and like I'm not really comfortbale with it. Need to have some getting use to.

Friday (Today).
I am getting a hang of making camp pass in S2. I made the COS passes today, although some not in very good condition. Today is Battalion Safety Day, so got some games and competition in the hall. Alpha won quite a number of prizes for the games and competiton, and I'm quite happy for them. So they had early book out at 4pm. Sign. I'm still working and today I spoiled one laminator today. Super guilty, even when the sergeants tell me not to worry about it.

Anyway I'm not supposed to blog to much about these stuffs. 5.35pm like that I went off. Alpha people has booked out already. I got changed and went for dinner with Sergeant Chong Yi, Alvin and Kang Wei. We ate Sumo House at Clementi there, because it's the cheapest Japanese food. We talked about stuffs over the bus ride there, over dinner, and of course on the train ride home with Kang Wei. I've got to admit that I learnt a lot of stuffs from Kang Wei, from the things that he told me. He told me today:

Mistakes are not meant to be erased...
It's either you learn from that one mistake and not make another again,
or you make more mistakes to make that mistake less prominent...

But still I guess I'm more or less the loser I am. I still feel lousy and inferior.

I guess that's just me. I know who I am; I'm stupid and I'm trouble and I'm a loser. It's basic genetics. Can't help it.

[simply loser zishen]

I Hope She Remembered...

2008-09-21T18:07:00.004+08:00

3 more weeks to my birthday... ...

I was clearing my drawer just now and I chanced upon the card that she wrote to me last year on my 19th birthday. There was a photograph of me and her which we took together some time back and of course, I read what she wrote to me. Over. Over. Over. And over again... ...

I have not contacted her for like 2 months already. It's not that I don't want to contact her; 我怕她觉得我烦. What if she doesn't look at me the way I look at her? What if it was me who was thinking too much all the while?

Anyway, it's 3 more weeks to my birthday. I hope she remembers... ...

I'm booking in already. I still have lots and lots of things on my mind. I missed my being with my family. My family has changed. I don't feel the warmth there used to be. I missed being with my friends. Yesterday was supposed to watch Dieaster Movie with Zhi Xiang, thanks to someone who need to do guard duty 出stun, so he has to go back to stand in for him. I feel... lousy. Why must we land into this kind of shit? Aren't we suppose to be better off?

我感到很自卑。I need an eraser to erase the mistakes that I have made... ...

[simply loser zishen]

对不起...

2008-09-19T17:22:00.006+08:00

我觉得我对不起了很多很多人，很多很多朋友。I looked back at myself, my life. If my life were a movie, I guess that it will be the worst selling movie that no one wants to watch; It's the kind of movie that will end up in the night market that sells for $1 per copy and even so, no one wants to buy it; Channel 5 will not even think of screening the movie; 8 Days will not even give me half a star for having the courage to show such a loser movie.

So I changed my blog title; I think it suits me, a loser, better.

Zhi Xiang: I'm... sorry. I know I've created a big mess, and I am selfish enough to leave you with it, to create up the mess that I've created. 6 months we have stayed in the same bunk, you are more than just a bed buddy to me; you are a good friend. I treat you like my own brother. When there's shit like area cleaning and everything, we will go through it together. Now I'm no more there, I'm really sorry about leaving you behind to 背my黑锅. Sorry. 对不起...

I had this strange habit of going to Khatib MacDonalds and go upstairs and look around the premises. I guess I was hoping to find someone there. Someone I know. When I do see someone I know, I will be like... brighten up a little.

I want an eraser to erase the mistakes that I have made...

[I have not finish this entry]

[simply loser zishen]

世界上没有永远的敌人，也没有永远的朋友...

2008-09-14T10:07:00.003+08:00

I have, like, 400 over friends on Friendster; I have countless contacts on MSN messager. But what's the use? What's the point? I'm still alone. Like now; I just opened several chat windows with a few 'friends'. It's almost half an hour already, only one reply. One. So what's the use of having so many friends on Friendster and MSN? It means nothing. Nothing.

世界上没有永远的朋友. And like what Jin Tai told me over and over again: 朋友是假的; 世界上没有真正的朋友. 我现在才领悟到这个道理. I have been lying to myself. I have been deceiving myself from this cruel world. I had this false hope wishing that the world is full of hope. Until now. The world has turned it's back on me.

There is light at the end of the tunnel. At least in times of trouble I know who my friends are, who my true friends are... like Gim Hock. From strangers, to section mates, to acquaintances, to friends, to buddy, to brothers... I missed his company.

Perhaps the reason that I'm blogging now it's because I can't find someone to listen to my problems. And I tend to get rather emotional when talking. All I need is for someone to listen to me. All I need is a true friend. Is that too much to ask?!

Sorry for this random entry.

[simply loser zishen]

原来我也会害怕寂寞...

2008-09-13T23:16:00.004+08:00

I just got back from the movies with Zhi Xiang and Jun Rong at Cineleisure. Show for the day is WALL E. And I just found out in the afternoon I'm broke (because I lost my combat pay!), so I have think more before spending from now. WALL E quite nice. It really like let me reflects on how we want our future world to be like. Well before watching the movie we had pasta for dinner. I spent like $14.10 just for pasta! If this goes on I'll be so broke soon! I need to remind myself of how much I spent so I wont spend so much.

I was loitering around HMV before I meet them. HMV has become one of my favourite places since a few months ago; I enjoyed just going through the CDs on display, I enjoyed letting the loud music just filling me up. I feel like buying some movies to watch, but yah, budget (so need to practice control a little).

Being with Zhi Xiang and Jun Rong makes me feel inferior. It's like most of the time they are talking between themselves and like they will tell me about what they say a bit later. Walking back to the station after supper (yes, we had supper, and I ordered a Ice Jelly Cocktail) was somehow the same; Jun Rong passes some comments to him, and initially I wanted to ask what they were talking about but in the end did not. Guess after the incident last month, everything had changed; not only my relationship with the 6SIR people, but also my fellow tekong mates. I feel that they are blaming me for what had happened, and they are like at their best not to get involved too much with me because the 6SIR people will think that I am talking bad behind their backs or that I am up to something again. Maybe Zhi Xiang asked me out just for the sake of asking me out because like he already said already in front of the guys then I like say I want while Matthew and Ming Dong can't make it, and so, it's suppose to be me and him ultimately, and as he can't reject me now, so he puts in a Jun Rong as a shield from me.

I knew it all along. I'm just a backup plan. For a long time, I had never go out and return home being happy. I missed the feeling of being happy! Where are my friends?! Where are my true friends?! Why are all my so-called friends calling me when they need my help or when they are trying to sell me stuffs or when they have some fortune teller that is very good to introduce me or when they need a backup plan just in case?!! WHY?!! WHY?!! WHY??!!!

原来我也会害怕寂寞... all I need is a couple of true friends that I can hang out with.

"This is a cruel world."

These words ran over and over my head again and again, like the announcement at the train station. Platoon Sergeant is right. How sure am I that people will help me back when I help people? How sure am I that people will give in to me when I give in to people? I realised it only now. I'm so stupid! I'm so naive!!! I do things with other people in mind. But do they even think of me?!! Are they even concern about my interest??!!!!

"This is a cruel world." I hate myself. I hate myself for who I am. I hate myself for what I have done. Why am I so solf-hearted?!! Why am I always considerating the interest of other people when they don't? Why am I so weak?!!!

Some people will say "We are here to help others, so returns and rewards shouldn't be the concern." If we are here to help others, THEN WHAT THE FUCK ARE THE OTHERS HERE FOR??!! Just because I can do well in certain things doesn't mean that I have to do it all the time! Why am I always the one doing things while the others can rest?! Why? Why?! WHY??!!

God just have to make the world cruel.

I still remember what Uncle Jackson told me last year: 世界上没有永远的敌人，也没有永远的朋友. I am starting to agree with him. Forever friends is kinda bullshit. Take me and Janson for example. We seldom talk now. Even if he message me or call me, I'll always speak coldly to him or just give him attitude. If I'm just one of him backup plans so be it. I don't really care. There was this entry in a past copy of Readers' Digest about 25 Life's Toughest Questions, and if I remember correctly, question seven was "When do you know that a friendship has ended?" and the answer to the question is "When you have this suspicion that it never really begun." I was letting my thoughts run wild that day and I think I can say that for Janson and me; maybe our friendship didn't actually begin in the first place; maybe he befriended me because he knows that I can help him in mathematics.

That brings me back to what I mentioned earlier about me being too good to people.

Guess that's my problem: I'm too nice to people, especially to those people whom I shouldn't be too nice to.

But given my looks, I guess if I'm not nice to people, I won't have much friends anymore.

I dunno what to do already.

"This is a cruel world."

I missed my friends! Jin Long, Jin Tai, Dennis, Sze Wei, Gim Hock, Xin Ying, Rui Xiang, Elton, Shermaine, Daniel, Peishan, Wei Lun, EVERYONE!!!

[simply loser zishen][extra-super depressed][tired][sick]

What A Sunday...

2008-09-07T23:23:00.008+08:00

Mango. Cake.

I wished that things were just like a piece of cake.

Plain. Simple.

But in reality, it is not so. . .

My distant cousin in Malaysia is getting married today, and most of my family and relatives went for the wedding lunch in Muar. I didn't go. One, it's like I don't feel like going, because I don't really like to travel such long distance in a car and two, I can't go because I didn't apply leave. So I stayed home with 大姐.

Initially, Zhi Xiang wanted to watch WALL E. But the plan was cancelled because Matthew couldn't make it and ming Dong had stuffs to settle. I was thinking of asking Daniel, but from his blog, he had already watched with his girl. So in the end, nothing. Nothing.

Eventually, I managed to get Roystonn to come out. He stays across the street so it's easiler to meet up. He said he needed some new and cute tee shirts, because he's running out of it. Me too; I'm running short of clothes also. We went to Bugis Street. Cheaper and more choices available. We walked the first level first. Roystonn managed to find some shirts that he like but they are like too expensive for him. He say that's his problem; like those shirt he laid his eyes on will be very expensive. In the end we found one shop on the second floor that offers a rather reasonable price for the shirt. We each got one shirt for ourselves.

This is mine.

I like wearing black cuz I look slimmer. I like the red cartoon on the black blackground.

We went to eat at Bugis Junction. Ramen. First time I eat ramen there. Quite nice. We had a little catch up session; he told me about his life at Nee Soon Camp as a techinican. He had curry pork ramen. He say it's damn spicy, but taste very good. I had chicken teriyaki ramen and cuttle fish. The chicken teriyaki was a bit sweet, but still can make it.

After lunch cum tea break, we went to Bras Pasar Complex to look at some guitar. Roys like say he dunno whether to buy guitar or PSP with his coming pay. In the end he bought some things which I dunno what they are. When we came out from the shop, I pointed the Pop Central to him then I tell him it's like 4 floors high. Then he was like dun believe me so we went in to check. Well it is.

We walked back to Bugis Junction. I say I wanna go Gramophone to buy movies to watch. I was like hunting all over the place before I decided to buy It's a Boy Girl Thing. I liked that movie because it's rather funny. I still remember I watched the movie at Cathay Causeway Point with Kee Wei before he enlisted.

It's a Boy Girl Thing

Anyways, I watched finish already. So it's available for borrowing.

Initally wanted to visit 二姨 at TTSH because I dunno she discharged already. Lucky for me, 大姐 called to say she's at Bishan Junction 8 then wanted to help me buy dinner then she told me 二姨 at 三舅母 there stay. So I went home. Yup, watched the It's a Boy Girl Thing right away. Stayed at home for the rest of the night, chatting, and installing Norton Internet Securtiy 2008. Mum was not feeling well when she came back. Luckily Dad came back from work early then can 哄弟弟 go and sleep.

Anyways, I should have blogged this like sometimes back. I collected all the Coke Glass from MacDonalds during the Beijing 2008. Here's a photo:

The Limited Edition Glass

I realise that I have been rather stupid. Blinded. Like I realise I do a lot of things just to please her and match her eyes. It's rather stupid... but I like that...

[depressed][tired][sick][no life]

Uncomfortable with Achievements

2008-09-01T23:26:00.004+08:00

Looking at my friends and people around me has been difficult these days. I think it's because of what they are able to achieve which I myself cannot. Maybe I'm jealous of their achievements. Wait a minute. I AM jealous of what they have achieved. Sheng Yu Desmond and the rest of the college guys are sergeants now, some even future officers. Look at me, I'm just a LCP. I downgraded because of eczema. I'm no longer combat fit. I look down on myself for that. Sheng Yu comforted me ytd, say I have achievements too what (say my maths is good, in fact one of the top few in college). SO WHAT?! I can't solve anything now. I was studying with Guo Tai that day and I cant even solve one problem! No more god-like! WHAT HAPPENED?! I losted what i used to have, what i used to be good at! I'M A LOSER! And I'm fat! I mean look at me. I'm 80kg okie! I'm fat! I'm ugly! So what if my maths USED TO BE good? We still end up going to uni!

I'm the kinda guy tat looks on the dark side. Admit it mann. I am a loser. Plain and Simple! People can have great achievements, even a small achievement like losing weight, but why can't I?! I guess my only source of comfort is food. Whenever I see food, I will be very happy. I don't care about gaining weight when i have food. But after finishing the food that i ate, i would feel guilty and would like hmmm. . . want to force out the food i ate.

I look at myself. I hate myself. I hate myself for who I am, what I am doing. Why should other people, especially her, like me when I myself hate myself?! I find myself sometimes like reach a dead end with no way to go. I blogged because of her. It's bacause of her blogging that I started to blog. I did alomst everything to impress her. But I know she didn't notice that way.

I'm insignificant. I'm just. . . a loser. nothing more. nothing less. Plain and simple.

Left Out

2008-08-20T22:45:00.004+08:00

I feel left out and lonely. I'm not suppose to blog about the Army; It's for me to know and for you to find out.

Things have changed. That's all I can say. But I'm glad that they didn't disturb the BMTC guys anymore, even when it's at th expense of them ignoring me altogether. But I feel left out, ever since I downgraded, ever since the incident last week.

That's when i started thinking of my friends, be it in secondary school, tuition, college, BMTC, and many many more. I am always missing them and thinking about them. I wanted to meet them, but most are busy, and I don't mind, because I know that they are doing well, unlike me. I don't even know whether I will be posted out or not. My commanders say they will recommend to OC that I stay to be clerk. But from what OC told me, I don't think so.

During deployment, I didn't even know what my main role is. I am everywhere! I don't know where the hell I belong!

[depressed]

When East and West just got further apart. . .

2008-08-17T08:33:00.007+08:00

Remember in Kindergarden, how we meet a kid and know nothing about them, and ten seconds later you are playing like you are best friends. Even if we quarrel now, all will be forgotten tomorrow and we will be friends again. I want it to be like that even now.

I want my friends back. Lots of things happened these past few weeks, and I think I am just running away from them. Sergeant Alvin told me yesterday at Subway Bishan "You are the weaker kind. . . ". I think I am. So what if I am the weaker kind?! That's what i am, and no one can change it.

I met Gim Hock on Friday night at Plaza Singapura to watch movie, Money No Enough 2. When I see him that day, I almost cried, because seeing him reminds me of the tough and happy times we shared back in Dragon Company. He told me about his life as a Cadet Trainee in Nee Soon Camp, and it feels good just sitting at the food court of Plaza Singapura and listening to him talking. After dinner, we went to Carrefour to get some chips to eat during the movie before proceeding to the movies.

What i learned from the movie:

Don't be so calculative and the importance of being as a family unit. The importance of being as one.

After movies we went to take Night Riders home. The frequeny is like half an hour apart for each bus, so we had some times for ourselves while waiting. I told him about what happened in my camp, how us, the BMTC people, are being outcasted, especially so after last week's incident, and also how much i missed being with him even since we passed out of BMT. He said he felt the same too, say Dragon Company is better. As I watched him board his bus, a tear escaped my eye, because I know that i won't be seeing him any time soon. My buddy in BMT. Wasn't it yesterday that we were still together in BMT?! And i am already missing it. . .

I knew Sergeant Alvin was up to something when he asked me out for lunch. And so stupid somemore; I waited for him at Bishan Coffee Bean for like one whole hour before he comes. I feel weird with him, because he's just weird and so not-his-normal-self. I asked him what he want to eat, since he is the Sergeant. He chose Subway because he had Commanders' Cohesion the night before, the night Iwatched movie with Gim, so he wanted something healthier. I know he is up to something from the faces he gave me. I asked him straight when we both bought our lunch. Of course as expected he wanted to talk to me about what happened the previous week. So most of the time I just listened to him talk to me. And most of the time, he phrased the story in such a way that it seem like my fault most of the time. My eyes watered. He tells me ". . . Forget about your glorious days in BMTC. . . ", ". . . be flexible. . .", "You are the weaker kind. . .", "You shamed us. . .", "There is no bright side or dark side; what matters is the process. . .". But from what he said, I know one thing for sure: the commanders don't trust me that much anymore.

My heart sank.

I know, everyone is blaming me. But they started the whole thing first! Why should I be blamed for something that they have done wrong?! I think this is when East and West just got further apart. . .

Not only that, I am drifting away and away from my friends, especially Janson. We have not really contacted ever since he and Mei Xing are together. So be it. If he wants it to be this way, if he thinks that I am not important anymore, then let it be this way then.

HOW COME THINGS JUST CANT GO RIGHT?!!

FEELS LIKE THE WHOLE WORLD HAS TURN ITS BACK ON ME!

CANT THINGS GO RIGHT FOR A WHILE??!!

[sad][extremely depressed][lost][angry]

today

2008-06-28T23:12:00.003+08:00

went out with peishan for dinner and movie. lyk finally. i haven seen her in lyk dunno how many donkey months. initially wanna watch hulk. but i was lyk thinking lyk shld watch smth tat's funny. so we watch get smart in the end. funnier than i expect it to be. went for dinner first. at new york new york at amk hub. lolx. tok abt stuffs, esp her family and her dad. her family lyk going thru a rather difficult phase now and she is having a hard time trying to keep everyone tgt. walk around after dinner b4 movie. m1 has an exhitbit there so we went over to see see. she says she wanna upgrade her line or smth. went ntuc also buy didi's brown rice b4 we went in for movie. last row couple seats. wow. super cold in the cinema. was lyk shaking! after movie went walk walk around amk hub again. mini toons blah blah. jux randomly walk. then continue with our catching up. walked her home after tat b4 coming home myself. veri tired now. yawn!

to peishan: stay strong yah. if u need a listening ear i'm onli a phone call away. we live near so meeting up shldn't be a problem. :)

I FEEL LOUSY

2008-06-24T18:46:00.003+08:00

I feel sick. In fact, I am sick. I am having flu, sore throat and headache since last week until now. Today it got a little bit worse after the battalion celebration at Yishun Safra. The sun stared down at us. Damn hot. Then I was in the pool. Damn cold. Suddenly rain a while. After that I don't feel well anymore. But I didn't report sick. I feel that if I report sick, my platoon mates will say me "cao geng". Anyway I should be use to it le ba. As in my platoon mates kept taking advantage of us and making fun of us and picking on us and everything. ("us" refers to the tekong ppl tat kana posted there.) Sorry i'm not suppose to blog much about the army; it's illegal.

I finally sms janson tat day, after dunno lyk so many weeks.

I bought a new phone. Nokia 6500 Slide.

Am going out with Peishan this Saturday.

I missed my baby brother. Being with him today makes me feel happy, and sad at the same time. Happy cuz i can be with him. Sad cuz it's going to end soon, and i know he doesn't lyk me tat much now; he only looks for mum now. he only looks for me when i say i'm going to bring him out.

I FEEL INFERIOR!!! i am always resided into the background, even with my friends. I AM A BACKUP PLAN!!! ppl call me out cuz i am a backup plan. my sisters also jux quarrelled tat day; now they r not toking to each other. cold war. my second aunt is in ttsh. 3 months le. not everyone went to visit her.

I FEEL LOUSY!!! I FEEL SICK!!! CANT THINGS JUST GO RIGHT FOR A WHILE??!!!

life toughest question

2008-05-31T11:11:00.006+08:00

how do you know when to end a friendship?
i think is when as soon as you get a sneaking suspicion that it never really began.
and i tot so for my case. as in now. me with one of my friends.
haaaaiii.... lots happened this few days.
28th May 2008, Wednesday
the guys went to celebrate dennis' birthday. we went bei sheng there to have dinner. omg. i rushed over from maju camp. took bus 74 from maju there, alight at amk take train to yishun take rush over to beisheng. i'm sweating all over loh. real happy to see the guys again, esp jinlong esther jona; haven seen them in dunno how many donkey years. haha. then jintai damn funny; keep on asking "wanna cut cake alr not?", "wanna take pic not?". then the guys also kept teasing xinying, say she 'pweeee fat'! lolx. went over to dennis' place after beisheng cut cake. this year is tai buy cake, mango cake from breadtalk. dennis' jiejie also joined us. lolx then best part of all: we went to play catching at the playground downstairs. (when was the last time i played? lolx) i damn slow le. always kana caught. tai damn power sia. flexible. must be playing catching a lot these days. then sia lah we played until lyk 10 plus then got one crazy fellow upstairs he threw an egg down at us. lucky nv kana anyone of us. went to shell station there the 7eleven buy gulp to drink. so damn thirsty! took 811 with szewei and esther back home. my whole shirt is bloody wet. anyway here r the pic for the day:

29th May 2008, Thursday

nothing much today. went to skin centre for my appointment. eczema. wha to do. use com for the afternoon. at night went to watch movie with szewei and dennis. ate dinner first at 925. dennis say he damn tired cuz he has been staring at com whole day. game got problem then he trying to solve. tat's wha i dun lyk abt online games. watched indiana jones and the kindom of the crystal skulls. actions and all are nice. but the story lyk a bit lame. the red ant part damn disgusting; the red ant all crawling into ppl's mouth. then the ending damn stupid, the UFO jux suddenly came out from nowhere and left. end of story. lolx. then dennis say the soviet the gal commander lyk team rocket; always lyk suddenly appear. walked home with szewei after the movie. halfway one damn smelly indian walked by us then we were lyk wow. he smelled lyk he hasnt bath in years! me and szewei were lyk laughing loh. then jux casual tok back to khatib mrt there before we parted.

30th May 2008, Friday

went zoo in the morning, with didi, mum and my relative. nv go zoo in dunno how many donkey years. changed alot since i last been there. i lazy upload the photos. sori. anyway most of the pic are jux the animals. afternoon i went to study with guotai; he say he need help in stats. so he dropped by khatib mac then i teach him loh. i forgot a lot myself also. haha. left around 6.30pm cuz i meeting the guys for sorcer. every friday night is sorcer! jux go kick kick also happy. i scored the last goal purely by luck, but wow when i goal, the guys were lyk national day parade lyk tat, lyk i nv goal before. but sad to say yah tat's the truth: i nv goal before. at least for this few weeks i rejoin playing with them. first time i skipped supper with the guys, cuz firstly i veri tired and secondly tai say i always eat eat eat. so i big ego then dun wan go. blah! feel damn lousy.

24th May 2008, Saturday

met up with my jc mates. liying roy vincent wansheng guotai clar for dinner. i forgot what's the jap place name but i think it's suboku or smth at raffles shopping centre the basement there. wow so much jap food loh. it's lyk a food court purely for jap food. then lyk so cool, u need to buy things with the purchase card then later after everything then pay. i ate salmon and egg rice bowl. dun feel lyk eating jap food tat day but since we r there alr jux anyhow buy. liying and roy got in smu econs. wansheng got into ntu accounting and vincent got into law in nus. so cool! haaaiii. i rejected nus computing for ntu maths. oh we took a group photo but it's damn blur cuz the auntie dunno how to take properly. so i dun bother uploading the photo. went walking around at esplande there. then went starbucks at suntec there talk cock. fun facts. haha. funny part was the train ride home. we got on at city hall mah then took up north. then around somerset there huh if i rmb corectly, elton board the train. at first i nv see him then i see the little bear chained on his bag. haha. the unique little bear. haha. he saw me after i called him on this phone. vincent got off at bishan. then at amk, xinying board the train with the sista. then liying was lyk telling me "wow zishen u r so popular lah.". funny. meet so many ppl at one go. kelvin got off at yck. wanna send liying back to woodlands but she tell me to go home. haha. dunno who at cityhall there say wan ppl send her back one loh. took to yishun and alight with elton then took back one stop to khatib.

and i hope she is doing well. . .

i failed. . .

2008-05-15T22:21:00.002+08:00

i failed. . . as a soldier, as a son, as a brother, as a friend. . .

i'm not what i'm used to be anymore. . .

no matter; i'm juz someone insignificant. wha do i expect.

still, i hope she is doing well. . .

updates

2008-04-25T14:21:00.005+08:00

lolx. tat day was sms-ing peishan. i told her she lyk nv blog in months. then she also say me back. haha. so today i decided to blog. am on mc ytd and today. later need to go back to camp. now i'm a 6SIR rifleman at maju camp. it's behind ngee ann poly. dun really lyk being a rifleman. suck thumb loh. the ppl there r lyk PSLE and N level grads. most nv study one. so lyk different wavelength, different channel, different frequency. so cant communicate tat well. some really cant stand them mann. it's lyk they know tat smth is wrong but they still do it. really stupid. then in the end the whole platoon kena. haaiiii. now am having some skin problems. eczema or smth. hope i can downpes. wow. i go skin centre then got so many cream and medicine. one whole box!

then this few months also lyk spend a lot of money. bought a new digital cam. samsung i8. bought it the march IT show at suntec there. went with boon hui and wei hao. my platoon mates from dragon coy back in BMTC. okie loh quite value for money. $299. 8.2 mega-pixel. free one mini tripod, 3 2GB flash card, one extra battery, one umbrella. then the cam also veri good. got many functions; can take pic, take video, mp3 player, video player. haha. okie loh. quite worth it.

then also buy a new hp. W950i. cuz tat time got the merit award cuz top 25% in college for prelims. $300. haha. so buy loh. no camera. 4GB internal memory. walkman phone. FM radio. touch screen. haha. $420. but now dunno why a bit lack le. so maybe when my contact ends this month i will get a new phone. now eyeing the samsung LOUD edition. but dunno leh. tot of getting sony walkman series.

applied for uni also le. NUS and NTU. maths, computer science and computer engineering. aiya i juz wanna get into a uni so any one will do. but my biggest wish is to get into NUS maths. lolx. tat day juz went for NTU interview for maths. i think i kinda screwed it up or smth. haha.

hope all goes well for the coming weeks. tml field camp again. my skin are lyk all dropping off. ahhh! veri itchy. but next week got off. so looking forward to it!

and i hope she is doing well. . .

still loving her

2008-02-24T08:10:00.002+08:00

this song is delicated to her
and i hope she is doing well. . .

2 days before first book in

2007-12-23T22:28:00.000+08:00

haha. just came back from tekong on wednesday nite. so fast lah. 4 days alr. need to book in on x'mas nite. sianzz lah. then next book out is on 30th. haaiiii. wonder how they will torture us when we go back in. might as well make tekong my home since going to be there lyk until march next year.

anyway today went to ah ma house for our family x'mas get-together. haha. cannot eat too much cuz if go back tekong and gain weight, then will kana confinement. so didnt eat much. had a little ham and turkey and broccoli. was chatting with my cousins abt my army stuffs and they were telling me what i shld do for different trainings. lolx. shld listen to their advise cuz like they in army before me so shld know more. then in the afternoon went out with elton to watch movie. i think elton now is like my movie buddy. haha. we watch quite a number of movies tgt in this 2 months. then we talk cock talk cock after the movie and loiter around north point for a while. talked abt his family stuffs at the terminals. feel sorry for him. if it happens to my family, i wont be who i am today. after he left on his bus, i went back to ah ma house for dinner. same. turkey, ham and broccoli. now just played command and conquer generals.

2 more bloody days to book in! (why i have this bad feeling?)

and i hope she is doing well. . .

1 day before army

2007-12-05T22:53:00.000+08:00

tml army le. nervous.

and i hope she is doing well. . .

2 days before army

2007-12-04T20:05:00.000+08:00

didnt do much this morning. juz need for speed, friendster, and clearing my desk and arranging my math stuffs. lots of papers around; dun even know which one is for which prelim paper one. lolx. loser me. went northpoint in the afternoon like 12 plus to buy goggles for army. it's a speedo pacific storm. haha. cost $19.90. bought cuz it's like one of the cheapest i can find, and dun look so nude. anyway, here's a photo of it taken by my L6. my dig cam kana spoil by my baby brother. so angry with him lah.

after that went janson's place for a while he kana eye infection and cuz of tt his dad ground him. so sad. watch a few episode of naruto with him. oh yah, bought some mini tarts for him since he hasnt had lunch and his mum cant come back in time to da bao for him. anyway, his dog super active lah. haven go inside his hse its like sniffing all over and when i went inside it's like climbing all over me. lolx.

went to visit ah ma after that. long time nv see ah ma and ah gong alr. brought some bao and egg tart for them. haha. juz nice i reach they having tea. lolx. so join them. talk abt stuffs. after that went NTUC get some stuffs for my army. shampoo etc.

going army in one more donkey day. . .

and i hope she is doing well. . .

3 days before army. . .

2007-12-03T19:20:00.000+08:00

woke up like 8 in the morning. still feeling veri emo (abt her). finished watching star wars i borrowed from wei lun ytd. haha. wanna burn but cannot; the cd is copyrighted (expected lah). the edited version sure is better. as in better link with episode 1, 2 and 3. and also better graphics and animation (the lightsaber in episode 4 looks more real now).

nth to do. so jio elton watch movie again. took us like an hour to decide what to watch. in the end, i was like 'okie; i wanna watch enchanted. u wan? if not i go myself.' haha. so yah went to watch enchanted. omg! big mistake! elton was like telling me 'it's so gay!' when we buy the tickets. well i dunno then. i onli realise that when we walk in the threatre; omg! like 80% of the audience are gals!!! then me and elton sit tgt like veri gay. lolx. and and and, elton smuggle 2 bubble teas in. haha. i dunno abt that in the first place. i onli know when he lyk suddenly took them out from his bag. lolx. all in all, the movie like veri funny. fairy tale in reality. haha. after movie. we loiter around northpoint and talk abt stuffs. abt elton's eye candy. abt my love life. and lots more. i tell him abt her going out soon with another guy, and he told me '... and u can bear with that??!!!' oof cuz i cannt! but apparently there's nth i can do abt it. went NTUC again get supplies cuz elton booking in again later at 10pm. but cool leh. he book in sbw. so dun need to travel so far. then can even leave home late. so good.

am going army in 3 more donkey days! wish me luck (i'm going to need it).

and i hope she is doing well. . .

emoism

2007-12-02T23:08:00.000+08:00

veri emo this 2 days. dunno how is started too. lolx. yah. have been thinking. thinking abt her. thinking abt the time we have spent tgt. i missed her. alot alot. when i see smth pretty, i wish i can buy for her. when she is beside me, i am happy. when she is not beside me, i missed her. i dunno. i just luv her. simply luv her. to me, she's my everything. i wanna tell her. but smth hold me back. u r risking your friendship with her, i told myself. and i cant bear it. i cant think of my life without her anymore. she had a so big impact on my life ever since i know her. ever since i luv her. i know. many guys are after her. so to her, i maybe juz a waste-of-sperms. she was so near, yet so far. that day i stood beside her, how i long that she was mine. i had love her secretly for quite a while now. my friends say she knows tt; it's like extra-super obvious. but she is still talking to me. she is still hanging out with me. so i doubt she knows. or does she?

the question is burning in me: does she like me too? i dont expect her to like me. i mean c'mon, i'm super fat! who would like a fat guy?! all i hope for is for her to be by my side. and to love her secretly. nic say if i like her, then i shldnt be like wanting her to accept me like the way i like her; i shld be like hoping for her happiness.

but i guess i'm not that wei da after all. i enjoyed the time we spent tgt, even if it's just standing on the MRT or just sitting around doing nth much. but i guess its not going to happen for quite a while now. i'm going army in like 3 more donkey days. janson was like saying: tell her before you enlist. that's what trouble me. by the time i come out from army she will have a boy friend le. haaaaiiii. peishan told me to have confidence in myself. i just cant find it in me.

i'm lost. . . and emo.

but am still loving her secretly. . .

on the first week after A levels. . .

2007-11-30T06:02:00.000+08:00

woohoo~! A level finish le! omg. 3 donkey years and this is the day that like everyone is waiting for. but i end later than everybody else, cuz i do computing, which is like on 23th nov afternoon. haha. anyway, that day rite, when the teacher say 'alrite, time's up', and starts collecting the paper, the 211 people are like tearing their entry proof and celebrating le. haha. but the teacher didnt say anything, just let us go ahead. after paper went straight home to change and meet janson, william, hanshen, guangzu, weilun, and terrence for basketball at the basketball court at the yishun polyclinic there. played until nearing 9 at night. omg loh! i'm a total waste of sperms compared to the rest. haha. must have been a long time since i played. then wanna eat desert at the laska store there at 900 plus. went there kana FOP; the shop closing. haha. then we went northpoint food court there to get deserts and drink. then of cuz start to tok cock loh. haha. highlight of the day: test tubes as condoms by wei lun. haha. classic. haha. then i wanna eat popiah. kana FOP again; shop also closing. omg! FOP twice in a row. (anyway, FOP means f**k off pussy!). after which, around 9,45, everyone went off and me and janson went khatib mac to hang out cuz 'the night is still young' (c'mon, who wanna go home early esp after A levels). talk abt stuffs and what i plan to do until i get enlist on 6th dec and how to play mind game. haha. of cuz, was looking forward to meeting peishan on 28th nov. (we like what, meet once in six donkey months?!) haha. went home at 11 plus, then play need for speed carbon for a while. first time i nv use tuner class, cuz like they are good at turning but they accerlerate slower. haha. then i went to sleep at one plus when dad came home. long time nv go sleep so late le. this concludes 23th nov, friday.

24th nov

woke up at eight. omg! i'm late le! i promise to meet my sec sch friends for basketball at chong pang. sent an sms to dennis saying that i just woke up and meet them asap. rush down to meet them on my bike. wanna take bus one but like kinda slow cuz of all th waiting and stuffs. had a great game with my sec sch friends. haven had a chance to have most of us tgt cuz of college and poly stuffs. played half court games (haha, always three on four cuz there are 7 of us), horse, ABC, pressure and so on. haha. later me and sze wei wanna buy drinks for the rest but dunno where got sell cold 1.5 litres drink. shop and save onli got sell the not cold one. then just went around. most shops onli sell cold 500ml drinks and canned drinks. haha. then suddenly rmb got one econ minimart at the other side of chong pang. then went there. played some more after that and then around 12 we had lunch. they went jona house after that. i didnt wanna go cuz i smelled. cycle home and spend my afternoon at home playing computer games. evening i went to ah ma's place. (well it's a weekly thingy). this concludes 24th nov.

25th nov

no planned program today. dunno who to sms and jio out also. so went on MSN and to see. haha. in the end, elton also stoning at home nth to do. so we meet in the afternoon for movie. haha. The Kingdom at amk hub. well b4 that we had lunch at amk mac, the one at the big mac centre. elton was toking to me abt navy life. then i was telling him abt college's happenings this year. haha. apparently elton nv update himself since he went into navy; everything also dunno. The Kingdom was good, but in the beginning was veri sian, cuz the FBI ppl are just walking around and not allowed to join in the investigation in the middle east. after that th prince allowed them to investigate the bomb thingy. it was towards the end then i started to get exciting, the part when the terrorists bomb the FBI car. haha. the best part is when the female FBI agent stab a terrorist's penis with a pen knife. classic. me and elton was like 'ouch!'. after movie we went for pool and k-pool at big mac centre. i'm a waste of sperms! elton was like trashing me in every game. in the end, i onli win one game, cuz elton puts the black ball in the wrong hole. (so i didnt really win the game). went north point to get supplies (cuz elton booking in again at night and wont be back until like next sunday afternoon). wow. dunno go camp can bring so much stuffs one. canned drinks lah, energy bar lah. haha. then i went to minitoons to get smth for peishan (yup, meeting her on 28th, and i suppose i wont see her for another 6 months after that. dunno what to buy. elton suggested a toy rose. haha. got one got 'i luv u' there. dun dare buy. then sent elton to the bus interchange before going off myself. wanna go ah ma house cuz all my relative there today but quite late le, so like everyone went home le. so went home also. anway it's chalet tml so need to prepare my stuffs also. this concludes 25th nov.

26th nov - 28th nov (class chalet)

meet janson in the afternoon to collect his phone fro woodland's nokia care centre. his 6288 like spoil twice in less than a year. haha. went time zone while waiting. when we came back already skip our number. haha. luckily we are can jump into the queue. after that we went pastamania had lunch. haha. haven ate pasta in dunno how many donkey months. after that went yishun safra play arcade. time crisis 3. haha. i'm a complete waste of sperms. kana beaten. haha. later went khatib there the ABC supermarket get supplies for later chalet. shampoo, toothpaste and etc. afterwhich janson came over my place to get the usb wire to connect ipod to the com. haha. seat for a while. haha. my room was in a complete mess when he came. lolx. played need for speed for a while b4 he went back. dad fetch me to chalet at costal sand pasir ris. haha. 211's chalet was a few doors away from our class one. haha. didnt eat much myself cuz not much stuffs left cuz i went late. haha. went cycling with sze kai, jason, roystonn, shing and joan the next day. had a few minor accidents throughout. omg. i think i endangered roystonn's life. but he still manage to saty alive. haha. sorry sorry roystonn! (if u are reading my blog). although he like say it's okie, i still like extremely guitly. everyone went escape in the evening. haha. just love go-kart and haunted house.

28th nov

met peishan in the afternoon. haha. got back from chalet in the morning so napped awhile in the morning. haha. went vivocity. we brought tickets for Heros at 3.20pm. still got time so went earle's swensen had lunch. haha. almost broke le. but luckily got set luch. had mixed grill myself. peishan had dory's grill. haha. set lunch include a salad serving which we can make ourselves at the salad bar. so many different salad to choose from. mix so many things. looks disgusting at first, but turn out quite tasty and fun. haha. best experience. the mixed grill was nice too. we seat beside the window, so we had a view overlooking sentosa. talk talk. abt uni. and abt life. rush for the movie cuz late le. haha. movie was super funny. i tot it's going to be a veri strict movie. but it turned out well. peishan was like laughing and laughing. haven seen her so happy in quite a while. stress over exam i suppose. after movie we went animal kingdom. the dogs there were like super cute! went home afterwhich cuz peishan had to had dinner with her family cuz her parents brought back beijing roasted duck from china the day before. did nth much on the way back. just talking. i sent her back home. no photos this time. went home pack my stuffs and dad fetch me to joe's chalet. haha. mahjong again. won five bucks but i nv keep. gave back to matt and pei pei.

all-in-all (29th nov - 30th nov)

i nv sleep for 4 days!!!!!!! my eye balls are like dropping out. took the first shuttle bus out to tanah merah mrt wth nic, desmond and dan. was like sleeping even when standing. haha. bump into ppl then wak up, then sleep again on the mrt home. lucky when change to north south line got seats. came back ate my subway sandwich then use com for half and hour then sleep around 12.30. when i woke up it's 7 am the next day!!!! haha. nv sleep so long before in my life. all in all, i had fun this week. later still going out with janson. and i still feel like sleeping. 6 more days to enlistment!!!!

emo agaiin

2007-11-03T16:04:00.000+08:00

veri emo now. since this morning.

...over non impt stuffs. i dunno. maybe i too sensitive to veri little action tt 'she' makes.

i know. i know it's veri stupid.

but i sometimes feel tt i'm going to have a failed love life for a while.

to me, 'she' is perfect. and i know i a lot of pple are after her too.

even some friends i know.

so tt's why i emo now.

haaaiii.

fever and cough for a week and now i'm love sick.

let's just hope i get over this.

wtf

2007-10-29T20:29:00.000+08:00

wtf~!

A levels starts tml; computing paper 1 and physics paper 2.

then now fever. 38.1 degrees!

still got a lot haven study lah.

dunno how i'm going to make it tml.

no title

2007-09-19T21:08:00.000+08:00

no life. . . and still feeling veri emo. . .

now listening to 西界. . .

sianzz. . .

think

2007-09-13T06:09:00.000+08:00

when you pray to god for the one you love to love you,

does he make her love you,

or does does he make chances for her to love you?

ark

2007-09-08T20:24:00.000+08:00

long time nv blog. sorry fanzz. haha. studied at mac in the morning. damn sianz lah. GP the rjc 2006 compre was like damn! passage 1 was easy, but the second passage really turned me off. then anyhow do a few questions. wanna do econs but really cant. did maths in the end and omg, everytime i do maths i cant stop, esp for binomal poisson and normal distribution. haha. came home at 11 pus. played sims 2 for a while. haha. built a new dorm for my sim at the university and make her major in drama.

then damn sianzz cuz this whole week like keep on doing the same old things which is study. then jio janson to watch evan almighty at cuz way. initially wan watch at amk hub then too rush le so watch at cuz way. damn funny lah. haha. but still i learnt smth out of it:

[A] [R]andom act of [K]indness will change the world - that's why god ask evan baxster to build the ARK with his wife and three sons.

dinner was kfc at cuz way. had bandito again. janson say i always eat bandito when we go kfc. haha. then went courts cuz janson say wanna look at flash memory for his camera. haha. then suddenly we both the surge to eat tatoyaki then go north point buy then walk back from north point to khatib cuz janson say i eat eat eat then nv exercise. haha. yah i know that myself.

then went to ah ma place, talk talk then come back liao. tml morning study with janson at mac. jia you to all ppl doing A levels!

strange. . . but wonderful

2007-08-29T05:17:00.000+08:00

they say in fairy tales that dream is a wish your heart makes when you are fast asleep.

izzit?

i dunno.

but for what i know, i had a wondeful dream last night...

i'm back

2007-08-25T21:15:00.000+08:00

omg. sorry ppl. long long time nv blog le. yah. quite a number of things happened.

firstly, prelims is in process. going to finish le. next monday physics paper one then done le. i think my econs essay die liao. haha. case studies also can say die liao. maths and computing still good. physics paper 2 like i know, but dunno whether what i know is correct not. GP essay was okie. i did the 'should all students in singapore be made to do at least one foriegn language or not?' question. compre i think backside tear lah.

enough of prelims. let's go on to the recent awards i get. this month i get 3 awards: merit award for NUS investment fund quiz, cca merit award for entrepreneurship club, and outstanding service award to college (parade commander). haha.

and sob sob. my ipod nano screen crack le. then cant see anything. need to buy new mp3! so just now was at grandma's place and was skimming thru the courts catalogue then saw this:

so yah planning to buy it. then my ipod nano use standby ba. haha. and ppl dun buy this away please. i want one.

that's all for now guys. update soon.

never had a dream come true

2007-08-04T21:59:00.000+08:00

Everybody's got something they had to leave behind
One regret from yesterday that just seems to grow with time
There's no use looking back or wondering
How it could be now or might have been
Oh this I know but still I can't find ways to let you know

I've never had a dream come true
Till the day that I found you
Even though I pretend that I've moved on
You'll always be my baby

I never found the words to say
You're the one I think about each day
And I know no matter where life takes me to
A part of me will always be with you

Somewhere in my memory
I've lost all sense of time
And so my road can never be cos yesterday is all that fills my mind
There's no use looking back or wondering
How it could be now or might have been
Oh this I know but still I can't find ways to let you go

I've never had a dream come true
Till the day that I found you
Even though I pretend that I've moved on
You'll always be my baby

I never found the words to say
You're the one I think about each day
And I know no matter where life takes me to
A part of me will always be

You'll always be the dream that fills my head
Yes you will, say you will, you know you will
Oh baby, you'll always be the one I know I'll never forget
There's no use looking back or wondering
Because love is a strange and funny thing
No matter how I try and try I just can't say goodbye
No no no no

I've never had a dream come true
Till the day that I found you
Even though I pretend that I've moved on
You'll always be my baby

I never found the words to say (words to say)
You're the one I think about each day
And I know no matter where life takes me to
A part of me will always be
A part of me will always be with you

counting down to prelims

2007-07-29T18:12:00.000+08:00

quite a pleasant day actually today, althought prelims is only like, what, 17 more days to go. still got much to complete. really should have ASP continue for this week. cuz i think i wont be there wei da to really sit down and study. then with ASP the tutors will go thru important stuffs loh. i think more fruitful then studying by ourselves.

but no matter. went to study with andrew at north point mac at 10.30am. then something tells me that np mac always like veri full one. so i went around 9am like that, so that i can find a good seat to study. was at khatib mrt station waiting for train go down yishun when i saw peishan. i call her but she nv hear cuz she listening to iPod. so went up to her, then say hi, then go liao, cuz my train here already.

reach mac and wow, so full le. found a seat and when i was about to sit down, one auntie rushed over then just drop herself on the chair. omg loh. i saw the seat first. stand around for a while before finding another seat. quite fruitful today; studied network and files for computing. teach andrew maths on vectors before knowing that there are a lot of concepts i still dunno. haha. in the end it's andrew who taught me the concepts. now i know the importance of 不耻下问. also got to know more abt andrew.

went off at 1.35pm like that. andrew going to meet soon long to study geography in town. he say he need to study with someone in order to focus. went to grandma's place after we parted at khatib. watched harry potter goblet of fire with my cousins there.

prelims coming. jia you to me and my fellow college mates. and all the best to my friends in uni!

i am a dreamer

2007-07-15T19:18:00.000+08:00

oh, and i chance upon this little 'poem' i wrote some times back, entitled 'I am a Dreamer'. this is for the one i love, and i hope she's doing well.

I am a Dreamer

I am a dreamer, my power hides within...
My world is made of dreams and love and uncertainty,
But something that I cant imagine must be hidden inside
Just like the trees that head to the sky,
I watch you with a straight gaze.

I want to find it;
I want to make it come true;
I believe you, and with just that,
There is nothing I cant overcome.

Like singing, like a miracle,
My feelings keep changing everything;
I’m sure, doubtless,
So much that you’d be surprised...

ah ma birthday

2007-07-15T18:43:00.000+08:00

haha. dunno what's wrong with me; kept waking up like every 2 hours in the night. my mouth still veri tight from the oral surgery. especially the right side. still have to put cotton there to stop the blood from flowing out. finally woke up at 7 in the morning. do a little maths, but cant concentrate. laze around. 8 plus like then i went khatib buy porridge and a bottle of barley drink from ntuc. haha. wanna laugh at myself at the porridge store; cant speak properly. the auntie was like 'huh?' a few times before she get what i want. then also i brought along a pot so tt i dun need to pay extra $0.20 for the container. then the auntie ask me why i bring so big pot to but so little porridge.

it hurts when i eat the porridge. but got use to it now. watch norbit after that. haha. actually so stupid to buy the VCD. went to buy present for my grandma since it's her birthday today. kinda last min i know. bought essence of chicken and there goes my savings for the week. but ah ma always like adore us, so must return mah. haha. so the same thing for every bd: good food and birthday cake and birthday song. good time.

but happy times always have a few little arguments and unhappiness which get into the way. yah, i had a bit of argument with my second aunt. she always think whatever she say is right, then always like to order ppl around. then i was like talking back to her and telling her that there are many ways to get smth done, not just one way. but she always insist on her way of doing things but like scolding us stupid and everything. really angry with her. she thinks no one dare to talk back to her means she big. hmph. (finally got to use this word. i know how to use liao okie, hmph!) then also not veri happy with some of my cousins, watch tv so loud like their ears spoil like that. then they sitting rite in front of the tv somemore. they small i know, only primary five and below, and guys somemore, so veri active and veri into action movies. then they always like also kept disturbing my di di make me veri angry loh. but there's nth i can do. what to do? they are nei suen what. grand dad loves them. we wai suen need to keep quiet.

came home early cuz there really quite boring and full of anger. haaaiiii. tml going CMPB for checkup. so no need go college.

am still hunting for ppl to watch harry potter with.

2007-07-14T18:13:00.000+08:00

just came back from oral surgery. this week nv blog cuz not veri in th mood. cuz a lot of school work and my wisdom tooth kept on giving me problem. then cant focus on what i'm doing. finally today remove the stupid tooth le. then got one week MC. haha. can use it as an excuse to postpone work.

tml ah ma birthday. i still haven think of what to buy for her. haaaiii. now also cant move around too much. if not the blood all flow out. looks like i'm going to be like tt for quite a while.

am looking for ppl to watch harry potter with. and i ask a few ppl liao, no one wanna watch with me (am i boring or what). so if ya wanna just contact me, and please contact me soon, cuz prelims is coming. and too bad, i have to be parade commander again this year. blah!

ahhhhhhh!!!!

2007-07-06T23:59:00.000+08:00

ahhhhhhhh! my wisdom tooth giving me problem AGAIN!!! wtf! damn pain. and now i think i'm hooked onto panadol extra. like depend very much on it. every time pain, sure two panadol extra. i think because of tt i feel very tired and sleepy. then some more today in college will black out for a while. like going to die like tt.

damn tired and sleepy. but the pain so unbearable cant go to sleep even when i'm franking tired.

dying....

busy

2007-07-04T21:23:00.000+08:00

i am having A levels computing coursework tml. so no time to blog.

jia you to me!

after block test...

2007-06-30T22:10:00.000+08:00

tuesday still got physics mcq to go. but today i'm already like over the moon liao. dun feel like doing work le. so decided to go ikea tampines get some storage box cuz my desk is really like messy.

was waiting at the bus stop opposite khatib mrt for bus 39. then damn pissed off lah. a bunch of attention seekers came along. cuz i was wearing my yjc black polo, they kept on passing remarks like "yj stupid jc lah" and "... all yj dogs" and stuffs along these lines. then they were like supposely saying out all these then veri loud some more then everyone was looking at them and looking at me cuz it's me they are talking abt. wau lau. so angry loh. feel like giving them everyone one slap on the face and tell them go eat shit. really really contain myself. just let them talk all they wan, i tell myself. saw bus 39 coming along. so so unlucky; they board the same bus as me. so i was sitting near the exit then they sit behind me and just kept on talking abt yj being a disgrace to the society, yj bad here, yj not good there. what the hell mann. the longest and damn pissed off bus ride i had ever had.

fortunately they didnt alight where i alighted, if not i will really faint. really veri angry liao loh. so walk my way to ikea. then inside also things happen. one auntie like came over to me and ask me "how much is this chair huh" in hokkien. then i tell her i dun work here, so i dunno. then downstairs near the check out there another auntie came over to ask me abt sofa or smth. wtf. ikea sales ppl wear yellow tee shirt. i'm franking wearing black polo. i think i should wear less of the yj black polo.

then reach home around 2 plus like that. so started packing my room. di di help me; just kept on running in, then i tell him to help me touch away those like papers i dun need le, then he take and run and touch the rubbish in the bin in the kitchen. haha. aiyo so messy i nearly fainted. but in the end still a neat and tidy room. now i move my sheft to the window there cuz in the morning the sun always shine in veri bright then cant do things there so yah use it to block the sun. then the two black box, the top one is econs stuffs then the below is GP things. the green box is the 'box of maths empowerment'. then the big brown bulky one below the green one is computing. physics is in the files on the shelf. haha. forgot to take one photo before i start packing, like what pei shan said she would do. but now looking at her to do list, like still haven start packing. haha.

went over grandma's place later in the evenings, like every other saturday. came home around 9 plus like that. haaaaii. next week tues and wed must stay in college until 5pm. haaaiii. but what to do? need to prepare for A level computing coursework le. wed start coursework session A. haaiiii. jia you to me and to the rest of my computing mates from 211. need loads of helps from u guys!